Just Off Center

Recently I heard back from a pair of mormon friends who we were helping budget for a new house. About six weeks ago, after the house was complete and ready to move in, they decided they didn't like the current rates and backed out of the whole thing. The house is now a spec home and is selling for about $45K more than they were going to pay. Dumbasses.

The thing that really pissed me off about this is the number of hours that I spent helping them plan out their budget, rewriting the guy's resume, advising him on job search techniques, listening to them bitch, etc... They didn't even call to tell us they were actually cancelling. They just did it and avoided us for six weeks. Normally I find the idiocies of others to be quite uplifting, but this one bothered me. I don't like helping people with problems like this in the first place. Need help moving? Buy beer and pizza and I'll be there. Need to borrow $100 until payday? Just ask and we'll work something out. But this was like I was their own personal financial advisor, employment consultant, marriage councelor, and daily affirmist. And for them to just drop out without saying anything first? Lungs need to be punctured.

So what drove me to such benevolence in the first place? Well mainly, they're more friends of Nina than me and I hate it when her friends break away from her because of me. But also significant was the amount of favors that they did for us. They helped us move for two days. They drove my wife around and got us into Sam's Club many times. We never asked them to do these things normally. They just decided to be good friends, something I'm not accustomed to. When I confronted them about it, they said that they like to help others and that's how "they" are raised. "They" in this matter are Mormons. In case you were wondering, mormons are rampant in Arizona. I never noticed them before, but now that I know a pair, I see these teenage boys in black suits riding around on bikes all over the place.

Now I've always considered myself a tolerant man. Well that's not exactly true. Actually if I were to wake up tomorrow and the entire population of Earth had disappeared forever, that would be A-OK with me. I'd move into an apartment on the 80th floor somewhere and fire nuclear missles at the north pole. But until that happens I have to learn how to live with the people who share my personal space. It's not easy, especially considering that I consider my personal space to be that area within 200 miles of me in any direction.

So when I made the choice to befriend a mormon couple it was with the understanding that I could never discuss religion with them. I have found mormons to be some of the worst kind of zealots. Not only do they have their "faith" but their doctrines are such that they must each spread the word and convert as many as possible. That's why the boys are all forced to get softballs chucked at their heads from moving cards for several months when they're out riding around. By the way, since I have made these friends I thought it fitting that reduce the number of roadkill point missinaries are worth from 1,000 to 775. Recent events about the house though have driven point values up beyond calculation. Now those who splat a "missionary" are to be knighted.

So I did what I usually do when people disappoint me, I got over it and went back to work. But when I got there I received an email from one of my readers with a link to this quiz that determines which organized religion or faith best suits your personal beliefs. After completeing it I was amused by the thought that my closest match was a liberal Christian or Protestant. Even more amusing was that bottoming out on the list at 27th was Mormonism. That's all I wanted to see. Actually if there were a category for religions that would execute me on sight, I would have prefered they be in that one. But dead last on belief match was close enough.

Now here's the crazy part. Number 26 on the list, second from last? Oh yeah, baby! Roman Catholicism! Damn that's hot. Twelve years of Cathoilic school will do that to you, I tell ya. There's only so many times a person can go to confession for blasphemy before it starts to get funny. Seriously though, without my strict Catholic upbringing I may never have split off and formed my own beliefs. But to fly 26 faith systems beyond? Hell even Taoism was somewhere in the middle there. Well try it for yourself, and if your results come back New Age, don't ever come to my site again.