Just Off Center

When Viagra first came into being I thought to myself "now this is just what we need. I've often thought that Americans aren't having enough sex." And with the incredible boom in Viagra sales across the country, you'd think that only 15% of America has the ability to get a hard on of their own accord. I've never taken Viagra, but I hear that it has quite an effect even on men with no problems. And isn't it hilarious that Viagra is now supported by most health plans, but you can't get birth control for your daughter? More proof that it's a man's world.

But now, blazing across the nation like crack, we have Cialis. This little joy pill lasts 36 hours, and will allow a man to hold a woody for up to four hours at a time. I guess it only kicks in when the man gets stimulated somehow. But four hours? Even during a sexual marathon with Nina my batteries need recharging after about three. Doesn't it seem unnatural and unhealthy to have an erection for this long? If a man could have sex every time he got a natural hard on, he'd have abs of fucking rock. But with a four hour stiffy at the whim of a sexual thought I'm betting that the national life expectancy of American men is going to drop to about fifty very soon.

One thing that I believe about keeping romance and passion strong in a relationship is the constant presence of flirting. A little wink from across the room or the secret squeeze or breast brush work great. But imagine you've taken a Cialis pill that day, or even the day before. Now you're at a party and you've got this four-hour boner to deal with. I know that these medications have loosened the minds of people on the public discussion of erections, but I'm still not sure if anybody wants to see their friend's husband walking around with a tent pole in his khakis.

Now the commercials are a riot. One in particular shows this couple sharing a relaxing time by resting in separate bathtubs on the ledge of some hill overlooking the city sunset. And then the wife rubs her finger across her husband's forearm, signaling that she's ready to maka da love. Is that all it takes when you're on this stuff? What happens when your cat comes by to rub on your leg? I can't even think about this. Also, who the fuck has ever done this? First off, what is anybody doing with two bathtubs that aren't anchored to the bathroom? Did the man load them into his truck "just in case"? And where did the water to fill the tubs come from? This is a stupid commercial and needs to be completely rethought.

The best and most relevant commercial to my way of thinking would be as follows: An Olympic swimmer is walking from the locker rooms to the big 200 meter individual medley race. As he makes his way to the pool he spots his wife in the stands licking her lips at how hot he looks in a skintight swimsuit. Cut to the race and the announcers talking about how surprised they are that this favored Olympian is in seventh place. "He seems to have some great amount of drag somehow, Joe". Cut to the underwater camera. "Oops! There's the reason, Joe. He's must have taken a Cialis up to 36 hours ago. No hope for him now I'm afraid." Cut to the swimmer watching the medal ceremony that he should have been in when his wife comes up to him, wraps her arms around him and says "He still gets the gold in one event."

"Cialis. When you can't find any other way to give yourself a stroke"