Just Off Center

Hi everyone. I'm Marcia, Nina's mom. I just wanted to take a few minutes out of my day to explain why Nina is a mean and selfish bitch. You see, recent events have made me realize that despite all my proper rearing and my toiling for her benefit, that I'll never be able to prevent my child from being the evil person she's determined to be. I'm sure that you all have read her blog. She may seem like a sweet, fun and smart little lady. But take it from me. She's more likely to stab you through the heart then shake your hand. And since you all seem to know her, I'm sure you'll listen with an open mind.

About two months ago, Nina was complaining (as she always does) about how she doesn't have any money for groceries or the mortgage and all. She said that she needed to get a job, something under the table so that she wouldn't get busted by her Long Term Disability people. I know. I know. I should have chastised her for trying to cheat the system. I should have told her to just stop lying about her back being hurt and take some responsibility for her life. But after 27 years of her abuse, I just don't have much fight left in me.

But, despite my girlfriend's constant pressure to just cut her loose and end the suffering, I decided to help her by coming up with some ideas for work for her. Then it occurred to me, all by myself without anybody's help. Nina could get a paper route! That way she can have something to eat. Her loser husband doesn't take care of her. I might as well try. So I had my girlfriend (why does it seem weird when I talk about my girlfriend?) take a really really easy route in her name and I fronted the deposit money to get her started. I've never mentioned the money again to her. I even went so far as to run the route by myself so that I could get used to it and be prepared to hand it off to her. But when the time came for Nina to step in and do the route with me she said "Why do I have to split the money with you? You're not even gay! I hate you" That really hurt my feelings because I am soo sooooo very gay. Even though I've been married three times, had countless affairs with men, never have sex with my girlfriends, and tend to only date women who prefer to be referred to as men, I am sooooo gay.

But I explained to Nina, as calmly as I could, that equal work deserved equal pay. She just grunted, farted in my foyer, and walked out. Why is she so mean to me? Everything I say is the truth, I swear. I never lie about anything. And I drink myself into a stupor every night because my knuckles hurt. I am the victim here people, and I deserve your pity.

Anyway, last night, Nina and I were driving along on a route that I told her she shouldn't take because it's too hard. And for four hours straight she screamed at me. It was all "where do I turn" this, and "did I just pass the house" that. I tell you it was all I had to keep from breaking down and crying. But I didn't. Whenever I cry, Nina punches me. But then I felt something welling up inside of me. And no, it wasn't my true heterosexuality or a pint of gin. It was this feeling that I don't have to sit here and take this abuse any further. So in the third hour of our route I screamed back at her. We exchanged verbal blows through the remaining two hours of the route, and I never even lost my place on the really really easy paper route guide. Damn I'm good!

Beat, but not beaten, I dropped Nina off at her house after the four and a half hour ordeal with a renewed sense of self. As Nina began her usual morning routine of climbing onto her roof to snipe school children with a paintball gun, I walked into my house and had a revelation:

I don't have to help my wicked daughter deliver these papers on this paper route that was all her idea and that I tried to talk her out of, and that I've been so patient and helpful with.

So after discussing it with my girlfriend (there's that word again...weird) I decided to call Nina's husband Michael, who is currently halfway across the country on business. I figured he'd be the perfect person to call since he has stated over and over again that he wants nothing to do with this paper route and the drama that goes on between Nina and me. I explained how mean she was to me. But he just remained silent and asked me why "the hell" I was calling him about it. Nina always did like to pick boys that are somewhat dumb and easy to manipulate. I don't know where she could have gotten that from. But I called him and told him that I would go with Nina to the paper place to wrap and stack the papers. I'd even load them into her car. But I just couldn't take another night of abuse like that. Especially since her chain smoking is what gave me my cancer in the first place.

I've just gotten off the phone with Nina to tell her my decision and I feel so refreshed. It's unfortunate that no matter how much love and structure you give, some children are just meant to be rotten. But I love her anyway. You can tell I love her because I never EVER left her for months on end with strangers while I went on drinking and drug binges when she was a child. That's love. I hope she finds a way to make it through the night without my calm and accurate guidance. Perhaps her husband can take over the route with her when he gets back. That would work out best for everyone. But knowing Nina, she'd probably just throw it back in my face (along with her brass knuckles) and make me feel like I was a bad mother again.

I think she does drugs too.