Just Off Center

What the hell is going on in my life where everyone I ever meet has to try to tell me who I look just like? Every time I get introduced to a new rep or some young technician I get ten seconds into a meet & greet before I hear the inevitable... "Oh my GAWD, do you know who you look exactly like?" Well, there has been a very impressive range of people who I have resembled over the years. I don't see much of a resemblance in most of them. I think it's just that the Mexican and black people I meet just want to relate to me somehow. That's just fucked. How about if I walk up to one of the black reps and yell "Hey Eddie Murphy! Say 'I'm Rick James, bitch!'". Or maybe I can see some Korean girl and comment on how much she reminds me of Kobe Tai?

We'll start with the most common.

Finch - Also known as the actor Eddie Kaye Thomas. By far and away my most common comparison. Maybe it's the general blank expression, or the way I just naturally stand straight with my hands behind my back. Perhaps my personality is similar to the character known as Finch, from the American Pie series. All I can say is Finch got the MILF... twice.

Still it is a little bit disconcerting that this socially inept, plain looking dork is the man that I am most commonly associated with. I mean... just look at him! I want to walk up and tell him to give me his milk money. I just have to keep telling myself he got the MILF, he got the MILF, he got the MILF. Let's just hope that the next one is a little cooler.





Elijah Wood as Kevin from Sin City - Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the decapitation and cannibalization of whores. When seasoned right, those cock-worn fingers make an excellent appetizer I bet. And there can be no doubt that even though he didn't utter a single syllable during his performance, Wood's representation of Kevin was just awesome. He popped right out of the page.. and kicked the shit out of my main man, Marv. And when it was time to face the music, he didn't make a peep. I can totally hang with being called Kevin. Elijah's done me proud. But there are there comparisons to me as Wood in this role, and there are comparisons to me as Wood in other roles.



Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins from Lord of the Rings - Okay, them's fightin' words! If you're going to reference LOTR and say I'm a character, call me Aragorn. Call me Legolas. Call me Faramir. Call me Gollum if you must, but don't try to tell me that I somehow look like Frodo. The guy spent the entirety of the trilogy with this pained expression on his face, trying to fight the will of the One Ring. What a fucking pansy. Sam cried no fewer than eighteen times during the movies, but he still found the strength to carry Frodo's ass up that mountain.

Now I'm angry again. Let's try someone who's actually alive to compare, and not some character from a movie or comic book. This one hasn't happened in a long time, but for years when I was living in Indiana, I was sworn to be a spittin' image (yes they say that there) of the country singer known as...



Vince Gill - If it wasn't clear to any girl who met me that I hated country music then this would have gotten me laid a lot! Just look at those trustworthy eyes. You can trust me. Come on over. I'll sing you a song. I'll even write one for you and give you credit in the liner notes. You know what would help? Why don't you have another lass of wine and loosen that top button. Just look in my eyes again, You know I wouldn't do anything bad to you. Mind if I take my shirt off? This air conditioning has really been a bear lately. You can do the same. Don't worry, I won't peek. I'm just a big old teddy bear. You like this song? I made it up six years ago, but I never really knew what it meant until tonight. Please. Don't leave me alone now. I have so much to share.

More to come. This isn't over yet.