Just Off Center

Friday night I did not have my head in my work. I'd had a long, hard week at my first job and went to a bar by the second job for a beer. I had three. When I got to work I was tipsy, tired, and brain-fried. I didn't really do much that was productive. Fuck it. I'm not trying to make manager of the year at the telemarketing job.

So one of the other managers was hungry. I recommended my favorite Italian ristorante for a pizza. It's close by and the cheese pizza is pretty cheap. Made from scratch, a large is still only about $12. So I went and got the pizza. I thought that I had been quick, but I guess my coworkers thought I had taken too long. When I got back I dropped off the pizza in the managers break area and found two other supervisors having a conversation. They didn't see me, so I just listened in, because I'm a scoudrel like that.

"What's taking Mike so long?"
"He probably stopped somewhere to rub one out."
"Ha! That's funny. Yeah probably."
"You know, I don't really want to think about Mike rubbing one out."
"Neither do I actually. I bet he keeps count of his strokes and calculates the best pressure and speed for maximum jerk efficiency."

At this point they were laughing. Then I popped around the corner and they just lost it. They couldn't look me in the eye. One of them commented "the awkwardness just won't go away!" They were so busted.

I wasn't offended. It's actually a pretty funny joke. Still it got me thinking, am I really that kind of guy? I mean I know that I analyze the fuck out of everything. Heh, I said anal. But I suppose that there are far worse things they could be saying to poke fun. I could actually take it as a compliment. If I died tomorrow and left a legacy of being known for two things, analytical skills and frequent mastrubation would certainly be top ten.