Just Off Center

After reading Little Eyes' post on needing extra money I had an epiphany. With the holiday season coming into full swing we could all use a little extra cash for that gift we want to buy for our families (or ourselves). So many of my readers are women, and beautiful women from what I can tell. And since most of you are so articulate and smart, you draw lots of male attention. You know, because men find intelligence to be the sexiest thing in the world. So forget about getting a second job or selling your jewelry. How about a 2005/2006 Girls of Blogger Calendar?

I'm serious here. It wouldn't be that difficult at all. Here's what we do. First we seek out a good photographer. Since blogging is such a phenomenon I'd be shocked if one of our readers isn't at least a photo hobbyist. Next, we start the selection phase. This is where each of you beauties sends me a small portfolio of recent photographs in various states of dress (and undress). Since I'm such a happily married man, you don't have to worry about any...unnatural treatment of your photos. Then the selection phase begins. In order to make this venture appeal to a larger audience we will have to shuffle in a couple of the more popular, woman-run, sex-based blog authors.

After selecting the twelve to fourteen lucky ladies, we fly our photographer to each of your respective towns for individual photo shoots. Since blogging is such a global activity, I find it sensible to shoot each of you in your personal habitats and climates. That way, you're real people, not just eye candy. Plus it will probably be cheaper in the long run. I would say that each of the ladies should put together their own shots, but that would eliminate a certain degree of my control over this situation, thus failing to boost my fragile ego. There's two ways to go here: my way or the highway. Now what's it gonna be Ms. Pink? Don't worry, my wardrobe selections will be fair, and I'll accept input from the wearer.

After we have the individual pics, we all get together somewhere on the Pacific coast. Since so many of you live in CA, you can decide where is the best place for the group shots. Then we take those oh-so-important "girls pressing up against each other while laughing and splashing around" snaps. And that's all you ladies need to do for the modeling phase. Did you catch that? From that point on you will all be able to say that you are models! How about them apples?

So then I will get together with a good (and cheap) printing company to assemble the calendar. On the side of each pic I'll include a brief bio with all the standard shit like name, age, location, measurements, blog URL, and a few Playboy style quotes. And within the calendar I'll mark key events that happen to each of you on certain days like birthdays and shit. But I'll also fold in more personal and fun stuff, like the date you broke up with your loser ex-boyfriend or experienced your first threeway. Sorry guys, but the words husband, fiance, wedding, anniversary, and monogamy will not be included. Remember your demographic. You're all sexy, single and ready!

After that it's just distribution and marketing. We divide the profits equally. Isn't that nice of me to waive my originator's fee for all of you? Then we can all get all the damn game systems we want with every conceivable option. It's rock solid. Hell, we'll make it an annual thing. We've got notoriety for the models, exposure for Blogger, and income for everyone. We can't lose!

I know it sounds hokey, but just picture it in your mind. You flip the calendar to January and there's Grace wearing a sexy secretary's outfit with the halfway unbuttoned top and miniskirt. She'll have on black, horn-rimmed glasses, because that's what sexy secretaries wear. I know Grace isn't a secretary, but that's hardly of consequence, is it? There she is at work with her blog on her computer screen, sitting legs crossed in a quasi-professional-come-fuck-me pose holding her finger to her lip in a "shhh" manner, to show she's using business time to post her dirty little thoughts and dreams. The caption below reads "Here Grace is, using company time for more enjoyable purposes again. She travels extensively around the world seeking fun and inspiration for her steamy posts. She might be coming to your town next!"

Flip to February and there's my wife...er...some hot chick I know named Nina. She sits on her plush, silk duvet wearing a pink lace teddy with a notebook between her thighs as she giggles, biting the side of her lower lip. The caption here reads "Nina can't think of many better activities to do in bed than writing about her exploits from her highrise loft bedroom. Can you think of anything to divert her attention?"

Not to bore our audience with a barrage of individual shots, we flip to March where we find Mel and Little Eyes sitting on a plush, leather sofa co-authoring a new post. They are wearing matching close fitting sleep shirts with Little Eyes sitting between Mel's legs, having her hair braided as they appear only partially interested in their notebook computer. Here we read "Mel and Little Eyes usually only post once per day. Are you curious what they'll do with the rest of their afternoon?"

And so it goes on through June 2005, shot after shot of sexy, adorable blogger girls. We have Quyen in a schoolboy's fantasy teacher's outfit with her viola, checking her pager as she receives another emailed comment on her blog. There's Veronica in her skimpiest runner's outfit stretching out by her PC in ways that probably wouldn't prep her for a run, but look damn fine. Cindy Lou bends over her kitchen island as she checks for updates. The sultry (and husbandless and childless) Cece sits with arched back in her desk chair biting the tip of her left pinky finger looking arousingly confused about how to update her blog template.

Whew. I need a drink.