Just Off Center

Over the course of this year I think that I've received about fifteen of those stupid fucking emails from fair-weather friends and distant relatives filled with "tell me about yourself" questions. These are the emails that have questions like "What's your favorite color?", "Have you ever been in love?", and "Have you ever cried at a movie?". Every time I get one of these I want to respond to their e-inquiries with an e-choke-hold.

First off, the email is waaaaay too long. Some of these things have 200 questions in them. It reminds me of the movie "The Game" in which Michael Douglas spends a day answering questions and gets mind-fucked to the point of suicide for the rest of the movie. I mean can't we abridge these things a little bit?

Second, why send me a bunch of questions about myself at all? I mean you're making the effort to send me an email. You obviously took the time to remove your own inane answers to this electronic inquisition before sending it. It seems to me that you must be at least a little bit interested in knowing more about me. So here's an idea: HOW ABOUT JUST SENDING ME A NORMAL FUCKING EMAIL AND ASK HOW I'M DOING YOU SKUNK-BRAINED TWATS?!?! Christ! I know that email is a little bit less personal than an actual conversation, but can't we even pretend to give a shit? I consider these emails tantamount to leaving a nickle tip for the waitress. What a slap in the face.

So to calm my nerves I've decided to remove about 95% of the retarded questions from this list and revise the rest to my liking so that I feel like I'm really learning about the person I'm emailing. Here's my revised "gettin' to know ya" list:

1. What's the nickname you've had that hurt your feelings the most?
2. Who was the first person to rip your fucking heart out and how old were you?
3. When was the last time you stole something?
4. How did you justify it to yourself?
5. Why are you such a dismal failure?
6. Who do you want to murder the most?
7. Liar! Who?
8. How often do you use racial slurs to people who cut you off on the road?
9. Why does God hate you?
10. What's your favorite color?
11. Why do you think I could possibly care what your favorite color is?

Now if someone were to send me a list of questions like this my blood pressure might lower. I may even answer them. But somehow I doubt this will ever happen. No, I'm sure that in the end I can only expect to receive more lists with "How old were you when you first made love?" in them. Made love? How about asking how old I was the first time I tried to fifth base a girl without asking first?

But even then the answer would be never. Well, it looks like I know what I'm doing tonight.