Tuesday, July 13, 2004
What not to put on your blog
Every now and again I like to check out some of the interesting blogs that get published. The blogger homepage has a listing of all of the blogs updated in the last ten minutes. There are usually about 300 of them. That's a lot of damn blogs, people. And since I've been surfing around, actually interested in reading what you have to say, I've decided to help out.
There are a lot of shitty blogs out there. And I'm not talking about "just got started and this is a test" blogs. I mean "here's 47 paragraphs about why my boss is a big meany LOL" blogs. So in order to save me some time in pounding the "page down" button in rapid succession, here are some things that you should leave out of your blog:
BORING TITLES - Look, I get that your name is Lisa Perry and that this is your first blog. I can tell that by mind-numbing boredom I encounter while reading it. Do you really have to entitle your whole blog "Lisa Perry's first blog"? Titles like this make me want to send flaming comments explaining what a retarded dullard you people are, if leaving angry comments weren't even lamer than these titles.
POETRY - There was a time when I too thought that I was a creative soul and needed to share my feelings of angst and 11th grade vocabulary with the world. But then I turned 14. That's right I'm a fucking genius, tool. You are not clever. Your poems are boring and virtually identicle to every other blog poem on the web. This is a forum for you to write creatively, not spew prose akin to a love poem you handed that boy in the fourth grade. You remember him? He's the one who pushed you down at recess and ended up marrying your prettier best friend. Your poetry blows. Accepting it is crucial to evolution.
"RANT", "RAMBLINGS", "THOUGHTS", OR "FEELINGS" - What is the point of saying in your description that you're going to be rambling or ranting or that "this is a collection of my thoughts and feelings"? Hello, It's blog! What the fuck else would it contain? Which brings me to...
POLITICAL COMMENTARY - Almost every fifth blog on the big list is based in how Bush is a lame, warmongering dickhead or a heroic, results-oriented patriot. I mean it's arrogant enough to think there are any mouth breathers out there who are interested in reading about your sex life. Where do the balls come from that make you think that anybody cares about your political views. leave your soapbox at the login, assholes.
ANIMATION AND CLUTTER - Do any of you ever actually take the time to look at your own blogs? If you did you might notice that that spinning, puking, hammer-weilding smily is taking up the whole goddamned screen. Even if the content is shit, at least make it accessible. This includes leaving out those stupid "Today I'm feeling:" or "I'm listening to:" inserts. And do I have to come over there and force your hand to change your font? All aboard the U.S.S Clue! Pink is not fucking legible.
A LOUD BACKGROUND - Here's a tip. If the background on your blog is blue with green dots all over it having blue or green text makes your blog illegible. It was probably uninteresting anyway, but at least give me a chance to hate it for the right reasons.
LINKS AS POSTS - No, I will not "check this out". And why are you just redirecting me to some article written by some dipshit at CNN or USNEWS. I came here to read your opinions on the matter. You're the dipshit I want to read. Are you too busy to post a few thoughts of your own or did you think that I'd be so riveted by your link to whoever is covering the Emmy's this year that I'd just come back and thank you? Stop that!
PICTURES OF YOUR BABY/CAT/DOG/CORPSE - If you started your blog so that your family could check it out and see a 76 photo spread of Davie Jr. sucking his foot then fine. But you have to realize that this is a public website, jackoffs. I can't count the number of times I've clicked on a blog that obeyed all of the above rules only to find it littered with so many pics that the scrollbar was 12 pixils long. So your dog is cute, I get it. Just one picture is enough, then get back to complaining that your boss is a big meanypants.
NET SPEAK - So I wuz tryn 2 undrstnd wy sum f u r so dum that u cant jst wryt yur posts n english. i mean sum of th best blogs i read r from cntrys wer they dont spk english as ther 1st language. if yur 16 yrs old then u prolly hav sum reason fer talkin lyk the dumest persin in yer class. but that duznt need 2 b translated n to script. n short, yer a jakass and shud go bak 2 4th grad.
Now that you all have a better understanding of what not to include in your weblogs. Perhaps now you have what it takes to cover up the fact that you are uninteresting and suffering from a dire need to fit in with the "I don't fit in" club. Now go on and start doing some actual creative writing. I'm an optimist (you can tell) so I'll keep on reading your stuff, but if I have to click on your blog entitled "I'll fuck anything" and find it full of shitty poetry and anti-Bush slogans I am definitely giving you a full-fisted colonoscopy.
There are a lot of shitty blogs out there. And I'm not talking about "just got started and this is a test" blogs. I mean "here's 47 paragraphs about why my boss is a big meany LOL" blogs. So in order to save me some time in pounding the "page down" button in rapid succession, here are some things that you should leave out of your blog:
BORING TITLES - Look, I get that your name is Lisa Perry and that this is your first blog. I can tell that by mind-numbing boredom I encounter while reading it. Do you really have to entitle your whole blog "Lisa Perry's first blog"? Titles like this make me want to send flaming comments explaining what a retarded dullard you people are, if leaving angry comments weren't even lamer than these titles.
POETRY - There was a time when I too thought that I was a creative soul and needed to share my feelings of angst and 11th grade vocabulary with the world. But then I turned 14. That's right I'm a fucking genius, tool. You are not clever. Your poems are boring and virtually identicle to every other blog poem on the web. This is a forum for you to write creatively, not spew prose akin to a love poem you handed that boy in the fourth grade. You remember him? He's the one who pushed you down at recess and ended up marrying your prettier best friend. Your poetry blows. Accepting it is crucial to evolution.
"RANT", "RAMBLINGS", "THOUGHTS", OR "FEELINGS" - What is the point of saying in your description that you're going to be rambling or ranting or that "this is a collection of my thoughts and feelings"? Hello, It's blog! What the fuck else would it contain? Which brings me to...
POLITICAL COMMENTARY - Almost every fifth blog on the big list is based in how Bush is a lame, warmongering dickhead or a heroic, results-oriented patriot. I mean it's arrogant enough to think there are any mouth breathers out there who are interested in reading about your sex life. Where do the balls come from that make you think that anybody cares about your political views. leave your soapbox at the login, assholes.
ANIMATION AND CLUTTER - Do any of you ever actually take the time to look at your own blogs? If you did you might notice that that spinning, puking, hammer-weilding smily is taking up the whole goddamned screen. Even if the content is shit, at least make it accessible. This includes leaving out those stupid "Today I'm feeling:" or "I'm listening to:" inserts. And do I have to come over there and force your hand to change your font? All aboard the U.S.S Clue! Pink is not fucking legible.
A LOUD BACKGROUND - Here's a tip. If the background on your blog is blue with green dots all over it having blue or green text makes your blog illegible. It was probably uninteresting anyway, but at least give me a chance to hate it for the right reasons.
LINKS AS POSTS - No, I will not "check this out". And why are you just redirecting me to some article written by some dipshit at CNN or USNEWS. I came here to read your opinions on the matter. You're the dipshit I want to read. Are you too busy to post a few thoughts of your own or did you think that I'd be so riveted by your link to whoever is covering the Emmy's this year that I'd just come back and thank you? Stop that!
PICTURES OF YOUR BABY/CAT/DOG/CORPSE - If you started your blog so that your family could check it out and see a 76 photo spread of Davie Jr. sucking his foot then fine. But you have to realize that this is a public website, jackoffs. I can't count the number of times I've clicked on a blog that obeyed all of the above rules only to find it littered with so many pics that the scrollbar was 12 pixils long. So your dog is cute, I get it. Just one picture is enough, then get back to complaining that your boss is a big meanypants.
NET SPEAK - So I wuz tryn 2 undrstnd wy sum f u r so dum that u cant jst wryt yur posts n english. i mean sum of th best blogs i read r from cntrys wer they dont spk english as ther 1st language. if yur 16 yrs old then u prolly hav sum reason fer talkin lyk the dumest persin in yer class. but that duznt need 2 b translated n to script. n short, yer a jakass and shud go bak 2 4th grad.
Now that you all have a better understanding of what not to include in your weblogs. Perhaps now you have what it takes to cover up the fact that you are uninteresting and suffering from a dire need to fit in with the "I don't fit in" club. Now go on and start doing some actual creative writing. I'm an optimist (you can tell) so I'll keep on reading your stuff, but if I have to click on your blog entitled "I'll fuck anything" and find it full of shitty poetry and anti-Bush slogans I am definitely giving you a full-fisted colonoscopy.
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