Monday, November 29, 2004
Thanksgiving by the numbers
I suppose I could spend this morning droning on and on about how nice it is to get together with family and friends over a plate of turkey on Thanksgiving. And, in fact, it was a very nice, family centered holiday this year. But I'm sure that I can read all about the great reminiscing of other bloggers across the blogiverse. Instead I thought I might break down the cold hard numbers that made up my Thanksgiving weekend.
Wednesday morning, way before the dawn, Nina and I embarked on a trek across the country to visit my mother, her fiance, my brother, his family, my sister, and my grandmother. Oh, and I was supposed to spend a few hours visiting with my dad and his father too at some point. Here are the stats:
0 - arguments with siblings over politics or religion
0 - number of times I got to nail Nina on the living room floor like after our first date
1 - broken airplane
2 - gate we used to finally fly out of the Detroit airport (see 75)
3 - turkeys consumed
3 - nieces who didn't recognize their uncle Mike
4 - average number of bags most women brought on board the planes
4 - games of Skip-Bo played during 3:30 layover in Detroit
5 - number of airplanes boarded over the weekend
5 - hour in the A.M. we got up for the day after Thanksgiving sales
6 - children of 1st cousins I didn't know existed
7 - hours spent shopping the day after Thanksgiving
8 - dumps taken over the course of the trip
9 - beers consumed with future step-father, Gordon, within three hours of arrival
10 - people crammed into my mother's 3 bedroom house
11 - total hours of REM sleep achieved in my old full-sized bed
12 - crying fits by my 3 year old niece
13 - pounds gained collectively through the house
14 - times I had to stop myself before letting a cuss word come out in front of my mother
15 - times a guy on the phone in the airport bathroom stuttered like Foghorn Leghorn
23 - Christmas presents brought by us for our various family members
47 -minutes spent in line for checkout at Kohl's
74 - percent of those presents already opened
75 - gate at Detroit airport we initially boarded before the plane broke
92 - minutes late we were arriving abck in Phoenix
Wow, this was a really eventful weekend! I'll leave the details to your imagination and Nina's expounding. All told, I had a really nice time. I got to see my family, an experience that is becoming increasingly more pleasant with age. I got to play with my nieces, confirm that my brother is a scared shitless conservative over-devout putz (but a good father and pleasant man), hug my mom several times, and catch up with cousins I hadn't seen in many years. I hope all of you had a very nice and refreshing Thanksgiving weekend.
Now back to your regularly scheduled angst.
Has there been an outbreak of some horrid pestilence at the baggage claims across America? Is that why travelers are doing whatever they can to avoid having to check a bag? Is that why I have to watch these over-indulged, self-important women (and yes, they are mostly women) try to get onto airplanes with a suitcase they can't lift, their twenty pound makeup bag, a sack of whatnot, and a duffle bag they insist is a purse? I think that if you want to use the overhead bin above somebody else's seat you should be forced to give oral sex to that person during take-off and again on the landing. Otherwise, check your fucking luggage and board the aircraft by the rules like everyone else, you arrogant cunt! In the coming weeks I will be circulating my "Head for Overhead" petition.
Yes, I did in fact brave the pre-dawn day-after-Thanksgiving sales. In fact, it was my idea. And I have to say that it was everything I was hoping it would be: a deluge of overfed Indiana mothers and grandmothers filing into general stores, bumping into each other, fighting for that last squishy pillow at 50% off, and showing the true nature of the spirit of Christmas. How could I possible enjoy this? Simply put, I'm a man, and most women think twice about getting combative with a man. When they bump into me they apologize. They ask for my "male perspective" on certain gifts. And they hold my place in line if I want to step out for any reason. Some ho got curt with Nina in the shoe section. If I had been there, that would never have happened. That's why it's fun.
Mom bugged me about having kids again. This time she threw out "you'll never know that love you feel when you hold your own child for the first time". Thanks, mom. In point of fact, I'm counting on that. Just because I won't know what it's like to snuggle my own child doesn't mean I won't know love. What about my wife? What about the rest of my family? And what's the big fucking deal about feeling intense love of child anyway? Thanks, but I'll do without. Not that she'll ever leave me alone about it, so I need to hunker down and come up with some good long-term defenses against this nag. I mean nearly every one of those bitches at the stores on Friday had kids, and the whole lot of them were fucking miserable wretches. Is that the love you were speaking of?
Case in point. When we gave our presents to our nieces, the oldest got upset because she only got one gift. Even though it was a kick ass make-up set (her 1st make up kit period) that Nina originally got for herself she was still disappointed. How do you tell a little kid to kiss your ass and then take the present back? That's why I don't want one of these little fuckers for myself. It puts you in a position where you have to tolerate people acting like shitheads with a smile just because they're young (and/or not your kid to beat in the first place). But I still love my nieces. They're really good kids, and that's the whole point.
Happy fucking holidays.
Wednesday morning, way before the dawn, Nina and I embarked on a trek across the country to visit my mother, her fiance, my brother, his family, my sister, and my grandmother. Oh, and I was supposed to spend a few hours visiting with my dad and his father too at some point. Here are the stats:
0 - arguments with siblings over politics or religion
0 - number of times I got to nail Nina on the living room floor like after our first date
1 - broken airplane
2 - gate we used to finally fly out of the Detroit airport (see 75)
3 - turkeys consumed
3 - nieces who didn't recognize their uncle Mike
4 - average number of bags most women brought on board the planes
4 - games of Skip-Bo played during 3:30 layover in Detroit
5 - number of airplanes boarded over the weekend
5 - hour in the A.M. we got up for the day after Thanksgiving sales
6 - children of 1st cousins I didn't know existed
7 - hours spent shopping the day after Thanksgiving
8 - dumps taken over the course of the trip
9 - beers consumed with future step-father, Gordon, within three hours of arrival
10 - people crammed into my mother's 3 bedroom house
11 - total hours of REM sleep achieved in my old full-sized bed
12 - crying fits by my 3 year old niece
13 - pounds gained collectively through the house
14 - times I had to stop myself before letting a cuss word come out in front of my mother
15 - times a guy on the phone in the airport bathroom stuttered like Foghorn Leghorn
23 - Christmas presents brought by us for our various family members
47 -minutes spent in line for checkout at Kohl's
74 - percent of those presents already opened
75 - gate at Detroit airport we initially boarded before the plane broke
92 - minutes late we were arriving abck in Phoenix
Wow, this was a really eventful weekend! I'll leave the details to your imagination and Nina's expounding. All told, I had a really nice time. I got to see my family, an experience that is becoming increasingly more pleasant with age. I got to play with my nieces, confirm that my brother is a scared shitless conservative over-devout putz (but a good father and pleasant man), hug my mom several times, and catch up with cousins I hadn't seen in many years. I hope all of you had a very nice and refreshing Thanksgiving weekend.
Now back to your regularly scheduled angst.
Has there been an outbreak of some horrid pestilence at the baggage claims across America? Is that why travelers are doing whatever they can to avoid having to check a bag? Is that why I have to watch these over-indulged, self-important women (and yes, they are mostly women) try to get onto airplanes with a suitcase they can't lift, their twenty pound makeup bag, a sack of whatnot, and a duffle bag they insist is a purse? I think that if you want to use the overhead bin above somebody else's seat you should be forced to give oral sex to that person during take-off and again on the landing. Otherwise, check your fucking luggage and board the aircraft by the rules like everyone else, you arrogant cunt! In the coming weeks I will be circulating my "Head for Overhead" petition.
Yes, I did in fact brave the pre-dawn day-after-Thanksgiving sales. In fact, it was my idea. And I have to say that it was everything I was hoping it would be: a deluge of overfed Indiana mothers and grandmothers filing into general stores, bumping into each other, fighting for that last squishy pillow at 50% off, and showing the true nature of the spirit of Christmas. How could I possible enjoy this? Simply put, I'm a man, and most women think twice about getting combative with a man. When they bump into me they apologize. They ask for my "male perspective" on certain gifts. And they hold my place in line if I want to step out for any reason. Some ho got curt with Nina in the shoe section. If I had been there, that would never have happened. That's why it's fun.
Mom bugged me about having kids again. This time she threw out "you'll never know that love you feel when you hold your own child for the first time". Thanks, mom. In point of fact, I'm counting on that. Just because I won't know what it's like to snuggle my own child doesn't mean I won't know love. What about my wife? What about the rest of my family? And what's the big fucking deal about feeling intense love of child anyway? Thanks, but I'll do without. Not that she'll ever leave me alone about it, so I need to hunker down and come up with some good long-term defenses against this nag. I mean nearly every one of those bitches at the stores on Friday had kids, and the whole lot of them were fucking miserable wretches. Is that the love you were speaking of?
Case in point. When we gave our presents to our nieces, the oldest got upset because she only got one gift. Even though it was a kick ass make-up set (her 1st make up kit period) that Nina originally got for herself she was still disappointed. How do you tell a little kid to kiss your ass and then take the present back? That's why I don't want one of these little fuckers for myself. It puts you in a position where you have to tolerate people acting like shitheads with a smile just because they're young (and/or not your kid to beat in the first place). But I still love my nieces. They're really good kids, and that's the whole point.
Happy fucking holidays.
Comments:
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what an ingrate.
god. i'm so hating kids right now. this child was screaming for HOURS on the plane ride home today.
by the way, i only had a carry-on that weighed 7 kgs and a small backpack. for 9, 10 days. don't clump me in that category of chicks! :P
god. i'm so hating kids right now. this child was screaming for HOURS on the plane ride home today.
by the way, i only had a carry-on that weighed 7 kgs and a small backpack. for 9, 10 days. don't clump me in that category of chicks! :P
My makeup bag weighs only 17 lbs. - thank you very much :P People are insane when shopping in a sale - it's ludicrous!
I like kids, but I hate tolerating them. You're so right... they are total little shits. I hate bad parents :P
I like kids, but I hate tolerating them. You're so right... they are total little shits. I hate bad parents :P
As a First-Rate, World-Class Professional in Good Parenting Skills, I recommend the following techniques to ensure the Perfect Angels Of Your Womb And Seed are always well-behaved. I offer this advice to any non-parents out there who may be considering offspring.
Rule #1.
Beat your children into submission in private. The same bitch that gave you a dirty look for spanking your kids ass was also the one who squawked when he shoved the cart over the heel of her shoe after you repeatedly and loudly told him to quit his shit.
Rule #2.
Always use foul language when you are really angry. Nothing says pissed off like..."I swear to GOD I am going to beat your ASS if you don't quit your SHIT!" The kid is so startled to hear the S word that he forgets to be a demon for a few minutes.
Rule #3.
Confining your child to small dark spaces is not really child abuse if there are bedroom implements within that space. For instance, a closet-sized bedroom is NOT a closet. A child may be confined to said space for periods as long as two hours before the term neglect becomes operative. 1 hour and 59 mins usually does the trick.
Rule #4.
Threats work well. Review Rule #2 or just say something like..."IF YOU DONT SHUT UP YOUR ASS IS MINE."
Rule #5.
Sedating your kids is not wrong. Why else do they sell that shit over the counter?
Rule #6.
When I was a kid and all my friends were kids and my sister was a kid too, we never acted like little shits. We were always quiet and respectful and well-behaved. We never cried. We never begged. We never irritated anyone. Children of the world today SHOULD and WILL live up to these perfectly realistic expectations. This means...someday robots will rule the earth so set your standards high for your kids so that they may comfortably assimilate when the time comes.
And finally, your kid is NEVER as bad as the other brats out there.
Rule #1.
Beat your children into submission in private. The same bitch that gave you a dirty look for spanking your kids ass was also the one who squawked when he shoved the cart over the heel of her shoe after you repeatedly and loudly told him to quit his shit.
Rule #2.
Always use foul language when you are really angry. Nothing says pissed off like..."I swear to GOD I am going to beat your ASS if you don't quit your SHIT!" The kid is so startled to hear the S word that he forgets to be a demon for a few minutes.
Rule #3.
Confining your child to small dark spaces is not really child abuse if there are bedroom implements within that space. For instance, a closet-sized bedroom is NOT a closet. A child may be confined to said space for periods as long as two hours before the term neglect becomes operative. 1 hour and 59 mins usually does the trick.
Rule #4.
Threats work well. Review Rule #2 or just say something like..."IF YOU DONT SHUT UP YOUR ASS IS MINE."
Rule #5.
Sedating your kids is not wrong. Why else do they sell that shit over the counter?
Rule #6.
When I was a kid and all my friends were kids and my sister was a kid too, we never acted like little shits. We were always quiet and respectful and well-behaved. We never cried. We never begged. We never irritated anyone. Children of the world today SHOULD and WILL live up to these perfectly realistic expectations. This means...someday robots will rule the earth so set your standards high for your kids so that they may comfortably assimilate when the time comes.
And finally, your kid is NEVER as bad as the other brats out there.
i cannot deal with the post-thanksgiving shopping. i don't care how much $$ you can save. the aggravation is just too much.
you know, every time we see some skater punk or some goth teen, my boyfriend says, that's one reason not to have kids.
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you know, every time we see some skater punk or some goth teen, my boyfriend says, that's one reason not to have kids.
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