Just Off Center

So Mike, aka Lertz, is on his way to a family reunion in Illinois. How incredibly boring. But it gave us a few minutes more to bullshit about nothing important since I had to pick him up for work this morning. We went through the usual banter including him giving me a shot to the kidneys as I try to merge on the highway and me slamming the brakes down while he was trying to fasten his seat belt. As is usual with Mike, he started talking about the most recent dating mishap in his life, last night's being "chick I met in a bar #412".

He's been seeing this distant second for about a week. "Distant second" is the term used to describe your fallback girl should your number one choice of girlfriend not work out. Since no commitment has been expressed to either, he can feel free to try and bone them both. So last night he's over at her house, at her request. She wanted to "see him" before he left. Most men would agree that he'd be going over for a right proper sendoff in the sack. Since Mike is, above all else, a typical man this was his assumption as well. He hasn't had her yet, and it sure would be nice to "fill the well" before leaving town.

Well after about an hour of dialogue and a few drinks, things start getting heated. They go into the bedroom, take off their clothes and start messing around. Now the best thing about a distant second is that you can feel free to tell them exactly what's on your mind because they're easily replaced. So after a bit of heavy petting Mike makes his move on top of her, which is consequently shut down. Since he doesn't have the burden of caring about her feelings Mike makes another move a few minutes later, but is stopped cold again. Here's my best replication of the exchange that took place between them.

"What's the problem?"
"I just want to wait."
"Wait for what?"
"Well, I have this four month rule"
"Four month rule?"
"Yeah, I don't want you to think I'm easy."
"This is the third time I've seen you, you're in bed with me naked and my hand's in your pussy."
"I know, I just want to wait a while"
"Fine. You know there are other things you can do besides have sex."
"I know..."
"Alright, now my balls hurt. I'd better go"

I love everything about this dialogue. It's the honesty of it all that gets me. Usually Mike would be playing whatever cards he could think of to close the deal, or at least not be so insensitive when he's rejected. But with the understanding that this girl can be dropped without a backward glance, yet is still cool and cute enough to consider, Mike has the opportunity to let every eager and selfish thought known. You might be shaking your head right now. You might be thinking, "what an ASSHOLE!". Well take this: Mike went home nookieless, but satisfied in speaking his mind. And today he got these text messages:

• Sorry I was such a prude last night
• I'm thinking about you and touching myself
• I might have to rethink my rule

At this point the audience starts to applaud as I take a solemn bow. Nearly every time Mike follows my advice in the dating department, things work out in his favor. I told him to be as brutally honest as he could be with this girl. He loved the feeling and he's basically guaranteed to get laid the next time he sees her. I'm betting she makes him dinner too.

Another case in point. Three months ago, Mike was seeing Jody the bartender. Jody was one cool chick. She's the fun-loving guy's girl; beer, brats, ballgames, and blowjobs. But, against my advice, he looked for the greener grass and dumped her. Next came "Dog Girl". That's an entirely different headache. He finally dropped her after I convinced him that he sounded like an unhappily married man already. So now he wants Jody back. After a few texts and phone calls, she agreed to see him again.

Before he left, Mike set up a date with Jody. She cancelled on him the night before. Just desserts I say, but I'm still here to help. She said she was tired and just wanted to sit at home with her girlfriend and hang out. Mike didn't see the opportunity. After smacking him around for a while I got him to follow my advice; drop by after work to deliver a bottle of her favorite wine and eleven white roses. I told him that by giving them to her with an explanation that he just wanted to see her for a minute before leaving town, and then (possibly most important) not staying would catapult him several levels through the forgiveness process. For additional support I reminded him that his dog would need to be walked, forcing him to leave no matter what transpired. It worked. She wasn't home, but having thought of that I told him to be prepared with a card to leave in the flowers:

"Jody, I just wanted to see you for a minute before leaving town. You two girls have a great night. Mike"

By including the friend in the card and excluding any reference to the gift of flowers and wine, Mike gets to be thoughtful, generous and genuine. The eleven white roses were selected for two reasons. First, the white as an offering of peace. Second, to add mystery. Until she asks him about it she and her girlfriend wouldn't be able to stop talking about the possible meaning. If she were to see that there were only eleven and ask why, I armed him with "the twelfth is for our date when I get back". She called him twice that night to thank him, tell him how sweet he is, and just chit-chat. Mission accomplished.

I tell you I'm gonna have one hell of a toast at this guy's wedding.