Just Off Center

I feel great this morning. No I didn't get laid, despite my numerous attempts. But I got the next best thing...sleep, and lots of it. After work I stopped by a local used video game store and picked up Pikmin 2 for Nina. She had a great time with it at Grace's. I brought it home and dinner was literally already on the table. Sweet! Thanks honey! After dinner Nina started playing and I crashed out on the couch until 11:30 PM. I woke up feeling better but it was still late and I hadn't gotten that much sleep, so after about an hour of trying to help Nina with a part she was stuck in I went to bed. Nina came to bed at about 2:30 AM with Pikmin on the brain. She was still jittery. I told her that she was either going to have to put out or let me sleep. She chose the latter.

Now this morning I feel rested and ready for anything. And even though everyone at work seems hell bent on making this a miserable day, they can't break my shield of sunshiny glee. As I was driving to work this morning I was listening to the radio and heard some DJ trying to talk this hot chick into getting busy with another girl before he'd give an extra ticket to some show to her goofy ass lanky best guy friend. She wouldn't do it! Some pal, huh? I would think that a little hot girl-on-girl action would be its own reward. Hot girls are just plain mean. And then it occurred to me. How much of my own self esteem in those awkward teens and early twenties were derived from all of the quality pussy I could land? Probably a majority. Hell, I have to give Nina's ass all the credit for me getting this job in the first place.

With the continuing pussification of American men in full effect, I feel that there is some degree of damage being caused by the modern woman. I truly believe in equality between men and women, or at least as much equality as our gender differences will allow. As women have gotten progressively more liberties and freedoms in this country men have had to suck it up and allow them into our ranks, our clubs, and our higher regards. Unfortunately, many men do not seek out a partner who is his perfect equal. And, to be fair, most women want a man who is somewhat more mature, established, intelligent, funny, and in control than she is. There's the equality problem. I believe it's the main reason women date older men and men date younger women. And since the better men get all the best women, most boys grow up with a preconceived notion that women will not find them attractive, thereby developing low self-esteem and self perpetuating their own loserhood.

All that aside, it has come to my attention that women haven't really given back any level of their newfound selves and self-respect to us. If a man are going to have to work well with women, yet retain dignity and desirability, he is going to have to gain that self respect in those formative years. And since that esteem is forged best through the bedding of beautiful women I am proposing a new holiday in America. From this day on, the third Thursday in November will be National Get-A-Geek-Off Day, or G.A.G.O.. It's a day where women in their twenties and thirties, maybe the better looking forty-somethings seek out a potentially great, but currently unfortunate boy between the ages of sixteen and twenty for the purpose of esteem development. And by esteem development I mean at least two hours of sucking, fucking, and fondling.

Ladies, here's what you do. During your lunch hour today, leave the office and visit any of the following establishments: a comic book store, a video game store, a Denny's, the shitty mall, or just look around your office building or neighborhood. Approach a pock-faced, disproportioned kid as seductively as you can, extra points for lip-licking, and ask him at least three of these questions:

1. When the sidekick Robin split away from Batman and became an independent superhero what did he change his name to? A: Nightwing
2. What are the call letters for the starship enterprise in ST:TNG? A: NCC-1701-D
3. Who is going to be on TRL today? A: I don't know (if they do know they are instantly disqualified)
4. Which of these is not an acne medication: Benzoyl Peroxide, Miconazole Nitrate, Salicylic Acid, Erythromycin. A: Miconazole Nitrate
5. What are Pamela Anderson's measurements? A: 36-22-34

If they get two out of three correct then you have found your charity case. Next you ask him if he'd allow you the opportunity to maka da sweet sweet love at the nearby Holiday Inn. Now, here's a very important point. He's just a young buck and probably slaving away for minimum wage. But he still has to pay for everything. This is an attempt at breaking him into the world of gender equality, but there are still some traditional sexual roles he will have to accept in his manhood. Then you pick him up, turn him into a man, and drop him off. No real names, no phone number exchanges, no second visits. And don't forget a whole lot of condoms. Boys that age take only seconds to reload.

You have to understand the logic behind this new holiday. Once you have implanted such an ego boosting memory into the mind and heart of a young man, he'll be much more likely to have the nerve to ask that classmate to prom. He'll be surer of himself when asking for a raise or interviewing for colleges. He'll become more socially active and take more of an active interest in getting into a woman's mind as well as her pants. In essence, you will be planting the seed of a strong, confident, respectable man. And in the end, it is the women who will have a greater percentage of loving partners to choose from. It's a win-win situation. This power is going all but unused right now, and that's just a sin.

So women of America, your duty is clear. If you shirk your responsibilities to the greasy, timid male youth of this nation, you have only yourself to blame for the continued oppression of your gender. And I don't want to hear any excuses: I'm married, I'm too busy, I'm not that kind of girl, that's statutory rape. How many times have you consented to sex solely because you were tired of hearing your boyfriend whine about it? You haven't a leg to stand on, but you have two to point heavenward. I leave it, quite literally, in your hands.