Just Off Center

In my last post I got to reminiscing on the four years of relaxed hell I endured at my Catholic high school. I say relaxed because at that age, the teachers were always less concerned with teaching Catholic values and ethics than geography, algebra, and white history. Even though we had to take religion class (theology) the themes were more focused on world views and history of Roman Catholicism. Attendance at school mass was required, but it was only once per month and was usually a chance to catch up on napping and note-writing.

So if this relaxed environment is indicative of most Catholic high schools, how is it that so many people who were raised Roman Catholic are so disenchanted with their baptized (and usually confirmed) faith? As with most systems of control, the treachery begins in those earlier formative years, aka Catholic elementary school. I'm sure I'll eventually write on the varying grotesqueries of Catholic boyhood, but for now I want to focus on perhaps the most unusual and cult-like form of indoctrination; the rosary.

The Catholic rosary is meant to be a celebration of the life and mysteries of Jesus Christ, executed through a series of prayers. You've seen the physical rosaries before, no doubt. They look like necklaces, covered in beads, with a crucifix at the end. People who pray the rosary usually carry them in their pocket, not wear them. And when you're on your knees before the $7,500, 40 foot, solid rosewood cross and grab that first bead you know that you're in for a long and cumbersome penance. I say penance because even though some people pray the rosary out of faith and love, most do so because the priest ordered them to in confession. Here's what a rosary entails:

INTRO
1 Sign of the Cross
1 Nicene Creed
1 Our Father
3 Hail Mary's
1 Glory Be

BODY
1 Our Father
10 Hail Mary's
1 Glory Be
repeat nineteen times

CONCLUSION
1 Glory Be
3 Hail Mary's
1 Our Father
1 Nicene Creed
1 Sign of the Cross

YOU'RE DONE!!! Wasn't that rejuvenating? Yes, Reverend Moon, very much so. Did you catch that part where it said "repeat nineteen times"? That's that soul sapping (I mean saving) repetition that I was talking about. In total when you're ordered to perform the rosary, you're in for 252 prayers. After 50 you're rolling them out with a speed that could rival that guy who did the Micromachine commercials in the late eighties. You start dropping consonants and whole words just blend into one big noise. But hey, it's not the meaning that matters, just that you get through it that proves your faith. So let's go over a few of these prayers to see what we're professing to God.

NICENE CREED

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen.

We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, of one Being with the Father. Through him all things were made. For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary, and was made man. For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered death and was buried. On the third day he rose again in accordance with the Scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end.

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son he is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

So this is where we start, in profession of the beliefs and faiths of the Roman Catholic...in unison. Look at the language used here. God is God is God is God is... He came down without telling anyone, and nobody believed him, can you imagine? He was killed and it was the Roman's fault. After a few days he fulfilled the prophecy, which nobody has ever heard before. He sits next to God. But it just said that he IS God. Can't he just reunite? Does he need to take all three seats up there? Is this the Lord God or Agent Smith? He'll be back to kill fucking everybody. The ghost is responsible for everything we don't understand, so leave that science thing alone. We're right, everyone else is damned. You're a filthy beast until you get some water splashed on your head by a priest. All we can look forward to is that the dead will stand up and we all walk to eternity together. Amen.

We all know the Lord's Prayer, and I think I can say that the sentiment is similar, so I'm going to skip right to the "hare krishna" of the rosary, the Hail Mary.

HAIL MARY

Hail Mary, full of grace the Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou amongst women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus
Holy Mary, Mother of God pray for us sinners
now at the hour of our death
Amen

By the tenth one of these it sounds more like "hailmaryfullagrace, thalordswithya, etc... But what I never fully understood is why the Virgin Mary is so damned important to this ritual or any other facet of Catholicism. So God knocked her up. I suppose that's cool enough. But in the end, she was just another woman. She wasn't rich or educated or supremely moral either. And it's not as if Jesus came flying out of her fist first with a white cape and a big "J" on his chest and that only Mary had the superwomb that could gestate him. Alright, she kept him alive until he was a grown man, way to go mom. That doesn't mean much, though. Hell I don't see anyone praying to my mother and she raised three of us.

And what's this "mother of God" shit? She might have taught him to be a nice boy and work hard and all. But I'm pretty sure that once you find out that you are God incarnate, mom's lessons are gonna take a backseat. Besides, where's she at these days? You want to know why her image keeps popping up all over the world? It's because there aren't any chairs left for her in Heaven, all the varying permutations of God are taking all three. And I wonder if they lift their feet when Mary vacuums.

Lastly, is there something that she knows about my life that I don't? Why am I asking her to pray for me now at the hour of my death? I must have said this prayer a thousand times. Haven't died yet. Is an hour in Heaven like 500 years here? If so, then I guess this is the hour of my death, but it's the hour of everyone's death, so why bother saying it at all. I'm just looking for a little logic and consistancy in these prayers. This whole death thing couldn't possibly be another fear tactic meant to get me to obey in a last ditch effort to save myself from the fires of Hell would it?

And that's the rosary. 180 minutes of "hour of our death, hour of our death, resurrection of the dead, hour of our death". And it might just be effective at soul cleansing. After about an hour into a marathon like this I can't wait to die. I suppose in the end, the biggest mystery to me about this ritual is how does all of this ceremony bring me any closer to understanding the will and love of God.