Just Off Center

Every now and again I make an effort to include a coworker friend of mine in some out-of-office social bonding events like barbecues, after hours bars and baseball games. This guy's name is Mike, but we'll call him Bitter-divorced-balding-33-year-old-has-been-loser. Well, maybe that nickname's too long. I'll just call him Lertz. In case you don't have any taste in movies, Lertz is the name of that giant, evil, bow-wielding ork that gets his head chopped off in the end of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. There's actually a resemblance. Well he is basically the only guy I work with who I can joke around and have fun with. Everybody else is either sorely lacking in the sense of humor department or is too far away from my tier for a friendship to bud.

I would hope that most of us know a Lertz. This is a guy in his mid-thirties who's looks are beginning to deteriorate for whatever reason. In this case, he's got a wicked receding hairline. He'll be top-smooth in two years. Lertz is tall and muscular. He used to play some sport, but never made it. He has a bachelor's degree and, as a result, thinks that he has some intellectual capacity that undergrads do not. He's divorced from the woman he thought he was supposed to be with (your basic Scottsdale chick looking for her MRS degree) and is extremely bitter about it. Yet he won't consider a woman who isn't every bit as plastic and impossible looking as his ex. Did I mention that he is terrified of being anywhere but in the center of the pack for fear of seeming strange. Apparently conformity is the credo with this guy.

Anyway, Lertz is trying hard to find the "right" girl so that he can remarry, have children, and start his life anew and issue-free. Of course he doesn't realize that baggage isn't left at the alter. If it was, then there wouldn't be many divorces at all I think. And since I've been with Nina for about a decade I've been trying to help him in that pursuit. I try, but in the end Lertz is just looking for more barflies to nail that will remind him of when he was a younger stud. He's not bad looking at all. He makes a decent living, has a house and a dog, and can be very funny. But he's still convinced that the best days are behind him. Why? Because he's losing his hair.

Well I'm just about at my wits end with this "friend". You see, he never invites me out with him. I'm rarely invites me to his house, and never when there's going to be anyone else there. He has told me that he wouldn't introduce me to any girlfriend he has. What the hell? Am I some kind of embarrasment here? Oh wait, I just read the last sentence of the title of my weblog again, "Just Off Center". I'm a free-thinker and a little weird, and when we're alone, so is he. He makes goofy faces and noises. We joke about girls and coworkers. And that's just not what he wants anyone else to think he is. So since I don't feel the need to be anyone but who I am, nor do I think that I am alone in my sense of humor, I have to conclude the the problem is his. Whew, now I feel better.

But if this guy is a friend, how can I bring him out of his shell? Why is he so locked up inside? And more importantly, do I give a shit about even trying? Most of the time I'd say that he's a project that entertains me, not really a friend. He's convenient to take breaks and lunches with, but is mostly boring and fake. I've actually realized that I worry about him embarrassing me in front of my other friends, who aren't encumbered by self-loathing. I've made that known to him as kind of "fuck you right back". So I listen. I advise him when asked. I confront him when he's a dick, which is often because he's both a compulsive liar and unable to take even slight criticism. And I work with him professionally.

I just wish that there were guys out there that I could relate to who don't require years of therapy. Have they all been ruined by bad relationships? Are they hard to find because they've all been snagged up and locked away by their wives? Or most terrifying, are there only a few of us out there, and our chances of finding each other are practically nil? Guys share feelings too. Women don't realize these things about men, so they try to find us friends that they think we'll like. It's the male bonding that women think all men look forward to (i.e. watching football, grilling out, shooting "hoops", circle-jerking) that I can't stand. Do I really give a shit about the Nuggets/Lakers game last night? No.

So this is a calling to you. That's right you, the guy reading this random blog agreeing with the shit I write. Send me an email or post a comment. Stop being abused by Lertzes and start looking for real pals. I may not be him, but start now, because it's only getting harder as the years progress. And knock off the emailing of naked pictures of yourself. My ego doesn't need any more boosting, stumpy.