Just Off Center

Since I busted Sam out about all the Internet porn he'd been looking at lately, he's stopped using my computer as his primary source for spank-off material. So, since the furry little critter still hasn't shaved his wooly body down, replaced his missing front tooth, improved his midwestern dimwit disposition, or found a dollar to add to his wallet, it's a good bet that he hasn't located any women willing to give up the nani to his cause. And since I also bet that he's pretty much a chronic masturbator I had to figure he's finding his spread-eagled hussies elsewhere.

While performing a routine room inspection I happened to open his closet door and... lo and behold we have discovered the mother lode! I am staring down at a stack of no fewer than twenty hardcore porno mags. And I'm not talking Playboy either. We've got Club, Cheri, Swank and other fantastic publications fit for the finger-spread honey pies of poor, rejected young girls everywhere. Not to simply judge anything at first glance I decided that bit of research was in order. After thumbing through the stack, I picked out a few of my favorites to share with my loyal readers. And to keep an air of diversity in opinion, I've enrolled the assistance of my wife to aid in the reviews.

NEWCUMMERS - With a headline like "16 Fresh Twats WIDE OPEN" who could possibly resist? I've often been of the opinion that there aren't enough compilations of open twats in other rags like Life and The New Yorker. And damn if Newcummers doesn't deliver on its promise. Within its pages is pictorial after pictorial of barely legal tragedies smiling pretty for the camera as they work their way to the final apex of them sitting on the floor trying to keep an honest grin to hide the humiliation inherent to the fact that they're actually showing the insides of their vaginas to the camera. Some of these hos are actually pretty cute, and all of them seem perfectly happy with their lot in life.

Mike says: Where the fuck were these sluts when I was fifteen?!?

Nina says: That's not the pink that's in style.




LOLLYPOPS - In an industry choc full of possible locations for girls to get naked and be the target for lowly ejaculations everywhere on the day after their 18th birthday, Lollypops has very little hope of rising to the status of the aforementioned Newcummers and the crown jewel of adolescent pussy mags, Barely Legal. As such, Lollypops has taken to impressing the general public with just how low they will stoop, hiring some of the most homely looking tail I've ever seen. Just look at the covergirl. This is as good as it gets. In fact I almost recognized one of them from my most desperate hour in Junior Year. I'll say no more on that. They include interviews with the talent, blowjobs with the obligatory facial cum shots, and a pictorial starring a girl painting on herself.

Mike says: Cialis has a new archrival.

Nina says: Yup... there's definitely nothing in there I want to suck on.



No1 - INTERNATIONAL - International indeed. I'm not even sure what language this mag is in, possibly Russian or Polish. The first scene is fairly decent, with the exception of a picture that Nina described as the girl imitating a trumpet with her cooch. The rest of the thin magazine is a collage of hardcore sex scenes with full penetration including vaginal, anal, doggy style, blowjobs, and what appears to be a woman in a wedding dress being eaten out by the Maid of Honor. All scenes offer the gratification of showing a happy whore drenched in cum in the bottom right corner. All in all, a fairly blase rip off of other American smut. Unless you are a collector or just have a vivid imagination and a fetish of mail order brides just stick to the downhome poontang in our fine American porn.

Mike says: Magazyn erotyczny dla wielbicieli megabiustow... i nie tylko!

Nina says: I bet the porn was so much better when they were still communists...please don't let it be Russian, please don't let it be Russian, please don't let it be Russian.


BLACK TAIL - Well! It appears that Sam is more diverse in his selection of jerk-off muses than I thought. Not only does Black Tail give the "reader" a healthy dose of African American ass (connected to the well-revealed African American snatch) but it gives him more than one at a time. Every scene contains no fewer than three sluts posing in identical fashion for their men. Of course they never touch, because lesbian skanks are just dirty. But laying asses up side by side, like a slot machine that always wins, these girls deliver the goods to our chocolate lovin' brothers the world around.

Mike says: I've never been one for the black girls, but put them all together and you've got a sistah I can't resistah.

Nina says: Wow, a new definition for the term "weave".





CHOCOLATE MOUNDS - There's no way I'd be so prejudiced as to only include the one token tribute to black pussy. So with great pleasure and tearing eyes I bring you Chocolate Mounds. This full-length magazine is a nod to the theory that you can be fat, ugly, and basically misshapen and can still be considered sexy as long as you just happen to have large tits. And large is hardly a way to describe the mocha mommy bags in this rag. These things are big, like mutant big. And for added pleasure, we get to watch them twisting and shaping their own tits... well... just because they can. The last half of the magazine is entirely advertisements, and mostly for phone sex with white women. And I'm glad of this. Judging from the face on the covergirl, not only am I looking at unattractive black women with ginormous racks, but I might have just been looking at unattractive black women with ginormous racks who also used to be men.

Mike says: I'd totally be down with this if it wasn't for the fact that I'm more of an ass man.

Nina says: Thank God Michael's an ass man. How could I ever compete? And I'll NEVER be able to eat another Mounds bar again.

SOME JAPANESE PORNO - If I had to pick the race of woman that I find most attractive, Japanese would definitely be in the top twenty. This magazine that is completely penned in Japanese fills my every urge to look at grown women with the bodies of twelve year-old boys. I do have to say that the pics, while scattered and seemingly random, are done with class and consideration for the girl. There are no pussy shots of any kind. If the girl isn't wearing panties she's covering her hoo-ha with her hand. What a jip. However, what this magazine lacks in through-the-tube kidney pics, it makes up for in volume. There are no articles of any kind. Just collage after collage of sweet young Asian things smiling and putting on their best "God I'm sooooo turned on right now" face.

Mike says: I'll pay the $25 just to remove the sign asking me for $25.

Nina says: Mmmm... I'm suddenly in the mood for raisins.


KINKY NEIGHBORS - I am thoroughly impressed with this montage to the many diverse fetishes we boys and girls get into. I don't even have room to make fun of it. There's the covergirl taking a dildo the size of a pint glass right up the ass. There's a woman actually shaving her head while she gets naked. Another girl poses in red leather with quotes that make no bones about the fact that she's a prostitute. See the caption on the left side of the cover. Who doesn't like "cooze for cash"? Still another girl covers her body with red candlewax while another actually does a very decent job of taking on the school teacher who likes to suck off the boys look.

Mike says: Is this for the guy who knows he's a kinky, pervy bastard, but just hasn't picked a kink to focus on?

Nina says: How the fuck can a virgin know what kinky fetishes he has?


40+ - So this is what it comes down to. We've got a thirty year-old man jacking off to the "mature" section of our American porno industry. Actually, some of these ladies are looking quite good, but then the "40" isn't the part that scares me. Forty isn't old at all. It's the "+" that has me concerned. This magazine is a Hustler-esque look at women as they approach the "change of life" when they can feel free to be skanky, trashy sluts without the fear of getting knocked up and having to come up with a better story than "He smelled like my favorite whiskey, so I let him cum inside me." Passers-by are tempted by the promise of the horny ramblings of a certified "squirter". Sexy. And just for our boys at the front our little aging queens get their MILF selves over to the local Enlisted Club to inspire our boys in green. They say life begins at 30. For the first time, I'm tempted to not find out if that's true.

Mike says: I think I see an airbrushed liver spot. Yummers!

Nina says: I know men don't like to feel teeth, but isn't this taking it a bit far?