Just Off Center

So it’s only been a weeks since I took on my second job as a telemarketer and I can safely say that it is every bit the shit job I thought it would be. So many of the people I speak to are most unthrilled that I’ve called them during the dinner hours. I totally understand, too. I fucking hate telemarketers. Whenever they’d call I’d just hang up whether they had started talking or not. But in the past several days there are some things that I’ve learned about this industry that I think everyone should know.

These are not evil people – The person calling you up is an employee, nothing more. They don’t like bugging you and they aren’t trying to piss you off. Most of them are just broke ass nobodies trying to pay the bills. And as much as you’d like to think otherwise, as far as shit jobs go, telemarketers can make some pretty decent money. That auto-dialer was going to call your number no matter what. Does it really help anything to scream at the poor schmuck on whose screen your name popped? In fact, it’ll probably just piss me off and I’ll code your number for another call very soon.

What you are hearing is a script – Most of you already knew that. But stop and think about it. The voice on the other end of the line isn’t thinking at all. The only thing I have to do when that auto-dialer catches you is try and pronounce your name right when I say hello. After that I just start reading from a script that has been proven effective. If you don’t interrupt me, I am going to keep on reading until I say “OK?” Oh, and don’t try to explain why the answer is no. No matter what excuse you have, enough people have used it to motivate the company to script out a response to it.

We get paid by the hour or by the sale – I was once told that even if I didn’t want what was being sold to me that I should still just listen to the telemarketer until they were finished because they get paid for making it to the end. Wrong! I get paid because you bought what I’m selling. If I make enough sales, then the commissions start to earn more than my hourly rate, and that’s how I make really good money. If you wait for me to reach the end of my pitch before hanging up, you’ve just wasted both our time.

You might actually want what I’ve got – The truth is that I don’t make cold calls. Every name that pops up on my screen is a person who has in some way supported the company that is selling the crap I’m pushing onto you. Most of the time I sell nature videos for a popular nature magazine. And I’m not even actually selling the video. I’m actually just giving it to you to preview for two weeks and buy if you want it. And if you let me send it to you I’ll give you a free world map to keep regardless of your decision. Since you like the magazine anyway, you might actually like the video. So you see, if I call you and you just tell me to take you off the calling list, you might actually be cutting off something that you may have wanted. Just bear in mind that most of the time, telemarketers got your number because you gave it to them. You might want to listen.

Listen to the offer, but really listen when it’s on the record – Once I have you on the phone it’s my job to sell you on the offer. Once you’ve agreed I have to record a reading of a confirmation for legal reasons. If I don’t get it on the record, the sale will be killed. The only exception is if you say you don’t want to be recorded. Then I’ll stop the recording and I can legally continue the sale. In the recording I state your name, address, and age verification, restate the total offer, ask if you have questions, and finally ask if you accept the offer. Whatever I told you off the record may have been close, but what goes on the record is the true nature of the deal. Pay close attention to what I say when the recorder is on and you won’t get burned.

However, since telemarketing is still a nuisance, I thought I’d put up a few rules for you, the victim of my evil auto-dialer.

Hanging up = Calling you back in a few days

Saying you’re not home = Calling you back in a few days

Letting the answering machine pick up = Calling you back in a few days

Saying you’re moving = Calling you back in a few weeks

In fact there are only a very few ways to guarantee that I’m not going to call you back.

1. “Put me on your Do Not Call List” – It’s as simple as that folks. Once you say that I have to stop, read a response from a board, thank you for your time, hang up, and enter a code on your name that will have your number eliminated. But this just takes you off of my list for this company. Don’t get all shitty at me because you told the other guy from XYZ and here I am calling you from ABC. Also, don’t dance around it. I get so many women on the phone who say shit like “you call me too much and I don’t like it”. That means absolutely nothing to me. Say the words and it’s done.
2. No, no, no, no – There are few states (Oregon, Illinois, South Carolina, Washington, etc.) that have statutes forbidding me to continue a sale once you’ve said no once. For the rest of you suckers, no means try again. Remember, the person calling you may very well have a manager listening in. I have no choice but to try again until you’ve said no twice. Thankfully, I can stop then. There are companies that make their reps keep trying until the person has refused three or four times. But if you say no enough times I have to code you as “not interested” and I won’t call you back…for this offer.
3. Wrong number – You say I’ve got the wrong number and I’ll remove the number from the list.
4. Telephone problem – If I get a number that is not in service or for whatever reason can’t go through, I mark it as a telephone problem and the number will be removed.

I know that nobody wants solicitors calling their house. Hell that’s why I have a caller verification system. But you are going to be called, that’s just the truth of it. So remember these little rules that we have to live by and you won’t get suckered.

# posted by Mike @ 12:24 PM