Just Off Center

Another long day yesterday. But since I had Sunday to rest I made it through just fine, and even had the energy to bust out a record-paced two mile run. It felt like 14:30, and that's the fact, Jack. After getting my sweaty man ass back home, rehydrating, and cooling off, I came to bed and flipped through channels with Nina. I stopped on Showtime where my boys Penn & Teller were about halfway through their ingenious show, Bullshit!

This particular episode was about the death industry. When we stopped on the channel they were making fun of a vampire couple who wore black, had fangs, wrote stupid goth poems and drank each other's blood. Fun! But then they started tearing into the actual funeral home industry. Boy was that an eye opener. I loved all the ways the funeral directors would try to guilt and scam the poor mourners into upgrading to shit they really didn't need. I especially loved the part where they illustrated that the protective seal upgrade on the caskets basically turns the casket into a pressure cooker, liquefying the dead and eventually causing the casket to explode. Sweet! I'm definitely in.

Actually, no I'm not. One of the points they made was a good one. If you don't want your loved ones to get screwed while planning your final sayonara, then it's best if you just tell someone you love what you want done now. Just the general stuff. Leave the details to the mourners' discretion or put it in the will. We exchanged last wishes and called it a night.

Nina wanted to make sure that I know exactly what to do when she dies, because she is absolutely certain that nobody else would abide by her wishes. Her contention is that once she's dead, she'll have nothing else to give anyone and so everyone will just turn their back on her. Well I say... Bullshit! I think anyone who's ever met her would follow through on her wishes. Especially since they're so simple. She just wants to be given a simple, inexpensive memorial, cremated, and scattered in the ocean on a rainy day. Cake, huh? Hell, some of you coastal kids could do this shit from home. And I might be calling upon one of you for this too, in the even that I'm... ummm... detained?

Now my last wishes for my mortal remains are a bit more complicated. But with the right resources, I don't see it being a difficult wish to accommodate. My wish is, like Nina's, to be given a very cheap and simple memorial service. Fuck the funeral director. I'm dead, what the fuck do I care how opulent it is? Then cremate me and put me in the cheapest urn they've got. Do it Big Lebowski style if you want.

Here's the good part. After some time has elapsed and all the research and preparations are done and in order, everyone who wishes to attend comes out with Nina (or whoever) into the desert where nobody will be watching. Then they take my ashes, put them into a nice, big rocket. You know, the ones the geeks in high school physics studied. Make a hefty one. I want to fly high. And once the rocket is in the air get ready with the remote detonator. You heard right... detonator. I suppose lighting a fuse before launch works too. But I want to soar into the sky and then have my ashes blown... the fuck... UP! Then after the big kaboom, everyone goes out and gets piss drunk at a party.

And that's that. Couldn't be much more simple could it? Can you beat that?