Just Off Center

When I was preparing to travel back home from Indiana on December 23rd I realized that I had a nearly five hour layover in Chicago Midway and nothing to occupy my time. I had no Gameboy Advantage, no laptop computer, not even a deck of cards. In fact I prefer to travel without a carry on at all if possible. And I did just that. I knew that I was going to throw back a few pints and some sleeping pills for the long flight back from Chicago, but what was I supposed to do with my time between flights. If I started drinking too early, I’d be way to stinking drunk to be let on the plane. Airport alcohol is expensive anyway. I couldn’t just sit around staring at the damn airplanes. Even people watching would get unbearably old after an hour. I could buy a magazine or a newspaper, but I’d be done with that in 45 minutes. I was stuck.

So before I flew out of Ft. Wayne I broke down and decided to buy a book. I hated dropping the MRP of $26.99 on a book of any kind, but I was desperate. I also figured I might be able to slip it into my expense report. Since I’d been hearing so much about this book that was pissing off all the Christians and Catholics (something I can always respect) I decided to be the last man in America to read The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown. After begrudgingly handing the old woman behind the counter my debit card (who gave me the evil eye for buying it) I stepped into the terminal to get to the lounge. You see, in Ft. Wayne, you have to actually go through security before you can access the lounge where they sell alcohol. So I got there, found a table, placed my watch on it, ordered a beer and opened the book. Actually I took the cover off of the book first, because I didn’t want anyone seeing me reading it and trying to talk to me.

Before I make myself sound like an imbecile, I should point out that I rarely ever read books. When I was a little kid you couldn’t tear me away from the written word. Now I tend to read for information only, and most of that information can be found online. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent man, and I can appreciate a good book. I just don’t take the time out of my day to read them. Most of the books I’ve read in recent years have been informative, not entertaining.

Since this was my first venture into a piece of literal fiction in about a decade I started with trepidation. But within the first paragraph I was already interested. And I was very pleasantly surprised to see that most of the chapters were only two to five pages long. Granted this made the book over one hundred chapters long, but Nina’s always told me to take smaller bites. The book is stuffed with cliffhangers and hooks to keep you reading. It’s got a formulaic pattern about its plot development, but I think that’s part of what made it such a popular book. But the subject matter of the book was something that I was very impressed with. For those of you who are thinking of reading it and don’t want any spoilers of any kind, stop here. I won’t talk about what actually happens, but I will discuss one of the key themes.

In the book, there is a secret society that has existed since the time of Jesus of Nazareth (or Jesus Christ), that has been charged with the protection of a secret so powerful that it could destroy, or at least forever alter, the Church of Rome and all of its derivative sects…like Lutheranism. This society has been headed up by some of the most prominent non-political and intellectually gifted men in history including Sir Isaac Newton, Boticelli, and of course DaVinci. So what was it that they protect? Why nothing less than the truth about the marriage of Jesus Christ to Mary Magdalene and their resulting family line that has survived all these ages.

So now it should be clearer why the zealots were up in arms about this. Throughout the book, Brown depicts, in great detail, many French and English museums, crypts, art galleries, and churches where clues and symbols have been left that point to this truth. And laden in the very masterpieces of DaVinci is the framework for discovering the whereabouts of the tomb of Mary Magdalene, the lost and forsaken Queen of Man. He points out clues in the Mona Lisa, The Last Supper, and Madonna of the Rocks. He even referenced Disney’s Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and The Little Mermaid as retreads of the true story of Christ. It’s actually quite convincing at times.

Of course it is still just a work of fiction. It’s a book like any by Grisham or Clancy. If it was a doctoral thesis or the life’s work of a religious historian published as a statement of theory and fact I could see how this would set off lots of fireworks in the community. But it’s just a book of fiction. No matter how believable it is, it’s still just fiction. When I got on the plane bound for Phoenix I was nearly halfway through. I was also halfway asleep from the beer and sleeping pills. When I woke up, we had been flying for two hours and I had to piss like a racehorse. The fat couple on my left did too, but since I was passed out in the isle seat, they couldn’t get up. We all three got up and went to the potty…separately.

When we got back I considered going back to sleep, but I’d flown enough times to know that it wouldn’t happen. I was awake now and would remain so all the way to touch down. When I sat down I pulled out my book the couple started up a brief conversation:

MAN: That’s some heavy reading you’ve got there.
ME: This? Um, not really. It’s just a suspense mystery. A good book, but nowhere near as heavy as some I own.
WOMAN: You know that’s all lies right!?!
ME: …
WOMAN: That book is nothing but lies.
ME:…Well…it is a book of fiction…so…yes I suppose by definition it’s not an accurate accounting of real events.
WOMAN: Yeah, but it tries to make you believe in non-Christian ideas. That’s a sin.
ME: Well I’m pretty sure most authors try to convince you that the story you’re reading is realistic. That’s probably why it’s so popular. But I don’t think it has any more sins in it than that romance novel you’ve got there.
WOMAN: Oh I doubt that.
ME: Sure. Pardon my forwardness, but I will bet you anything that your book breaks just as many Commandments as mine. You’ve got coveting, infidelity, theft, disrespect for parents or authority, maybe even murder. That’s half of them right there.
MAN: I think my wife means that your book is blasphemy.
ME: Oh, well in that case, of course it is. You’re absolutely right. Excuse me.

At this point I realized the futility of further discourse with these nimrods and went right back to my book. I just finished reading it yesterday, and I’m glad I did. Supposing it’s true, I have no problem with it. I’ve never believed Jesus was this ultra-divine being in life like he’s supposed to be in death. I mean, the Bible says how he freaked out when they opened up a market in that church. Am I supposed to believe that Jesus never got a hard on? So what if he was married? It wouldn’t surprise or bother me in the slightest, except for the fact that it’s been covered up. I bet Jesus had access to all the trim he could stand. What’s the use in being the Son of God if you can’t even use it to score? I mean, how many of us have ever been able to say, “Hey baby, you ever been touched by the right hand of God?” and make it work? That’s what I thought.