Just Off Center

I've determined that I must work for some of the most imcompetent people alive. The company that has contracted my services is filled with career software and hardware engineers. Some of these people tend to take the work home with them, resulting in a personality that can be a little...off. I thought it might be fun to cover a phone conversation I had with one of these types some time ago. To set it up, I am trying to arrange for the repair of a piece of equipment they were using to be bumped up to a priority. But first I need some information so that I can fill out the required documents. If you get lost, you're probably following along just fine. The exchange went like this:

Dan: This is Dan
Me: Hey Dan this is Mike with *******. Did you get my message?
Dan: Yes, just now. (I left it three hours ago)
Me: Great. Do you think I can get that information from you?
Dan: What do you want to know? (it was all on my voicemail)
Me: Well first off, what's your pager number?
Dan: It's uh, 602, no 480, no wait...88...602480887... Oh it's 602-250-****.
Me: OK thanks. And do you know of an alternate we can contact when this priority repair is complete?
Dan: (sarcastically) No, that's my only pager.
Me: No, sorry, I mean who do you want to be the alternate point of contact?
Dan: Yeah, use Rick.
Me: Rick L*****?
Dan: Yeah, I said Rick.
Me: Fine, and do you happen to have his contact info?
Dan: You can reach him at 38**.
Me: Extension 1-38**? (we use the last five digits in-house. 1 means a 441 prefix)
Dan: Of course.
Me: Well, your prefix is 675, not 441.
Dan: I know.
Me: Ok... You don't happen to know his pager number do you?
Dan: Does he have a pager?
Me: I'm not sure. He could have a cell phone.
Dan: Well which do you want?
Me: You have both?
Dan: No.
Me: Which do you have?
Dan: Neither.
Me: Alright, I'll track him down in his office. Now this piece of equipment is used on the ***** project, not yours, right?
Dan: Doesn't the calibration lab have a TDS8000?
Me: Ummm. I…don't…know what inventory of standards the cal lab has.
Dan: Well I'd rather they used their own.
Me: I'll look into that. (pause) But this piece of equipment is used on the ***** project, right?
Dan: Manuals and Training.
Me: Excuse me?
Dan: Manuals and Training.
Me: The project is called “Manuals and training” or the bench is being used to develop manuals and train people?
Dan: Yes, its Manuals and Training
Me: I'll write that down. So this is used in association with the ***** project, right?
Dan: Yes.
Me: Great! Ok, so then this will be charged to department PB105 then, correct?
Dan: Well I'm PB430?
Me: You're PB430?
Dan: Yes.
Me: Wow. So what are you doing in room R1111?
Dan: Working on Manuals and Training.
Me: Of course you are. So are you saying that the charge for this priority calibration should be charged to department PB430?
Dan: No, I told you the project is *****.
Me: Alright. Sorry, I think I'm beginning to understand now. So PB105.
Dan: Ask the cal lab.
Me: Well actually, I'm filling out this priority request form for the cal lab to use.
Dan: But they'll know who to charge the repair to.
Me: Oh, this unit has been broken before?
Dan: Yes, last time I sent it in.
Me: Oh, same problem?
Dan: Yes.
Me: And you’re saying that they should have a record of what department the repair was charged to last time.
Dan: Well they'd better.
Me: Yes. I'd bet they do. But since this is a ***** subproject, the charges would fall to PB105 I expect.
Dan: Maybe. Ask the cal lab.
Me: I will. So do you understand that they have to send this off-site the department that uses this equipment would pick up the overnight shipping charges?
Dan: What department?
Me: PB105.
Dan: I don't know. I'm PB430.
Me: Yes, but the charges of shipping go to the using project's parent department. In this case that would be PB105.
Dan: Well alright. (pause) I’m PB430.
Me: I'll call Rick and let him know too.
Dan: …
Me: …
Dan: …
Me: So then. I think I have everything I need to complete this priority request form. Do you have any questions?
Dan: When will it be back?
Me: Well that's difficult to say since it's a repair and not just a calibration. It would depend on the problem, but once I submit the priority paperwork it will go “next on bench” if the cal lab accepts it.
Dan: Why wouldn't they accept it?
Me: Well I'm not sure why. I've never seen them reject a priority yet. I'm sure it will go through. But I'll keep in contact with them to get a better estimate.
Dan: Ok.
Me: Well thanks for your help. I'll go put this request in.
Dan: Ok.
Me: Alright, thanks.
Dan: …
Me: Bye.
Dan: -click-

To this day I'm not sure how I got through this phone call without laughing or crying. This may not have made any sense to anyone else, but I just had to throw it out there. And, come to think of it, I have no fucking clue if that piece of shit got fixed or not.