Just Off Center

Boy there’s nothing quite like a religious conversation with your Roman Catholic CEO to get you thinking about death. Paul, Dennis and I were at this shitty Chinese restaurant with shitty food and shitty service tonight after work. During a particularly uncomfortable lull in the conversation I mentioned how I had just finished reading The DaVinci Code. That was enough to get Paul going on all of the research and self-discovery he has undergone which led him away and finally right back to his chosen faith. Good for him. I still say that if you’re going to be a Christian you might as well be Catholic. Lutherans, Methodists, Baptists, etc? It’s all just Catholicism Lite.

For some reason this got me thinking about how the Catholics consider suicide to be a sin that cannot be forgiven. Actually it can be forgiven if you ask for forgiveness in your lifetime…except that you’re dead. Oops. And therefore you’re fucked…er…damned. I see this as both a good and bad thing for the Catholics. First of all, being unable to kill yourself means that you are forced to deal with the life that you’re dealt as best you can. Or you can just wallow in misery until you die of cancer. Either way, you’ve got that whole “didn’t commit suicide” thing going for you. So it at least puts the direct threat of hell in front of anyone thinking about the most selfish decision one can make.

As a side note, I should mention that I personally don’t see the most selfish decision one can make as a bad one to make. I support the suicidal, as long as they aren’t mentally ill in some way that predisposes them to suicidal tendencies. For instance, if you’re seventeen and your boyfriend or girlfriend dumps you because you’re sexually inadequate, I don’t support a ride on the bullet train. In that situation, I recommend fucking a prostitute with the clap, asking for one last sympathy fuck from your ex, and then going to get your penicillin shot. But if you’re 35 and you just can’t see any further reason to go on, be it because you’ve ruined your life or you’re just bored out of your skull, then I say drop the garage door and let’s get our CO on. Just admit that you’re being as selfish as any human can ever be before you go.

Back to the point. If Catholics aren’t allowed to kill themselves, then that means they are, by virtue of their religion, protected against the conscious performance of any task with the understanding that it will be the direct cause of their death. That’s good for keeping the pews filled to capacity. But what about the naturally suicidal? Can’t we use them for any constructive Catholic purpose? I mean if the Muslims are going to have their suicide bombers, how can we retaliate? Certainly we can spare a few of our “lesser” parishioners to combat these infidels. HA! Infidels, that’s their word. LALALALALALALALA!!!!! Perhaps the pope can be talked into giving some kind of dispensation for this mortal sin and send our “blessed combatants” into the field. After all, Muslims are easily the biggest religion next to Catholicism. Except for Judaism. But Jews don’t count, so it doesn’t matter.

So then all this thought about suicide and its spiritual repercussions for some reason got me thinking about my sophomore philosophy class. The entire focus of the class was the challenging of the students to argue either for or against one of seven big, hot button issues. I can’t remember every one of them, but I thought that this would be a great way for anyone to get to know me a little bit. And it’s about as close as I’ll ever get to one of those super cutesy “getting’ to know you” posts, like where you all did that thing where you asked each other three questions. That was just too cute, but not my style.

WELFARE – The way I see it, welfare is a necessary part of civilization until we are able to provide for the basic needs of humanity without monetary cost. I guess I’m an idealist, at least when it comes to the future of humanity. I see the abandonment of monetary dependence as an inevitability…just not in our lifetime. So as long as we are unable to provide our least able citizens with the basics of life, we can take it as a sign of the work we have left to accomplish. I don’t like paying into the system, but I’m happy to know that the lowest echelons of our society are at least minimally cared for. And don’t give me any shit about welfare abusers. If welfare paid me $75,000.00 a year I’d be one of them. For some people $10,000.00 is all they need and, lacking higher aspiration, they feed off of it. I vote in favor of public welfare.

PROSTITUTION – I’m all for it! Let’s make it government subsidized. That’s what you’d expect me to say, right? Well, the truth is that I do see prostitution as a profession that will exist regardless of the law. I see no problem with making it legal at all. And since it’s legal, let’s go ahead and keep a register of all customers who frequent “sex for hire” establishments. What, you don’t want your wife to know you’re banging a whore twice a week, eating up ten percent of your declared income? Tough shit. The way I see it, the legalization of prostitution would require an increase in the quality and trustworthiness of our personal, intimate relationships. Knowing that I can go to a hooker and get my rocks off gives me a certain security in this world. I’d never pay for sex, and I never have, but I understand the need for it. A nice ancillary benefit is that if women are allowed to legally lease out their bodies by the quarter hour, some of that sexual power women hold over men is lost. This forces women to be more worthy humans, not just guilt mongering vaginas with mouths. Sorry ladies, tough love.

DRUG LEGALIZATION – Believe it or not, I believe that high school kids who are interested should be allowed to participate in ”Drug Month” as schools. This is a month when, during seventh period and with parental permission obviously, high school seniors experience drugs one by one in a classroom environment. They start with pot, move on to through the depressants, including alcohol, then through the stimulants, then the hallucinogens, and finally move to the narcotics. That way kids just go ahead and get his shit out of their systems in a safe environment. Plus, with this on the curriculum, the government will have to produce not only the drugs for distribution, but also the means to avoid and combat addiction. This is three generations away at best. Until then, I say we make all drugs legal, as long as the user submits, in writing, to a government agency, that they are going to be using. This won’t be used against the user, but it will force the user to admit their intentions and register them for treatment programs.

CAPITAL PUNISHEMENT – I hate that we kill each other. I hate that we take lives in exchange for a life. I would ban all capital punishment. Unfortunately, I also understand that humans still believe, collectively, in “an eye for an eye” and therefore demand a life for a life. I also understand the arguments that suggest it is far more expensive to incarcerate. Well, gee sorry. Let’s just murder the fucker. He’s a serial rapist. No one will miss him. As long as you can admit to the murder you cause. And don’t give me “well, what if it was your wife or mother”. Look, if some degenerate bastard murdered my wife or mother I’d pray for an acquittal. That way I could hunt them down and take vengeance for myself, instead of letting the government take it for me. That said, I say lock up the murderers and that’s that.

ANIMAL RIGHTS – Animals have no rights. It’s up to us to show compassion in spite of this fact. But it’s not a law of nature.

ABORTION – I don’t want children. Neither does Nina. If she gets pregnant I’ll probably suggest an abortion. But we don’t have to worry about that since I doubt we’re capable anyway. I’ll just say that in the three years we courted and lived together we never once used a condom. Pulling out is not 100% effective, folks. But when it comes to a woman’s choice whether or not to kill a baby I vote in favor of the woman’s choice. To do otherwise belittles a woman’s decision-making abilities. And I cut through the bullshit and call it what it is. You’re killing your baby. If you can’t say it, don’t do it. I support a woman’s right to choose. Besides, babies make you clean up their poop. If I thought I was going to have to do that for Nina for four years or more, I’d probably kill her too.

PRAYER IN SCHOOLS – I went to Catholic school my whole life. The kids who prayed in public were dorks or had mental and emotional issues. If you need to do that shit in front of people, see a shrink to figure out why first. Otherwise, have your little prayer sessions off to the side in private like it’s supposed to be. Remember, the faithful pray to God in private. The rest are posers. I say no prayer in school. There’s this thing called the Constitution and it doesn’t allow for that. Get over it or move somewhere else. This is the one situation where being a religions nut doesn’t work out in your favor in America. Cool.

Those may or may not have been the seven topics in that class. Whatever. Now you know where I stand (in brief). Sure my mind might change over time, but flexibility is one of the best attributes a human can possess. So I've got that going for me. Sure I may be overweight and kind of a dick...but I've got that flexibility thing nailed y'all.