Just Off Center

I just got a call from our Mormon friends in Mesa. They wanted to tell us about a baby shower coming up that they wanted us to attend. Fine. I doubt that it's anything that I'll be interested in, but I'm always game for a free meal. The problem is that it's a planned separation of the boys and girls. She told me that all the boys would be out back doing our "boy thing" while the girls had a little party inside. This shit make me want to fucking hork. I hate being lumped in with the men to do "man" things. Especially when it's the girls doing the separating. Women are always so bitchy that we men don't try to understand them. What about this archaic stereotypical horseshit that puts all of us on the same porch? I fucking hate Nascar and talking about what I do for a living. Maybe I'll just find a quiet corner to hide out in. Then again, they are Mormons. If I just get good and smashed, maybe they'll kick me out. Sweet

That reminds me, I can't stand it when I pick up the phone and the person calling me just assumes that I know who it is. You know these people? They just say "hi" when you answer. My dad does this, and I can't tell him apart from about four other men I know. The Mormon girl does it. I used to get all embarassed like I'm the asshold for not knowing who it is on the line. I'd play the little "Sooo... how's work been? What's going on this weekend? How long has it been since we've talked?" game. Now I usually just ask "who the fuck is this?" That gets me a proper introduction every time.

Jamba Juice is the fucking bomb. It's as simple as that. There's one about a mile from my second job so I get to have one every now and then before work. De-lish! Unfortunately they're not as healthy as one might think. Each one of the regular sized ones is packing as many calories as a DQ Blizzard. And they process pretty quickly so you're hungry again after a few hours. But it does have fruit... a lot of fruit. So if you're not accustomed to eating your daily recommended allowance of fresh fruits, then use discretion. Otherwise you'll wind up dropping four bucks for temporary hunger fix and a night full of pudding ass.

I actually had to exercise my managerial powers the ther day by telling one of my reps that he needs to improve his personal hygiene. There's this guy who's been with the company a few weeks. He dresses nice and all. But he's about 300+ pounds and the fucker smells like used armpit-scented toilet paper. Whenever he shows up, the rest of the reps request a transfer to another seat. You'd think it would sink in that he's always all alone. But no, he ust keeps on coming to work with little squiggly lines emitting from his XXXL shirt. So during a monitor sesion with him I had to politely encourage him to wash himself more thoroughly every day. I know you're fat, dude. But I assure you ... if you reach for the water, the water will reach back.

Nina and I have fallen in love with this German bar next to one of the only good German restaurants in the valley. You can see pics of the joint on Nina's blog. The problem with it is three fold. One, the seats aren't very comfortable. Oh well. Two, the Erdlinger beers that I've come to love are six bucks each. I can buy them at AJ's Fine Foods for two and change. But three, since it's a beer place, there seems to always be some dork sitting around talking brews and making sure to utilize his best German dialect. I can handle it, but it's quite the annoyance. Mainly because this is an environment where he's more in his element then I am in mine. So I have to sit there while he tries to be all suave for Nina as my increasingly drunk wife begins one of her famous twenty minute monologues.

More to come...

Half Nekkid Thursday 

Bloody hell!

I can't believe what a fucking drain on my blogging life this past week has been. To say nothing (except this sentence) of the fact that I've been busier than a one armed man at a Whack-a-mole competition with my two jobs, I've been saddled with a fresh and new trainee to replace me. Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm switching sites beginning next week, which will keep me pretty busy for ninety days, so I may have even less time to blog. Pity.

Oooohh...Bon Jovi's "Never Say Goodbye" just came on. I feel like going to a school dance and not getting any girls to dance with me, then going home and jerking off to Lita Ford.

"...you lost more than that in my backseat, baby." God, remember backseats? I was never any good at backseat fucking. But damn it if I didn't give it the old college try... and the old high school premature ejaculation.

Anyway. So this is my second attempt at training a new guy in my job. The first time I trained a replacement I had him for just under two weeks. He was smart and capable, but didn't quite grasp the concept that this job can't be fully trained for. No two days are the same. As a support organization my day is built around the needs of others. So after I trained him and left for my new site he nearly fell flat on his face and started complaining to anyone who would listen that he was never properly trained for the intricacies of the job. Then at the next Christmas party when I met his wife, she got all snide with me, like "oh, YOU'RE Mike." Yes, that's right I'm Mike, the guy who got hired on at $7K more per annum than your husband. Eat it.

"With a six-pack and a radio
We didn't need noplace to go"

That hasn't really changed much I think.

But now this time I have only one week to break this lad's spirits and build him into my image and likeness. Oh what a feeling of power. I feel like Jafar right after his third wish... and just before the gold bracelets. So I've had this guy shadowing me all day, every day now. When I'm in my office, he's in my office. Motherfucker, could you give me a little privacy here? I'm trying to draft up a sexy little note to my woman. Fine I'll delete it and tell you how to use our database. Fucking crybaby.

The truth is that he's also smart and capable. But he's also so damned new that I feel like some Army sergeant in 'Nam watching the fresh meat show up. He's all clean and pressed and he's so polite and full of courtesies. It's Wednesday and I've just gotten him to say "fuck". The boy's coming along. Still, the poor guy just happened to show up on a week when every single one of my engineers and technicians is PMSing and needing every fucking thing in the equipment inventory. He must feel like life is about to get damn hard. He'll learn.

Who the fuck changed the radio over to country?!!? What the fuck is this shit? God damnit, is this "White Trash Woman" song still the fucking number one hit? How the hell is it still so popular? Who's responsible for not assissinating this fucktard? I mean the bitch just keeps wailing out this anthem of being white trash. Come on people. I jump over to the local Hip Hop station on occasion. I've never heard a black man rapping some shit like "Damn, it feels good to be a porch monkey." We're just hurting ourselves here, people. Country music should be abolished. And then we nuke the south. Especially Texas. Sorry to all my Texan readers... I know you understand.

So I'm sitting here at my desk and sending the new guy on every errend I can think of in the name of training. Things are getting better. See you on Half-nekkid Thursday.

So last night I’m running around trying desperately to keep all the call reps in line. We were short on managers because one of them decided to help herself to three double shots of tequila and turn her training class for the new hires into a Grease sing along. I’m not kidding. I’m standing next to a rep trying to give her the proper way to offer the kid’s video as an alternate offer when I hear “Mike, get in here, quick!” So I turn and bolt into the training room where this chick proceeds to tell me that they need a Kenickie for Greased Lightning.

After excusing myself as quickly as humanly possible, I moved on to the next dilemma, that being teaching one of the reps how to properly activate the “recline” function on the swivel chair he’s in. Things are getting heated between two reps in a debate over which is the best tasting Poore Brothers’ Potato Chips. I managed to quell that situation, only to get a call to the other end of the room by Anna, the rep on my team who is way too cool to follow Federal regulations.

When I get there she’s holding her headset in her hand and is extending it out to me. I ask her what the problem is and she just shrugs and says I should talk to this guy. Thanks for the briefing, dipshit. So I take the headset and give a calm and pleasant greeting. And there I am ear to ear with the most wretched fuck of all the wretched fucks: Mr. Angry Do-Not-Call-Listie

Me: Hello, this is Mike K_____, how may I help you

Assmunch: Call center code and address.

Me: …Excuse me sir

Assmunch: Tell me your call center code and address

Me: I’m not sure I understand what you mean, sir. No, in fact I’m actually quite certain I don’t understand what you mean.

Assmunch: Are you aware that I’m on the Do Not Call List?

Me: I am now, sir.

Assmunch: So you ADMIT that you are calling me even though you knew I was on the list.

Me: No…I just told you that I wasn’t aware of that…However… (DNC script).

Assmunch: How did you get my number?

Me: We were provided this number by our client, _______.

Assmunch: And did they know I’m on the DNC List?

Me: I’d have no way of knowing that sir.

Assmunch: So then you admit that this is your call center’s fault. I’m planning on filing a claim against all of you!

Me: As is your right to do so sir.

Assmunch: Oh and I’ve been recording this conversation too, so you can’t deny it took place. I have you on tape admitting it was your fault.

Me: Well I’m not sure how you’d come to that conclusion. This was clearly a problem with the DNC List itself, not our doing.

Assmunch: Sure tell that to the Attorney General. *click*

Damn, I guess I just got served! It’s pricks like this who make me happy to bother people during the dinner hour. What kind of an arrogant fuck has a goddamned recording device hooked up to their phone just in case they get a telemarketer calling them. And this wasn’t even one of the examples of us breaking the rules. The shithead was a fucking customer of our client. We can call him all we want, DNC List or no DNC List. Haha, bitch!

The night shift has been referred to as “The Zoo” on many occasions by the day shift. This is because the day shift is full of sedate losers who can’t stand having fun on the job. They’re fist shakers. You know, the kind of people who look out their front window and shake their fists at the cars with loud music or the kids who cut across their lawns. So many of the people on the night shift have this as a second job, or are just trying to support themselves through school. The people on the day shift? That’s their main source of income. That means they’re losers, and I win. Yay.

I’m such a bitch. I’ve been moping around all day like some lonely kitty cat waiting to be pet. I’m not exactly sure how or why, but I am definitely having an emotional boy day. This sucks. This can’t possibly be what it feels like to be a girl every day, can it? I’d kill myself.

This was such a fantastic weekend. Friday, I got to my telemarketing job only to find out that because of a high number of rep call-ins I wasn’t necessary. Sweet! So I drove home, surprised my wife and got started on my weekend. I can’t remember what happened Friday evening, but I know it ended in me getting some, so it doesn’t really matter.

Saturday, I decided to treat Nina to a Wifey Appreciation Day. She’d had a rough week with her own emotions and stuff. I’d say more, but it’s not for me to talk about. I took her out to a mall we used to go to a lot when we lived in Mesa. I dropped her off at the Clinique counter where “Liz” was expecting her for her makeover. Did you know that makeovers are fucking free? How awesome is that? So I told her to enjoy it and set aside whatever makeup she liked. I can’t remember what she decided on but I think it was some skin base, a lip prep, and ummmm… fuck it, more make up.

After she got herself all prettied up, I walked her to the Victoria’s Secret. I knew that they were having their Semi-annual sale so I decided to get her a good bra and one for daily wear. Apparently, her “every day” bra had broken. But she was still wearing it. Oh no, not in my house! She ended up getting two nice bras and I got them at 20% off. You’d better hurry before the sale ends. She also got a pair of panties, but she accidentally grabbed a size too small. Oh well, they were only $2.99. We’ll just call them motivation panties.

After Victoria’s Secret, I took her to her favorite perfume store, where the big cheesy Frenchman she’s mentioned in her blog doted on us with fragrance after fragrance. It seems he could tell what we liked by watching our faces. Our personal preferences had little to do with it. He just kept handing us strips and having us smell them. After 20 minutes or so he was able to narrow each of us down to five or six bottles. Then we chose and walked out with all kinds of cool shit, because she’s one of his best customers.

So we were done with the mall and it was approaching 3:00 PM. So we headed out in the parking lot where there was a TGI Friday’s for appetizers and cocktails. I had a couple beers and snacks. Nina had a vodka cranberry with potstickers. Yummmmm… She seemed pleased with the day. Afterward we drove home and hung out until the block party that night. Then we spent the rest of the evening in the company of our neighbor’s Buffy and Derreck. Nina got smashed and fun was had by all.

Sunday, Nina was hung over, but I was doing smashingly well. I went with Buffy to the grocery store for some stuff to make Reuben sandwiches. After lunch we all went to Buffy’s out of town brother’s house to hang by the pool. We had a great time just fucking maxin’ and relaxin’ in the salt-treated pool. Then Nina and I went out for dinner at her favorite salad restaurant.

Once we got home it was all about getting ready for the week. I ironed. Nina washed and dried laundry. We got to bed at a decent hour and I stayed up later than I should have watching Raising Arizona.

So now here I am at work feeling like a fucking lost puppy. Everyone give me a great big “awwww”. I need one. A friend of mine called me a bitch and told me to stop being such a big pussy. Fair enough. But I’m sitting here looking at the online picture of my girl and I’m fucking touching the monitor like I could almost feel her cheek. I’m staring into her eyes, saying, “I miss you”. And her eyes are looking right back at me saying, “I miss you too.” Excuse me.

BLEEEEECH!! HORK!! GAHBLEEEECH!!!

Jesus, there’s gotta be some work I can do to keep my mind occupied. Plus I’ve been listening to Coldplay all fucking day. That’s not helping. Why don’t I just put on some Counting Crows and have a good cry. Cripes.

I have to admit that I’m addicted to my statcounter. I just love seeing who’s stopping by and where they’re from. Apparently I have a lot of lurking readers from all over the country (and Canada too! What up!) who simply never comment. Well a few moments ago I was clicking my recent pageload activity link and I realized I hadn’t checked my keyword searches in a coon’s age. I just had to leave a few comments here as to the glory of my googular hits.

NAILING VIRGINS – I thought I’d made myself clearly understood that I would never nail another virgin. I can only hope that the guy who found me through this search was pondering the potential disasters to knocking the dust off some untapped poontang. In sort, brother, just don’t do it. It’s simply not worth it. Not only will she fall in love with you but when you’re on top of her she’s gonna try to start moving her hips in some weird asymmetrical way that she thinks will get you hyped but will end up making you think “This bitch is a fucking retarded. How’m I gonna cum now?”

SPIT SWALLOW DODGE FELLATIO – One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belong. One of these things is not like the other. Can you guess which one before I finish my song? What the fuck is the word “dodge” doing in this one? I mean the first two are logical choices for the post-spurt disposal. But dodge? I don’t know who this girl is sucking off, but I’ve never fired off so hard that the chick had to do some Matrix style maneuvering to get out of the way. Damn, that’s a pretty funny visual actually.

JAW CAN LOCK UP – Indeed it can. Indeed it can.

SYMPATHY PUSSY – I love the very concept behind this. I can just see some girl feeling bad for a guy who’s all mopey and sad for whatever reason. And then she gives him that concerned but accepting look. And I can just hear her thoughts. “I know what would cheer him up. Maybe I’ll consent to intercourse with him. That’s always worked for my friends in the past.” In one hand you’ve got the theory that a chick isn’t going to just fuck a guy unless she wants to. And in the other, you’ve got the realization that pussy is a pretty decent way to get results. Not that I’ve ever gotten sympathy pussy. I’ve always had that shit in the bag from the word “go”. And you know this!

FREE MOVIES OF MEN JACKING OFF, JERKING OFF, EJACULATING – Free? Are you fucking kidding me? Shit, I’ll pay you to watch. An artist has to be liberal with his trade at first you know. I especially love how both jacking and jerking were both added to maximize the hits. I guess I must write about beating off a lot to get a hit on this.

VIRGINS GET FUCKED – This one again huh? Don’t fuck virgins people, it’s as simple as that!

BIGGER THAN MY HUSBAND’S – Okay, now fess up, which one of you was this? Never mind. I don’t really want to know. I’ll just assume it was… everyone.

Ever since I got promoted to manager at the telemarketing job life has been a bit easier, perhaps even more fun. Before the promotion I would sit in my car in the parking lot until the last possible minute before my shift, just dreading all the angry fuckers who’d be picking up the phones. Now my job is just to walk around and listen to the reps get yelled at and hung up on, and do my best to show them how to be as effective sellers as possible.

So for the past two weeks I’ve been reading management books and doing exercises meant to prepare me for the daunting task of managing a group of uneducated dickbrains. But until yesterday I didn’t have any specific names to associate these lessons. Now I do. I have been assigned a group of reps that I’ll be specifically watching and listening to, and I must say I’ve got quite the diverse group of demographics.

CEASAR – We’ll start with the best. Ceasar (and that is how you spell his real name) is a black man in his late twenties or early thirties. He sports a shaved head and is into working out. He’s very muscular, but fit. On the phone, his voice is like butter. People stay on the line with him just to hear him talk I think. The first time I monitored him I gave him a list of things he could do to improve. He didn’t like that. He took the list into the site manager’s office and complained. She seemed to quell his anger and he actually took the advice to heart. Last payday, when I handed him his check, he actually said, “That advice really helped me. Thanks. I think you’re a really good manager.” Warm fuzzies across the board. Then last night I monitored him again, and his performance was fucking spot on. I gave him a great write up. He shook my hand and told me that it was encouragement and advice that helped him become the room’s top seller. Aaahhhhh…

JOE – Our resident pathetic pussy hound. Joe is a 31-year-old fella who’s fallen on some tough times. He’s white, average looking, shorter than most women like, and he overplays his wit with poor choices of jokes. Oh and did I mention that if you are a female, you absolutely looooooove Joe? Well at least that’s what he thinks. In truth he makes women very uncomfortable, but not quite uncomfortable enough to go through the trouble of filing a complaint. He’s just one of those men you ladies have to deal with. He is actually a great seller so I give him some latitude. I just hate that he tries to copy the regional dialect of whatever lead he’s speaking to. Apparently it helps the party relate to the seller. But we’re not supposed to do it. Last night I heard him putting on some feaux-Asian accent for the Nguyen family in Sacramento (pronounced en-goo-why-en didn’t you know?). It was such an insulting representation I can’t believe they didn’t just call him an asshole and hang up. Well, that’s Joe

ANNA – Anna is a middle-aged woman of undetermined ethnicity, though I suspect mostly Asian and Mexican. She sits as far fro the young people as possible and stares at her screen. She has a sales pitch that she never ever deviates from. Unfortunately, it’s a pitch that excludes some phrases that we’re required by law to say. I wrote up a monitor sheet for her last night with all the things she just needs to add to be perfect. She took it, signed it, handed it back, and continued to give the exact same sale right in front of me. Fucking bitch. I can see she’s going to be an issue. If I can just get her to change these few little things, we’d be cool.

JASMINE – Our stereotypical ghetto black girl. She’s got nappy hair, an at times unintelligible dialect, ugly, unflattering ho-wear, and a bad attitude. She’s the “what-EVAAAA” girl. This is her response to being confronted on pretty much everything she does. But she makes enough sales to be productive, so I mostly leave her alone. She keeps trying to have conversations with the skinny black fag in the room all the time, which annoys me to no end. And I say fag because that’s what he is. He’s not gay, queer, dainty, prissy, or butch. This boy’s a straight up fag and he’ll announce it to the whole room…and often does. He told me he was hungry and I told him, “Honey, you sure you need to eat again?” He didn’t.

DANIEL – Older, gruff, pleasant to the leads, and doesn’t bathe regularly. I steer clear of him whenever possible.

ERIN – Sweet-natured Native American girl in her early twenties who wears all 80’s metal attire. I’m most impressed with her collection of vintage concert T’s by Megadeath, ACDC, Judas Priest, and fucking Lita Ford. She’s kind, quiet, respectful, and doesn’t participate in the drama that’s always flying around between the reps. I like Erin. And as much as I hate to say it, it’s nice to see an Indian lady who isn’t well on her way to a heart attack by thirty. And I like how impressed she was when I told her that I saw the Bon Jovi/Cinderella - Slippery When Wet/Night Songs concert.

ELYSE – She’s actually not on my team, but she’d like to be. She’s a sweet little black girl in her late teens I think who for some reason has taken to me as the manager she’s going to trust. I think it’s just that I’m the only one who tells her that she can do better rather than simply berating her for doing badly. Too bad she looks like a bulldog. But I sit with her and give her pointers. She’s gotten a lot better, and that makes me happy, because she seems to be enjoying the job more having taken to pleasing me as a motivation.

There are other, but I’m fucking bored with this post myself now.

1. I am dreading my thirtieth birthday
2. I make a fantastic lobster bisque
3. I’m a breast man
4. I haven’t taken a dump in three days
5. I have no interest in sports
6. I can perform most basic calculations in my head with good speed
7. I have never fully recovered from injuries sustained when hit by a car at age twelve
8. I had my first kiss at age fourteen
9. I had my first lay ten days later
10. I have had sex with fewer than twenty women
11. I despise Capri pants
12. My favorite word is “flummoxed”
13. For money, I will staple things to my body
14. I have stabbed a man in a fight
15. I have respect for all life
16. I love humanity
17. I am an Atheist
18. When angered, I become calm and sadistic
19. I am 12.5% black
20. I am from Indiana and I actually know a man who has had sex with his sister
21. I stare at myself in the mirror because I am vain
22. I stare at myself in the mirror because it puts me in a strange trance
23. I rarely ever look in a mirror
24. I love eating plain white rice
25. To stay sharp and safe, I automatically plan a way to destroy my closest friends
26. I believe in life after death
27. I am bisexual
28. I can restore a Rubik’s cube in under three minutes
29. I am addicted to at least one illegal drug
30. This year alone, I have eaten my weight in Subway sandwiches
31. I have a foot fetish
32. I am lost in a state of moral ambiguity
33. But I do have moments of clarity
34. There are only three people in this world that I trust
35. I have a slice scar on my right wrist
36. I dye my grays
37. My porno collection is so well hidden on my computer, even I can’t find it
38. I have given a blowjob before
39. I eat mustard, but prefer mayo
40. I have a strange tendency to slap myself in the face
41. I have almost constant THO
42. I keep track of people from my past, in case I need to have them “silenced”
43. I am a feminist
44. I have to piss every time I spit out my toothpaste
45. Despite my efforts, I still can’t beat an eight minute mile
46. I have never tried any hard narcotic
47. I have a genius I.Q. and a learning disorder
48. I fear rejection, yet seek out lost causes
49. I once watched a man choking, though I knew the Heimlich maneuver, because it was just so interesting

10 years ago- I was nineteen years old, on my first summer break from Indiana University. I’d had a rough year. I was a music student, and decided that I no longer wanted to study music. I was an emotional wreck and involved myself in numerous bad relationships. The last girlfriend I’d had (and unceremoniously dumped) had gotten into a terrible car wreck about this time that year, killing her long-time boyfriend, and landing her in a brain damage rehab ward for the better part of a year. She lost all memory of me. It’s better that way, I think. Otherwise, I was young, dumb, full of cum, and I relished in every moment of it.

5 years ago- In July, 2000 I was an Airman First Class in the U.S. Air Force. I was stationed at Davis-Monthan AFB in Tucson Arizona, where I spent my days calibrating test equipment, and my nights drinking myself into oblivion on delicious Nimbus Brewery ales. I had been married to Nina for over two years, was living in base housing, and growing steadily more disenfranchised with government life. Fortunately, it wouldn’t be something I’d have to deal with for too much longer. Thank you , Taco Bell.

1 year ago- Life was then very much as it is now. I try not to make too many changes in my life at the moment. In these tumultuous twenties, one can make it through by buckling down, working your ass off, and trying to keep your nose clean until the answers come. I mean it was damn near identical: same job, home, wife, car, kitty cats, blog, flat-screen television and shitty HP Pavilion PC. It’s a good life.

Yesterday- I slept in (9:30 AM), had a quickie, drank coffee, burned CDs, watched movies, had company, yelled at Sam, ate leftovers, drank Pete’s Wicked Rally Cap Ale, trudged my way through a 5K trying not to cry like a baby from th ebeer-induced stitch in my side, and crashed out while watching The Peacemaker.

Tomorrow- Will be very similar to today. My alarm will go off at 5:20 AM. I’ll shower, shave, dress and leave for work by six. I’ll get to work around seven. I’ll work all day, eat Subway for lunch and dinner, go to my second job, work there too, and leave at about 9:30 PM. I’ll get home around 10:30, go for a run, and go to sleep. In case you were wondering, that’s the plan for basically every weekday as far as the eye can see.

5 snacks I enjoy- Beer, Frosted Mini-Wheats, Pretzels, Cottage Cheese, Cherry Tomatoes

5 songs I know all the words to- Cliffs of Dover (Eric Johnson), Adagio in D minor (Samuel Barber), Shephard Moon (Enya), Air in G (Bach), and Summer Song (Joe Satriani)

5 reality television shows I watch- There is that Geico commercial where they put the newly married couple in the little house. Apart from that, nothing.

5 television shows I watch daily- Family Guy, Chappelle’s Show, whatever forensic evidence/new detective/ true crime show Nina happens to be watching.

5 things I would do with $100,000,000- Become a cyborg, buy Liechtenstein, train to be a ninja, make throw rugs out of poor people, and hire Kool and the Gang to play my birthday party

5 locations I would love to run away to- I don’t care…everywhere.

5 things I like doing- Watching movies (that don’t suck), listening to my Ipod, exercising, fucking, pooping

5 things I would never wear- A bodice, stilettos, a cowboy hat, ear barrels, and oral herpes

5 recently seen movies I like- Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, I ♥ Huckabees, Fletch… that’s about it recently.

5 famous people I'd like to meet- The five richest men in the world…and I’d like to meet them as I’m pushing them out of the way of a speeding truck

5 biggest joys of the moment- Subway Turkey Breast and Ham, music, running, travel for work, and reading emails

5 people to tag- Everyone on my sidebar who hasn’t done this yet.

ne this yet.

Disclaimer: If you know either Nina or me you probably don’t want the following visuals in your head.

As most of you know, Nina spent the entire week away in Vegas. One might think that this would have caused me to change my week around a great deal. With no wife around I can do anything my little heart desires. Well the truth is that the only difference I noticed is that I was sleeping alone. I get up at 5:20 every morning and get to bed around 10:30 every night. This time is spent either getting ready for work, driving, working, or jogging. But even though I don’t have much time for my wife anymore, my desire for fucking her hasn’t subsided one iota.

Friday: So by the time Nina got home on Friday I was pretty well determined that I was going to have her without mercy or consideration for her feelings. I had kicked Sam out of the house on Tuesday (another story) so we had the house to ourselves. When I walked in the door Nina was in the bathtub shaving her legs. I walked up to her kneeled down and started making out with her, getting my shirt and slacks wet in the process. After her bath, we got settled in for bed. I had had a long, hard week and was really looking forward to some relaxation. But I still had the energy to get freaky.

Nina knew the score so she came to bed naked and had asked me to turn the ceiling fan off. Apparently this mild breeze has quite an effect on a woman’s wetness factor. So as she laid on her side of the bed with me laying at her right side. We started making out and fondling one another. I was already hard, so I needed to make sure that she was ready for me, since my plan was to just pound her body without regard for her comfort or pleasure. So I started rubbing her clit and fingering her as she kissed my ears and neck. I love that. After a few minutes she was getting ready to cum. I did my best to fight the urge to start fucking her until she was well into an orgasm, which came only seconds later. Her right leg squirmed from underneath me, begging for me to get in between them. So I did. And I just started laying into her hard and fast, like some whore, yelling and growling at the top of my lungs. In less than thirty seconds I was cumming. Nina had gotten off hard too, so the brevity of the fuck didn’t bother her. I rolled over to my side on her right, and proceeded to pass the fuck out.

Saturday 1: I woke up with last night’s sex on my mind and a partial case of morning wood. Though I was still very satisfied from the animalistic fucking we’d shared only hours ago, I just thought I’d start my day with a quick pop. Nina woke up with me and we cuddled for a few minutes, talking about the day. I asked her if she thought that it was bad that I wanted a quickie and told her that I’d been fighting the urge to ask because I didn’t want her feeling like all she was was some “hole”. She told me I could have one, and so I got up from the bed, turned the fan off and walked to the nightstand on her left. I reached behind the big bottle of Egyptian cotton linen spray where we keep a lifetime supply of Moist® lubrication, odorless and tasteless.

The whole point of a quickie is that I get to just fuck Nina without any concern for getting her off. I can just chose my position and pound away until I cum. I love that. Quickies make me feel special. So, Nina was kind enough to move to the middle of the bed for me, so that my right leg wasn’t slipping off. I put a few dots of lube on my fingers, warmed them up, and rubbed it on her pussy. Then I got between her legs and slid right into her. I took longer than usual to finish because of the sex the night before, but it was still wonderful. I wrapped my arms around her and dug my chin in her right shoulder, placing the full weight of my body on top of her. I think women like to feel the weight of their man on top of them now and again. She lay there, compliant and caring, her heels gently rocking on my hips. And then, quietly and forcefully, I came inside her and slumped on top of her. She gave me a little kiss on the cheek to let me know that she loved me and enjoyed pleasing me. And so began our day of eating, movies, drinking, and playing.

Saturday 2: This was the great one. Nina knew that I was ready for more action by early evening. We went into the bedroom to watch a movie. I told her that we could either watch The Serpent and the Rainbow or lesbian porn. My vote was for lesbian porn. Nina compromised by saying that we start with the horror classic and then move on to the lesbian porn. So we took off all our clothes and lay next to each other on our bellies with pillows, facing the foot of the bed.

By the time Dr. Allen was dreaming of the dead, rotting bride she was sliding her hand underneath me feeling the smooth skin on the head of my cock. I rolled slightly to the right to give her easier access, but she didn’t want that. She wanted to take some time. So I rolled back onto my stomach, and let her have her fun playing with my body.

Within a few minutes, she had kicked her right leg over my body and was now sitting on my ass and thighs. I could feel her pussy gently rubbing on my ass as her hands explored my back. She was getting wet. I could feel slick streaks on my ass and back, and it was getting me hot. She leaned over onto me and whispered “if I had a dick I would so fuck you up the ass.” I was surprised, turned on, and quite happy that she didn’t have a dick. I could hear her breathing getting faster and more erratic. She was turning herself on for me. She slid up and down my back, turned around, bit my ass, licked my heels, and grabbed at my legs. She pushed my legs apart and started giving me a hummer from behind. I was trying to fight the insane tickle I felt so that I could just relax and get off on the sensation of my balls in her mouth.

Then she decided to start teasing me. I had adjusted my pelvis to make room for the erection that had grown under me and was panting for some Nina to put in my mouth. She kept dipping her tits right near my face and pulling them up so that I could only get a quick taste of her breast of a grazing of her nipple on my teeth. My neck was getting stiff from the effort to turn my head completely around. “You want to fuck me, don’t you” she taunted. Then she turned around and started biting my ass again. I could see her ass and pussy over my back when I turned my head. With one free arm I was able to dip one finger into her and cover it in her wetness. She leapt off of me for my defiance, but was probably quelled by the sight of me sucking my finger like a baby on his bottle.

She laid down on her back next to me and started masturbating. I got on my knees and started using my hands on her tits like she was doing. I reached behind her head, and pulled her hair tie off so that I could get a full grip of her hair. And I did. I grabbed her hair by the back of her skull and yanked her head right and left as I sucked on her neck and pinched her nipples. I pinned her wrist down at her side. She said “ow” so I let it go. She’s not one for enjoying a good, vicious dominating. So I used my hands all over her body and she used her limberness to kick her left leg over both our bodies, repositioning herself on all fours. Her ass now presented itself in splendor right in front of me, like a rare-cooked steak needing only a good knife for it to be used for its true purpose.

I shoved my dick into her, grabbed her hips and began ramming my pelvis against her ass. When being fucked from behind, Nina’s sounds become more like grunts and growls than cute, feminine moans. I gave it to her with everything I had. Again, I lasted less than a minute before I was filling her with my cum. But I could sense she was right on the cusp of a vicious orgasm, so I ignored the pain and continued fucking her until I felt her riding the last wave of a hard multiple. Then I fell to the right. My dick went limp and began to throb from all the hard cummng I had had in the last 24 hours. I used her hand to massage the sore and swollen tubes inside me. Then we remade the bed, turned on the fan, finished watching the movie, and I put her to sleep with “body drawings”.

Sunday: This morning I woke up to the phone ringing. It’s a collection company bugging me to get Sam to pay a bill he owes. That reminded me that he was expected to come home in an hour or two. Still sore and satisfied I asked only if I could lay on top of Nina for a minute. I pressed down on her and felt warm and soft. After a few minutes I rolled off of her and laid my head on her thigh, gazing at her vagina, massaging it with love. After a minute she said "okay, you have to stop now" and I decided that I needed some coffee. And that’s where we stand. Here at my computer, drinking my coffee, remembering some of the best sex I’ve had in months. Nina is terrified at the idea that you all are reading this. What can I say? A little terror gets me off.