Just Off Center

Given recent events, I’ve taken a few minutes to examine my life, such as it is, and ponder the possibility that there are certain addictions that, at least in part, rule over my life. I’m not an alcoholic or a drug addict, but I know that there are some physical, emotional, intellectual, and psychological stimuli to which I am partially enslaved. I know that we all have that mild addition to certain foods or drinks. And in our lives, there will always be something that we crave most on a regular basis. Even so, it’s sometimes a good idea to reflect on the cravings and urges we have to see if they serve something in us, or if it is we who are in service to them.

· ALCOHOL – I have alcoholism in my family. I still like to drink. I don’t get stinking drunk every week and I don’t suck back a six-pack before noon just to get rid of the DT’s. But nearly every single day I say to myself, “damn I need a drink”. And by “drink” I mean a good double slug of chilled vodka with a 32-ounce beer back. I love drinking. I don’t really like being drunk and I certainly can’t stand that moment when you wake up and let the hangover surf in on the memories. What I mean by that is sometimes after drinking a bunch I get all super friendly and touchy-cuddly with people. Now, if I was a chick that might be ok. But as a guy it’s perceived as flirting…with both sexes. There have been times that people have said, “Mike, your wife is right over there.” But I’m not flirting. I’m just…well that’s how I get when I’m hammered. Sure, I’m just drunk and trying to have fun, but it gets taken the wrong way and that’s how some nights go sour. Then the next morning I wake up feeling fine for a moment. And slowly the memories flash back from the previous night’s activities. And with each regretful action comes a new and bigger wave of the hangover. It would probably be better if I just didn’t drink at all. And with Sam visiting, I’ve cleaned out my entire liquor cabinet. So of course all I can think about is how badly I want a drink. We’ll see how it goes.


· SEX – I know most people would say, “Of course, you’re a man”. But I think I deserve a little bit more credit for being at least a mildly addicted sex fiend. I want to fuck my wife every day, five times a day. It doesn’t matter where we are or what we’re doing, the needs of Titan McBangsem take priority. The slightest grazing of her arm across mine will trigger the anticipation. I’ll take anything I can get and I’ll get it any way I can. I’ll seduce, flirt, cuddle, trick, bargain, plead, beg, pout, and pressure until I get my satisfaction. I know many people would also say, “Damn it Mike, put that thing away! She’s got a hurt back!” Well, true, but I didn’t cause that, and I still have my own needs. Believe it or not, masturbation gets old. And there are times when the fantasies don’t stay in focus long enough to get the job done. Women may not get this, because they fantasize about entire scenarios including clothes, decorations, smells, etc. But a guy’s hand doesn’t feel especially sexy by itself. And any attempt at imagining the smells in the room or the type of fabric on her dress will only distract from the mentally generated fantasy of the physical sensation. Luckily for me, Nina knows just how much of a freak I am (or at least 80%) and has learned to cope. This is one addiction I’ll probably never conquer. And why on Earth would I?


· BLOGGING – Ever since I’ve had to adjust my Internet habits at work I’ve been going through some serious withdrawal symptoms. I can’t write posts. I’ve had to empower Grace to publish my posts that I email to her from Microsoft Word. I can’t read any blogs except when I get home, which I can’t do because I have company over and at least for the next couple days I’ll be in entertain mode. I wanted to write a post last night, but I just couldn’t get my hands to work with my brain to get it out. It’s like if I’m not at my desk, I can’t get it done. And it’s fucking killing me. I’m like a housewife who’s lost cable and can’t see her “stories”. Except that I’m a professional male, and I don’t sit at home watching television only to bitch nonstop about how difficult it is being a homemaker in the retarded effort to keep people from realizing I’ve got it made. Otherwise, very similar.


· BEING RIGHT – This is part of the whole narcissism thing I got from my father. I try to tone it down whenever I realize I’m doing it, but I have this utter addition to debating my point until it is accepted or utterly defeated. I guess it’s not so much that I want to be right as I would want the people around me to point out the flaws in my logic and deductive reasoning so that I can make more informed, intelligent decisions. So that’s what I do for others, and yes I realize that it can be very annoying. It’s probably a reason I have so few friends. That, plus everyone around me is a fucking retard that lack the mental capacity for double knotting.


· COFFEE – There’s no use denying it, I am a coffee addict. I can’t function without it. And it’s not just the caffeine. I could just suck back a couple of Pepsis in the morning for that. But I need my coffee. I need to smell the grounds brewing, hear the suction of the machine, carefully monitor my pour to just the right level, relish in my ritual of adding cream and sweetener, and, with anxious anticipation, savor that first sip of the hot liquid running down my throat. Damn that last part sounded a little seamy. But sometimes, the coffee is actually better than sex. And when you add brewing time, it usually lasts a lot longer too.


· SEDATION – I was trying to figure out if I was addicted cigarettes or drugs or alcohol, and it occurred to me that, more than anything, I’m addicted to sedation. I don’t care where I get it from, I just love taking chemicals into my body that will cause me to slow down my motor functions and stop thinking so damned much. Miller, Absolute, Marlboro, Cannabis, and Vicoden are just a few of the friends I’ve had in my 28.63 years who have helped me in this pursuit. And when more than one of them shows up at the same time, the world is just a better place. I don’t know if true addicts would agree that I have a solid addiction because I haven’t flipped my car, sold my television, or given head to a businessman in the subway bathroom, but it’s probably still worth adding. I’m sober most days of the week, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t crave that sweet release from the world I live in every day, if only for an hour or so.

Wow, I’m one heavily addicted fella. I’ve got vices out the yin yang. I don’t think any of them are very destructive at this point, and I have been able to exercise control over them. Except for sex. But I don’t really care about that. As far as I’m concerned, when I die I want people to say, “Mike…what a perverted, horny, tail-chasing, tent-poled, pussy monger. I’m really gonna miss him.”