Just Off Center

Anyone who's taken even the most basic Psychology or Sociology course should be able to understand that there are certain behaviors that humans display with no instruction whatsoever. Things like smiling as a universally acknowledged sign of happiness are hardwired into our psyches as a necessary function of social interaction. The rest is learned from experience in this world and civilization. These are things like designating a separate area for the disposal of human waste that exists out of nose-shot of the group.

I mention this because there certain behaviors that I observe in public bathrooms today that give me pause to wonder about the impending doom of our species. I understand that bathroom etiquette differs from person to person, based on rearing. But I think there are some things that should be universally accepted as standard practice. The following list applies directly to men only, seeing as how women usually learn these lessons all by themselves.

1. When you need to take a dump and most of the stalls are available, under no circumstances is it acceptable to choose the stall right next to somebody else. How creepy is this? When I go potty, I try to choose the stall on the end so that I don't have anyone on my right side no matter what. But there are still these people who saddle up on my left when every other stall is open. This is cause enough for an instant pinch, wipe and bolt.
   
   
2. Loud dumping, while disgusting is understandable. But try to keep the noises restricted to your ass. Keep your fucking mouth shut! Too many times I've been enjoying a peaceful crap after lunch when some jackoff starts grunting from the strain. If it's that hard, it's not time. Change your diet and put a lid on it.
   
   
3. Speaking of jackoffs, if you're so horny that you absolutely must rub one out at work, do so in absolute silence. This is non-negotiable and failure to comply is grounds for public humiliation. Enough said.
   
   
4. No matter who you are, your penis does not weigh enough to warrant that stupid little knee bend. This is done only for the sole purpose of intimidating the other pissers in the bathroom. A guy is taking a wee wee. When he finishes, he grabs his dick and puts it away as if it is 18 inches long weighs twelve pounds, necessitating a little extra squat motion from his legs. This shit just pisses me off.
   
   
5. Wash your hands after you take a shit. And don't look at me like I'm some kind of sick bastard for not washing after taking a piss. I washed my dick this morning and I didn't get any piss on my hands. Chances are, my hand wasn't gong to find its way into your mouth anyway.
   
   
6. Don't speak. Men are not to talk to each other while pissing unless it's outdoors and involves a distance competition. And if you talk through stalls, you should be shot in the kneecaps.

It's amazing how many people go their whole lives with no idea that these basic rules of hygiene and courtesy exist. Look, we all have to go to the bathroom. And nobody is interested in how you personally experience taking a shit. So just accept these rules and follow them. We'll all get through this together by keeping our actions separate.