Just Off Center

HERE'S YOUR EFFING NEW POST YOU WHINY TWATS!!!!

Actually, I have been really missing my normal lifestyle. But these business trips are a great way for me to get back to the front lines and really take an interest in the work we do as a company, and not just sit back and meet my minimum criteria. I really shine in the field. It may sound arrogant, but we all know that there are certain times and places that we consistently show up with our "A" game. Even though I spent most of today doing mindless, soul-sapping data entry to prep a new database, I still feel really good about the day.

Here are the highlights:

• I've been in Arizona for about six years now. I actually look forward to feeling those hot summer days wrapping around me like a heat blanket. I love the desert and it's dead mountains. Except now I'm back in Indiana. North Indiana. North Indiana near Chicago. North Indiana near Chicago in the middle of December. It's snowing here. While you arctic types may say "Mike, you're a big pussy!" the rest of my temperate mammal friends understand what I mean. And I don't mean little flurry snow. I'm talking like the shit that makes the headline news before you leave for work. I'm hoping that it piles up against the fourth floor of my Amerisuites room so that I can slide down it to the car. WEEEEE!!!
  
  
• The elevator at this hotel is a peculiar thing. First, there are two of them and only one is operational. Yet there is no sign up to suggest otherwise. Second, it makes scary sounds. It's creaking and popping, and occasionally some buzzer starts going off in the background. But most odd is the sign right next to the elevator telling me that in case of fire use the stairs. There are no directions to the stairs. They should be by the elevator. They're not. And the little stick figure going down the stairwell looks like he's doing a jig. The big, Mario type flame on the floor above the stairs looks as though it might have actually been started by this guy. The stick figure man is an arsonist. Only I know this. Such is my curse.
  
  
• I have been without regular food for three days. I love going out to eat. But three squares a day? I just want some chicken breast and green beans. Nina, I miss you.......('re cooking). So in an attempt to return to normalcy, I decided to take a trip to the local grocer for some staples. This was about an hour ago, after having a friendly meeting with the CEO and two other guys. As I was driving a saw the Cap n' Cork liquor store and thought that it would be so impressively ballsy if I got some beer and called my CEO asking him if he wanted some. I got a 12-pack of Red Stripe (Don't worry Nina. It was on sale and it'll go on my expense account). I skipped the grocer, because I didn't want him going to bed on me and I got back to my room. Long story. Needs another bullet.
  
  
• I stood there with my hand over the phone like I did when I was contemplating calling some girl to ask out on a date. I just froze up. Are you disappointed in me? You shouldn't be because I called him anyway. I told him (most nervous and hurriedly) that I had beer and asked if he wanted one. He thanked me and told me that he was on the phone with his wife. I hung up and wondered if I had just sounded like a total jackass. But he's a beer drinker and down-to-earth guy. I bet he'll just pass it off as the low man trying to spot a window. But it still felt like the girl had just said "thanks, but I heard that dick who beats you up every day was going to ask me out, so I'm just going to wait for him. Bye."
  
  
• I'm great with women in their thirties and older. At least as far as work is concerned. Whenever they send me on these assignments, I just charm and charm and charm. It may be hard to imagine this because you already know me. But at a new site, with new people, and a renewed sense of professional purpose, I'm a goddamned lady killer. And face it, if you have the ladies you have the world. On a related topic I'm getting much better at traditional male bonding in work environments. The alphas still see through me, but the rest of the guys see me as...well...one of the guys. I rule!
  
  
• I miss my wife. I just read her recent posts about being all stressed out, and every word of it is the truth. She's getting pretty good at painting a mental picture with words. She's been a stress case lately. I probably am too. We have been snippy. Not really fighting or anything. Just...snippy. Being away from her is good for my career in a way. At the end of the day I have nothing but my work. I don't have anyone that I want to hang out with or tell anything to. At home I may not say much, but work is left at work and home time is home time. Here I'm all professional. I love her like a subatomic particle loves uncertainty. But...well that's good enough as it is. I'll be home soon enough and her presence is the air I breathe. Blech!
  
  
• I miss Grace too. I talk to Grace over IM most days of the week, sometimes for a while. Aside from Nina, she's basically my best friend. You all know how much she rocks. We talk about big things and little things, but mostly insignificant, stupid things. I've never been friends with a woman I didn't want physically. It's strange for me. Even if I did, I wouldn't bother. I'm pretty sure Steve lives in some bizarro world where there are 36 hours in every day and everything just gets done perfectly the first time. I hate him for that. O.K. I don't hate him. And I hate him for that too. Argh. Anyway, I miss you too, Gracie. May I call you Gracie? How about Chingoo? Fine, Hobag it is then.
  
  
• On trips like this, I find myself listening to Coldplay's Parachutes more often than anything. It's not a tradition. It just puts me at ease and makes me feel like everything is alright even though I'm not at home. All day long I have to seem like I love this travel more than life itself. But to balance out my normal feelings of homesickness, Coldplay just gives me all I need. Actually, I think it just brings out a part of me that feels at home anywhere, a kind of peace with humanity sort of thing. I wonder why I haven't met anyone with the basic same feeling about the absolute beauty of our bumbling species.
  
  

That's enough for now. So quit griping about me not posting anything lately. I'll post when I'm goddamned good and ready. You don't decide anything about my life! Quit bitching about my post frequency!!!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was out of line. Don't go away. *sigh* I am a very pathetic man. I can't even e-cuss people I've never met. Don't look at me! I'm going to bed.