Just Off Center

At my workplace I have to deal with literally hundreds of people every week. I work in a fairly large plant and have to do a lot of walking around so that I can get to the various labs where the engineers, technicians, program heads, etc. work. This means I see a lot of other people roaming about the halls going from room to room. The main difference between this building and others I've worked at is that this one is only two stories and is exceptionally long, with each smaller building connected by one large corridor running the length of the entire plant. Walking this corridor every day, I have to interact with everyone else trying to get from one part of the plant to another, and I can see them coming 100 yards away.

Most of the people I see are just ordinary tech geeks and disaffected middle managers. I smile and say hello and go on past. But there are those others that are occasionally wandering about that I wish I never had to see. I'm talking about specific people who for whatever reason make me uncomfortable. Most people have this problem I bet. I know that some women at work get really creeped out by certain men speaking to them. Some people get nervous around certain races. My creeps are a bit more specific and unique in their creepiness. Since I try not to get to know these people I'll just list them off as I know them.

FRUITY GAY GUY WITH FRUITY GAY SMILE - About halfway down the main corridor is an administrative section. There are always ugly, fat women buzzing around and discussing their stupid fucking kids and how many calories are in a pat of butter. But there's this one tall guy about my age who is occasionally sauntering around who just creeps me out. He's about 6'2" with salt and pepper hair. He walks like he's gay. He smiles like he's gay. His voice sounds like a pussy fart. And he's always giving me this really disconcerting, cutesy grin as he mouths the word "hello" to me. I try to grab my cell phone and make like I'm talking to my wife whenever I see him. I don't have a problem with gays, and I take it as a compliment when a gay guy acts flirty with me. But this guy creeps the fuck out of me. If I was gay, I'd still be creeped out.

SKELETOR THE SECRETARY - I'm sure she's a very nice person. I'm sure she's great at her job. I'll bet she volunteers at homeless shelters and shit. But this woman is a walking reminder of my own mortality. She looks like something out of a zombie flick or one of the victim's of God's wrath in an Indiana Jones film. She's in her late fifties at least, about 5'8", thin curly hair, slight build, and apparently no upper lip. Either that or her horse-like maw cannot be fully concealed by her mouth's flesh. She's always bug eyed and her face is sunken in. She's that woman that guys reference in the "for a million dollars would you..." discussion. I see this chick coming and I try and smile at her. I think she smiles back, but you can never really tell since her face is always such that the fronts of her molars are in plain view. Her existence bothers me.

CONGINITAL LIMB DEFECT MAN - Some of you may think me an ogre for this one, but every time I see this guy coming (which he is every fucking time I leave the office) I just say "GOD DAMNIT!!!" in my head. He's a short, German fellow in his forties. Aside from his height he looks pretty normal. Oh yeah, except for the fact that both of his arms are the size of an infant's. I know it's not his fault, but I just don't want to see this guy coming toward me with his little, gnarled nubs. I didn't make him like that and I'm not standing in the hall shouting, "HEY STUMPY, SHOW ME HOW YOU WIPE YOUR ASS!" I just lower my head or look out a window. He does the same. And this guy is always near me. If I go to the bathroom, he's there. If I'm in the hall, so is he. If he ever comes into my office, I'm resigning. Call me a prick, but this guy freaks me out the same way I'd be freaked if I worked by a man who simply didn't have a face.

PRINCESS BUTTERFACE - There's another secretary here who is just the very definition of butterface. Especially for her age (approx. 45) she is just smokin' hot. She always wears tight, boot cut jeans and a nice top. She wears thin-heeled boots and walks like there's a camera crew behind her. But old girls is looking a bit haggard topside. That's putting it mildly. She actually looks like Deputy Dog in the face. It's as if someone took a rake, smacked it into her forehead and started violently jerking it downward. Droopy cheeks, baggy eyes, etc. It's just a fucking tragedy. She would win Howard Stern's Butterface Competition in five seconds. And somehow, with all this unfortunate head going on, she still finds it in her heart to avoid making eye contact with any non-gorgeous men. I can respect a healthy self-esteem, but damn people, know your limitations.

I'm sure I could think of more. I just got to work half an hour ago, so I haven't had the opportunity to run into any other freakshows, bitches, crazies, or weirdos. But they're out there. And I know they're everywhere, not just where I work. At every job I've ever had there have been those people who just gave me the creeps at first sight, so there's no use asking for a transfer. I'm just going to have to accept these things and try to have some perspective. Except about the little-arms guy...*shudder*.