Just Off Center

We all have a past. We've all done things we're not proud of. I'm no different. I believe that no matter how good and pure each of us is, we have all betrayed our nature, or at least what we perceive to be our nature, at one time or another. It's the path of growth that we all take in our early adulthood. A person might believe that they are inherently good, and yet do something that directly contradicts that nature. We've all been disappointed in someone before. Why would we get disappointed if we didn't find their actions to be in contrast to their good nature? And there are many varying levels of evil that we can display. To some, infidelity may be seen as a pure betrayal. Others who have a more relaxed sense of morality might see it as wrong, but not that wrong. Such damning behavior might be seen only in causing physical harm. Still others might be equally offended by a white lie.
 
I'm just a regular guy living an incredibly ordinary life. But in years past, between ages 16 and 22 mostly, I involved myself in a fair deal of immoral behavior. I never killed anyone, so don't get the wrong idea. But I was a base scoundrel at the very least. Even so, I never did anything that I can recall that directly contradicted what I believed to be my nature. I've always been able to justify my actions as the logical results of my character. And, aditionally, I've explained my character to myself in terms that I can understand with ease.
 
Since my early adulthood I have changed many things. I don't steal or cheat. I don't try to hurt people and I try not to lie. But I don't believe that my nature has changed at all. And this is the very essence of this post. I think we all know somebody who thinks that they are "in tune" to the nature of other people, who can sense evil like a dog does. It seems like that would be some kind of extraordinary, supernatural gift. But it seems to me to be just a highly tuned sense of observation, like being able to spot a familiar face in a crowd, or hear an oboe in the orchestra. So it makes sense to me, in that regard, that someone can "sense" whether a person is good or bad, regardless of appearance.
 
During my darker years I found that some people would hate me at first sight. I always thought they were just assholes, and some of them were. But they were also right. And I couldn't really blame them for not trusting me. But these days I shake hands and make pleasant conversation. I actually am interested in what other people have to say... sometimes. But for some reason, there are still people who get very uncomfortable around me. There are still those who passionately dislike me instantaneously. And that has been the cause of much contemplation.
 
Perhaps those people who see something unnerving in me from the start are people with this highly tuned perception. Maybe my true nature remains the same, and people who sense that see me as a threat of some kind. It seems a bit far-fetched, I know. But I have no other explanation at the moment. And if this is true, what does that say about the people who automatically hate me? Is it the same as spotting a friend in a crowd? If so, then their reactions are tells of their own basic structure of immorality and fear. They would hate me because they are the generally contemptable humans who they perceive me to be.
 
Now I'd like to think that's true. If it were, it would mean that all these people who hate me for no reason are basically bad people and see some part of themselves in my eyes. It would also mean that no matter how we may change our behavior our truest nature and purpose are inflexible. Mine then would be to pull our civilization's moral integrity toward the immoral. But I suppose that there will always be that moral tug-of-war among us. This is getting too deep and way too implausible. Goodbye.