Just Off Center

In my experience, at least regarding my own life, the recommended dosage of most things is not sufficient to complete a task. Too much is just right. But then "all things in moderation" has never been a motto that has applied to me. I use more shampoo and soap than needed. I speed on most roads. I eat large portions. When I was working at a Burger King in Indianapolis and had to mop I used to mix as many cleaning agents as I could handle in the mop bucket before adding water. I'd put in the little single use soap packet then add different cleaners, bleach, ammonia, etc. until the fumes were so strong I felt faint. The logic was that if just the vapors singed my nasal cavity, the actual liquid would strip any impurities off that floor.

I am so tired of hearing women say (and it is always women who say it) that they have ten times the threshold for pain that men have. They always cite birthing as the prime example. Well I'd love to put that one to a clinical trial. Unfortunately, men don't have a vagina to squeeze a kid out of and I don't see it being logistically possible to poop a whole, undigested cantaloupe out, so that example doesn't work. Let's put this to a real test. The average healthy woman is capable of applying about 100 Newtons of force in a solid punch. So what you do is you record a man's reaction to the pain he experiences from that 100 Newton punch applied to his right arm. Then you take that same woman and hit her on her right arm with 1000 Newtons of force, or about the same as a professional baseball player's homerun bat swing. By the 10 to 1 ratio theory her reaction to that pain should be identical to the man's. Anyone up for the challenge?

Nina and I were watching video on VH1 this morning. The video for "Fall to Pieces" by Velvet Revolver came on and I had a revelation. I need to go on a heroin binge for about six months. I've never tried it before, and I hear it's terribly addictive. But just look at how skinny Scott Weiland is! I don't want to look as emaciated as he does, but I bet I could get a high high and lose a good 40 or 50 pounds in the process. And it would probably be cheaper than signing up with Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. Hell, I wouldn't even have to exercise. Now all I have to do is find a way to beat that lifelong addiction thing.

After saying our "I love you"s over MSN IM, Nina and I tend to throw out one of those heart or kissy smilies. It always makes us feel good, like "if I was there I'd kiss you". Warm fuzzies across the board. I wonder if they make an engagement ring smiley. Supposing they did have one, and a woman received one over IM with "will you marry me" typed next to it would she think that was a legitimate marriage proposal? What if she was really pressuring him to marry or was just plain desperate to become a wife? Would she say yes? If so, would she make up a new story to tell her family and friends? This seems like a stupid thing to try, but I can't help but think that it would be a great tool to confuse the woman. She'd probably get upset at the lame proposal, but then feel guilty and realize she had just gotten angry at the man she loves for proposing to her, albeit in a pretty lame way. It would certainly buy him a day or two to get his thoughts together and, at the same time, stress her out about all kinds of shit.

I think that I've just received my first ever orgy invite. I got an E-vite yesterday afternoon from a girl in my work building and her two male roommates. The invite was for a house party next month with the title "Slutty Santa and Sexy Elves". The description included the phrases "heavy drinking theme" and "bring your own sleeping bag and pillow". I mean what the hell else could it be? Even if it isn't intended to be an orgy, with that kind of environment some bone dancing is bound to take place, probably in one of the bedrooms, then spilling out into the hall. Where it goes from there is anyone's guess. I haven't actually responded to the invite yet. I'm a married man, so I won't go. But I'm not even sure how declining the invite will affect my social standing. It's like if I say no I'm going to be labeled as a lame-ass. I don't want to be the only boy who didn't orgy. I'm flummoxed!

"Every woman needs a good raping." This is a direct quote from a woman friend of mine when discussing the acceptability of a man ravaging his girlfriend or wife without verbal permission or prior notice. Every once in a while I get this frisky little notion that I would love to come home from work and just take my wife. No kissing, no words, no nothing. Just hardcore, lustful sexual assault...but in a loving and playful sort of way. I know it sounds like rape, but I wouldn't do it without her at least unspoken consent. And since it was a woman who balls out said that women need "a good raping" I have to assume that not only is it natural for a man to have a desire to ravage his woman in such a way, so also is it natural for a woman to desire to BE ravaged by her man in such a way. It's perplexing, to say the least. That "no means yes" thing gets some women into trouble, but it seems to also carry some truth in the chase.

I am hearing people using the word "sharted" way too much. Look I get it. A shart is when you try to fart but accidentally shit a little bit. It's clever. Not quite funny, but clever. What boggles me is why people feel the need to adopt into their vocabulary every new word Hollywood generates. The constant recitation of phrases from Austin Powers got annoying pretty fast, but it was at least a funny movie. Along Came Polly was just retarded. Quoting from that movie is like saying "not only do I have bad taste in movies, but I let even the stupid ones affect my personal lexicon." If you're going to quote films, at least let those quotes come from a movie better than one that might as well have been called Along Came Meet the Something About Marypolly.

I both like and dislike opening the door for women. Last year when I visited my mother in Indiana, she chastised me for failing to open the car door or hold the restaurant door open for her. She said that a man should always hold the door open for a lady. I understand that. Part of me feels good to respect the fairer sex by clearing their passage to wherever they're going. But part of me says that this is a man's world partly because women still see themselves as these delicate little flowers of mankind who should be cherished and assisted with every mundane facet of life just for their possession of a vagina. I hate that. But then there's that part of me that says as long as women expect us to treat them special for no reason, we'll continue to run the show. How can we evolve as a species if we treat each other like this? Well, I'm not going to make this some attempt at societal reconstruction. I just think that it shouldn't be an issue. I'll hold the door for a guy too if I'm the first one to the handle. I can't think about this right now.

Making friends is hard. Over the years, Nina and I have had many conversations on how difficult it is to meet people with similar interests who share our basic views and way of life. Even those people don't always pan out as lifelong friends. And what a disappointment it is when you've invested yourself for several months, maybe years, into the development of a meaningful platonic relationship only to have it all fall to shit because of some unforeseen and irreconcilable difference. I've decided to streamline the process by implementing another quiz. That way, I may be able to avoid wasting many hours of my precious time trying to make pals with someone who isn't compatible. See how efficient I am?