Just Off Center

Nina's bad back has been especially troublesome over the past few weeks. Some days are better than others. I'll leave the details of her ailments to her own writing. But for my own part I have been trying to help by stretching her legs out, cooking, lifting, feeding her alcohol, and doing whatever other menial tasks I can to help. Of course I want to be a helpful and loving partner. But I know damn well there's just gotta be some nookie on the table for pitching in. I once read a post written by a woman entitled "No one ever gave me head for making the Goddamned bed". To me, that says it all.

Is it that women are so desperate for men to show even the slightest sign of caring that we are rewarded with sex? Is it given as a future incentive to do more? Is it that watching your man making dinner is so unbelievably sexy that women can't resist gettin some of that? Of course a woman would never admit this to the man she's banging. Or is it that women would have wanted to have sex anyway, but figured "he might as well think he's getting this for doing something nice for me"? Whatever the reason is, I'm sold.

So Nina's back is in almost constant pain. She rarely complains about it though, because what good does whining do? I've found that around bedtime, right as she's getting settled in under the sheets, is when she typically chooses to vocalize her misery. I think that this is a warning that any mojo I lay down will be put down. I'm sure the pain is very real. But I'm also sure that she's aware that I'm very horny. And she knows that I tend to feel rejected and unattractive when she turns down my advances. To be fair, I do tend to roll over and start going to sleep once this happens. To this, Nina usually asks "what's wrong". "Nothing." "Something's wrong. You were talking to me and now you've rolled over." It's a little scene we act out once or twice a week.

So to avoid the sting of rejection and the guilt she would feel for turning me down I have begun to try and relax myself around her enough to jerk off in bed. She usually just lies there, waiting for me to finish. It feels a little creepy, but a man's gotta take care of business. Last night though we were watching TV in bed and I started to make those initial tugs. I wasn't hard at all. I just knew that it was a good possibility that I was going to end up beating off anyway. I might as well go ahead and start working things up before I got too tired. I wonder if most women know that a good portion of the time when men jerk off that they don't even have a partial hard on when they start pulling. It's just a thought in the mind and it might as well be quelled before it flows to the loins.

Anyway, Nina blurts out "Are you jerking off?" I immediately stop and say "Not really. Kinda." Now all of the sudden she starts acting a little bit upset, which surprises me because I thought I was being considerate of her feelings by not even trying to get on her. I'd already made comments to her that night that I was wanting to have sex, and she'd hinted that her back hurt too much. And then she did her little bad back groan when she got into bed.

But then she tells me that she's confused and that I'm not communicating with her about sex. This has me completely flummoxed. I ask her if she wanted to have sex and she says "not really". Well then what's the fucking problem? So it occurs to me that she wouldn't be asking me all this if she wasn't willing to give it up so I ask her if she'd be willing to give me a quickie. She agrees and I take her up on it.

Now here's the strange part. I'm on top of her and she's lying there like a dead fish. I think she was actually scooching her upper body to watch TV. I like to keep my eyes open during sex, but after seeing her looking at me like "damn, that's a weird fuck-face" I think I might reconsider that tendency during quickies. I know it's a quickie and it's just for me so I shouldn't expect her to be getting off, but I actually find myself fucking her and wondering "what's she thinking right now?" What the holy fuck? How did this shit take root in my mind? It used to be that I'd say "hey great!" and put my full weight on top of her happily humping away with my chin in her neck and making a growling noise similar to a car that won't turn over. But now I'm wondering about her fucking thoughts and feelings? And then, before I come I asked her if she wanted me to pull out or not? Who the hell am I?

But still it felt good, and in some ways a quickie makes me feel more loved than many other kinds of sex. I gave her "body drawing" for about twenty minutes afterward and passed out watching "I Love the 80's". And afterward she asked me if I minded that she was just lying there. I told her no, and it occurred to me that I really didn't mind. It's so rare that I actually take the opportunity to give in to pleasing only myself these days that I seem to have forgotten how to just "nail this chick". Well, I'm sure the answers will come...with practice. Lots and lots of practice.