Just Off Center

Thanks again for all your patience. Except all of you who took the time to bitch about my absence. You can all eat a pound of my cock.

One of the things that’s really been getting me cheesed off lately is that I’ve been getting comment spam. I just noticed it a couple days ago. They’re all MILF related it seems. I have no problems with MILFs at all. Wait, does it need to be capitalized? How about just milf? And how does one determine the milfness of a milf? I mean, we can’t have every skanky mom in town running around saying she’s a milf just because hubby hasn’t knocked the dust off her pussy in six months. I think there should be a prequalifying list of… qualifiers. And we should probably make these criteria weighted too. So how do we gauge the milfness of a candidate?

PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS – For starters, she has to be put together well. And this doesn’t mean thin either. She just has to have some measure of proportion to her. I’ve walked around too many Wal-Marts and seen these moms walking around who at one time were probably fairly proportional, but now have an ass that takes up the whole isle. Where do these women find jeans? When my wife was heavier, it was damn near impossible to find her a pair of pants that she liked. And she wasn’t even that big to begin with. Anyway, I can go on and on about these bohemoths, but I have other criteria to cover. Physical attractiveness is worth up to ten points

FUCKABILITY – You might think this is very similar to physical attractiveness. The difference is that fuckability is that intangible feature about a woman that makes men stop what they’re doing, stare a woman down, and try not to let her see they’re checking her out and thinking about how much she’d benefit from a good hard pounding. It could be the way the hair falls over her face or the stride in her step. It could be the glint in her eyes. Or it could be the way she sits on the park bench with knees apart and no panties. Regardless, this is an important one. A guy isn’t going to try to nail a milf is she isn’t at least moderately fuckable. In this decade, fucking an older woman with children is okay as long as she has sex appeal. Otherwise it’s just sad. Fuckability is worth 15 points.

DESPERATION – You’re not the youngest chicken in the henhouse anymore, honey. There are plenty of young, nubile things out there who have no idea that we weren’t serious when we told them we’d take them to Cabo next month. Sure you have more experience and are probably much better in bed. But these girls just seem to constantly be shaking their asses. It’s like a fucking pendulum. We need something to snap us out of it. And that’s where you come in with straight, hardcore, depraved, undignified desperation. How easily can you walk up to us and stick your tongue in our ears? Are you willing to pay for cabfare back to your place and then for me to back to the bar when I leave 45 minutes later? Can you tolerate being called Julie… if your name isn’t Julie? The more you can make a guy say, “Jesus, this bitch is fucking begging for it!” the higher you score… with us and in this aspect of milfness. It’s worth 20 points.

CHILDREN – You can’t be a milf unless you have children. Otherwise it would just be ilf. And that sounds far less sexy. So kids will be worth a maximum of 25 points. This should be further broken down.

• Five points for each child up to two. After that, lose five points each
• One point for every year between children. I’ll explain later.
• Two points if one is still sleeping in a crib.
• Five points if you still lactate. Score!
• One point for every behavioral medication your children are on as a result of your neglect since you are so busy trolling for cock.

AGE – It’s milf, not gilf. And it damn sure ain’t g-gilf. So let’s keep the age somewhere between thirty and forty-five. I’ve had to make a cutoff at thirty because younger than that is still too fresh and new to be a real milf. There are too many options open to girls in their twenties, even the ones married with children. No, it’s just not going to fly. And anyone above 45 will have to submit for a special dispensation from the committee. Oh, and I’m the committee. Age is pass/fail and it’s worth ten points

CUNNY CONDITIONS – I don’t have children. But I have seen plenty of babies in my time and not one of them has been smaller than my dick. It’s hard to imagine how birthing doesn’t turn a woman’s genitals into some sort of cavernous abyss. However, I have heard that shape and elasticity can all return to normal with effort. So that’s what this one is all about. How much time have you spent doing that clenching thing? Are you maintaining the proper trim and cleanliness? Are you… not so fresh? Do you still treat it like the prize? This is worth zero positive points because by the time we get to check it out we’ve already deemed you worthy of milfery. However, this category will cause you to lose up to 178 points based on the extreme nature of the situation.

Okay, after doing the math I realized that total points achievable is only 80. So, like any good man would do when the outcome doesn’t fit the intention, I’m going to change the intention. 80 is now the maximum allowable point score. Anything under 50, and you are NOT a milf. Oh hell, let’s go ahead and issue the grades like a Seventeen quiz.

-178 to 49 – You are a horrid and putrid excuse for womanhood, and should start living vicariously through your children full time. Oh, and your husband is cheating on you. Sorry.

50 to 59 – You meet the minimum specifications for a milf. You may now wear conservative sexy attire and go for strolls through parks with your kids. You may accept being called a milf as a compliment. However, you are not milf enough to proclaim your milfness in public, and you should definitely enroll in that spin class. Oh, and your husband is cheating on you with a better milf in the neighborhood. Try harder and get him back.

60 to 69 – You are a fine example of the modern milf. You probably own Juicy sweatpants and Uggs. Men watch you out of the corners of their eyes and wish that their wives looked like you. Women probably think you’re a dirty slut… because they know that their husbands wish they were you.

70 to 80 – You are the quintessential milf, and you should be damned proud of it. Men want you. Women want to be you. Boys come into their manhood a few months early thanks to you. Girls… well girls are just too wrapped up in their own lives to notice you. But fuck them. You’re smoking hot and you know how to use it. Here’s to you, milf!