Just Off Center

I have so much work to do that I can’t even decide where to start. So I’ll just ignore it all and start blogging.

I can’t stop eating. I’m serious. It doesn’t matter what I put down, I’m hungry again in a couple hours. And it’s not this little “sure I could eat” twinge of empty tummy thing going on. I mean I’ll be walking around and it’ll hit me like a Mac truck. I absolutely, positively MUST eat… NOW!!! This past weekend for the first time in as long as I can remember, Nina and I ordered pizza delivery. And about two hours later I met a sixteen-year-old kid with my precious large meat lover’s pizza for a paltry seventeen bucks. I know I ate more than half of it. I was full. I always get full. But two hours later I was on my way to the fridge ready to eat a pickle, yogurt, tomatoes, and lunchmeat with that not-so-yummy getting old glaze. Nina says it’s a good thing, that my metabolism is in high gear. But this is getting pricey. I’m going out to eat three times a day some days. I try to eat on the cheap though to minimize our losses.

Speaking of being sixteen, I remember when I was sixteen in high school we had a guest visitor who came by to tell us about our upcoming Junior retreat. For those of you in public schools, Catholic school retreats are where the entire class goes away fro the school, reads a few inspirational texts, and everybody hugs and cries listening to “Friends” by John Michael Montgomery. But this particular one was different, they sent us to the fucking ghetto downtown so that we could see how the unfortunate half lives. Truly depressing, especially when you consider that somehow, my having lived in a suburb outside Indianapolis qualified me to talk about the mean streets in Evansville.

Speaking of Evansville, I can’t WAIT to go home for Thanksgiving and see my mommy! I don’t get enough opportunities to hang out with my ma. Every time I talk to her, she has three questions for me. One, when are you moving closer to me? Two, are you in school? And three, why do you hate me so much that you live so far away? Very annoying. However, as time goes by I find that I want to spend more and more of my time hanging with mom. She’s the bestest. And not only that, when my mom told my brother and sister that I was going to be in town they volunteered to change their plans and come visit too. Mom swears that she didn’t pressure it. I don’t believe it. My sibs actually want to see me.

Speaking of people I didn’t think wanted to be anywhere near me, I got the strangest email the other week. It was a response to a letter I had sent to my first high school girlfriend three years ago. You see, three years ago, I was in that whole “go back to your roots” phase. Life was pretty awesome, so I figured now’s the time. I sent a letter to Shannon, my first real girlfriend, first love, first sex, first lots of things. I told her about my life and asked about hers, etcetera. She wrote back two weeks ago. And we’ve sent several friendly emails back and forth. How about that? There’s a woman out there with whom I had a relationship who doesn’t dream of seeing me grilled on a spit with my cock in my mouth. I took the requisite time to explain to Nina that it was purely catching up and friendly. As it turns out, Shannon is a lawyer, has a ten-year-old son, is a racerunner in the Indianapolis area, never married, and was recently a Coors Light girl. She sent me a pic of that. Nina… didn’t think that was very appropriate.

Speaking of fighting, Nina and I have been doing much better lately. I hate to admit that I allowed a self-help/relationship book guide my behavior toward my wife, but I think that it’s helped. I’ve just decided to not get all butt-hurt every time she gets a headache or decides to snap at me or nag me for some shit and just try to take it all in stride. I find that I just take a few deep breaths and let the hurt subside. Then I can process what she’s saying and try to adjust my actions to better suit my intentions. Yeah, it’s boring to read about.

Speaking of relationship books, I was walking around a mall bookstore the other week, looking at the relationship section. Apart from the books that are geared toward helping couples resolve their differences, which are few and far between, there appear to be only two kinds of books there: “Why men are lying, cheating, backstabbing, horrible, putric, rancid, awful, disgusting, overbearing assholes and how to avoid them” by Dr. Joanne Dustysnatch, and “How to get your wife to suck your cock fifteen times per week” by Dr. Ken E. Lingus. That’s it. You can either read endless bitching about men, or read another illustrated tome on the best way to hit that g-spot so she’ll let you give her a facial. Now that I think of it… I might want to thumb through a couple of those. Facials fucking rock out!

# posted by Mike @ 7:57 AM