Just Off Center

After just arriving to work this morning I was able to read all of the posts written by Grace, Nina, Mel, and even a post left on my blog regarding this weekend. And while it's true that a good time was had by all, I feel that it is my e-duty to inform everyone that the truth of this weekend was far more incredible than the fiction. Here's how it all went down.

Nina and I arrived in Orange County Saturday morning only to discover that O.C. and Los Angeles are two different places. Disappointed, Nina and I decided to go to Las Vegas instead. Just before take-off I received a phone call from a woman who I thought had to be a drunken, swearing Connie Chung. After telling her that all three of her last news shows were boring and berating her for claiming sexism on part of the CBS execs I was assured that I was merely speaking with Grace. Since I was already in the area, they had bought beer, and I was promised that the kim chee wouldn't make it I decided to drop by. We ordered the captain to stop taxiing and return us to the terminal. He did us one better by dropping us off at baggage claim.

After a modest ten minute wait, Grace arrived to pick us up in what appeared to be an F-22 cockpit with wheels. Nina sat in the front. I held onto the roof. Three miles and seventeen lane changes later we got to Grace and Steve's beautiful home. Prior to our arrival Grace had been commenting on how small their condo was. Grace had been lying. This 3,200 square foot palace sat just a stone's throw from the beach and sported five bedrooms, three baths, two kitchens, a full bar, two game rooms, a spa, and a wrestling ring. After leading us down the hallway to the sixth door on the left, Nina and I were able to drop off our duffels on the oversized, pillowtop, king bed they had made up for us with silk sheets and a floor-length down comforter.

As we were unpacking, Grace was standing just outside our room giving us the rules of the house:

1. No discussing politics
2. No discussing religion
3. No discussing Quantum Physics
   
4. No clothes
   

Just as she was finishing that list we heard the thud of a door closing in the distance and quick footsteps down the hall. Suddenly a man's fist flew from the other side of our bedroom wall, smashing Grace in the jaw and sending her flying. Then an enormous, booming voice bellowed "Honey, I asked you to wait until I was ready to welcome our guests. Oh, you left some teeth over there." It was very nice to meet Steve, despite the discomfort Nina felt about his third arm.

After doing the obligatory brunch and beach walk, we went to an arcade where Grace and Nina played Area 51 while Steve and I braided each others' hair. Grace is a good shot. She was even kind enough to kill all of the aliens on Nina's side of the screen while my wife went into seizures from all the flashing lights. After spending about twenty dollars on mindless fun we took our tickets to the counter and got some Pixie Sticks, bouncy balls, and a Chinese finger trap. I tell you, those Chinamen really know how to torture a guy. I still can't get the damn thing off, which might account for my poor level of play at Halo 2.

Later we went to a liquor store where they had a wine tasting bar. For $0.75 per taste you could pour your own wine and sample to your liver's content. The honor's system is something I've never really been comfortable with. So I helped myself to several tastings at a time. I guess you could call them glasses instead of tastes if you wanted to be picky. But I paid $0.75 for each, so the staff must have agreed with me...or weren't paying attention. Nina made a fabulous discovery: single serving vodka shots...you know, for the road. Stocking stuffer fo sho!

The rest of the night and the Halo 2 party went pretty much like you read below, except for Grace kicking all the guys' asses. That never happened.

The next morning Grace and I went out for breakfast while Steve went to church and Nina stayed behind asking herself that eternal post-party question: why does my head weigh fifty pounds? After a few more hours of me rocking out on Halo 2 we met up at a downtown LBC bar with Jason, an Air Force buddy, and his confusingly devoted wife, Maria. A few six dollar pints later I was carrying Nina over my shoulder back to Grace's microvan and it occurred to us that we should meet up with Mel since she lives in Long Beach anyway. So we went to the Rock Bottom Brewery and waited for Mel to show up while laughing as a three foot cockroach tossed Grace up and down the street.

Mel showed up while Grace and I were on the street corner "working". Mel is a very attractive little lady. If Mel were a man she'd look like this man. And he's fucking HOT! She hugged Grace and asked who the hefty guy standing next to her was. I tried to give her a hug, but she peppered me down and left me for dead. After regaining my composure I rejoined the group where Nina was asleep and Steve and Grace did the Macarena on the table while Mel was shoving dollar bills in their pants. After a long conversation about how creepy it is actually meeting blogger buddies in person Grace loudly told Mel she could relate to her "Incestuous Amplification" title because she likes having sex with all of her uncles. The uncle-aged men at the next table seemed pleased by this.

After saying goodbye to Mel we drove back to the estate where the four of us passed out on top of each other in the foyer like a pile of Twister casualties. Steve woke up first, got pimped up for work and dragged Grace by to work by the hair. Nina and I used the opportunity to christen every room on the house. Having felt bad about all of the stains, Nina suggested we go buy some flowers and a card for them, hoping to divert their attention long enough to get the fuck out of dodge. It worked like a charm. Grace placed her flowers in her best crystal vase and introduced Nina to some of her Nintendo Game Cube games. By the time we got home that night I became the owner of a new Game Cube. We didn't need that second car anyway. Steve finally got home in time to drive us to the airport, but not before pounding back a sixer of Guinness and falling down the stairs. It's ok, Nina broke his fall.

Three miles and 46 seconds later they dropped us off at the airport. Nina and Grace burst into tears as Steve and I shook hands awkwardly wondering if I should just give Grace my plane ticket and cut to the happily ever after. But then Grace remembered that it was her anniversary and she hadn't had a chance to do that doggy style/cop thing again with Steve yet. So Nina and I hopped onto our cramped puddle jumper and made our way back home.

All in all a great time was had by all. I would say that I'd never forget the trip, but most of it I can't remember anyway. So there's the true O.C. story of our trip. Forget the watered down versions you've read on other blogs. This is the real deal beyotch!