Just Off Center

This post may not be as coherent as other entries. I got only 2.5 hours of sleep last night, so I’m pretty messed up. Granted, it’s almost entirely my fault that I’m going on so little rest. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I happen to believe that a certain degree of weariness is good for the soul, so long as it’s earned through hard work and hard play.

So anyway. Back to why I’m so tired. Yesterday work was nuts. Some days I would rather take on a couple large problems that require all day sessions writing documents, having conversations, etc. Yesterday was just a juggling act. Nothing bad happened, but I just had someone asking me for something every time I turned around. But that’s just work for you. The real fun began after my scheduled quittin’ time. Hehehe…nuts.

At about 3:30 I left work to go to my new second job. What am I doing with a second job you ask? No, you didn’t ask? Well blow me. Ask that question aloud then reread this paragraph. But skip the blow me part. The answer is I need the cash, plain and simple. I’ve been looking for a part time second job for quite a while now. I’ve put in applications at all sorts of places (except restaurants. Never again!). But it wasn’t until I checked the local classifieds and just gave in to the words “flexible p/t hours” associated with an outbound call center that I found my new employer. Yes that’s right, folks. I’m a goddamned telemarketer. And you wanna know something? It’s only been two days and I fucking rock the house at it! I got five fucking sales in 75 minutes, yo!

Seriously, I don’t like calling people during their dinner hour and hassling them with my bullshit sales pitch about some fucking nature videos. But if I just read the script and act all nice, people seem to listen to me. Maybe I can just sound really friendly. Or maybe it’s that every other person in the place is a knuckle-dragging troglodyte with the IQ of a beach ball and the voice that makes you wish it was a computer calling you. Plus, it’s not cold calling. All the people I call are previous customers. I got one request for the Do Not Call list. One guys said he was leaving the country. One woman wouldn’t let me talk to her boyfriend and hung up. I got a lot of hang-ups and answering machines. But damn near everyone I actually spoke with agreed to my pitch. Plus it’s a good outlet for my dark desire to upset people. Except there was this one dude I called that almost made me feel bad. Almost. It also made me kind of proud in a sick sort of way. Here’s a rough paraphrasing of the conversation:

ME – Hello, Mrs. Vasquez! This is Mike K_____ calling from _________. Can you hear me okay?

POOR SCHLUB – Uh…(sigh) yeah. Well, no, but that’s fine.

ME – Oh, well I can speak with you if you like Mr. Vasquez if you like.

POOR SCHLUB – Well you don’t have much of a choice. My wife passed away not too long ago.

ME – (startled) Oh, sir I’m so sorry to hear that.

POOR SCHLUB – Yeah, the magazine was hers. I still get it though. I…well I just haven’t cancelled it yet.

ME – Well Mr. Vasquez I have her name down as the previous subscriber to _________. Would you like me to change that name over to yours?

POOR SCHLUB – Oh…sure, why not. I still get them but I don’t really ever read it. I just give it to my granddaughter… whenever I get the chance to see her.

ME – Oh that’s great! You know ________ is such a great educational tool for young children! Well I wanted to call you to thank you for your past support and let you know we’re sending you a gift…blah blah blah… Now in addition to the gift we would also send you the Best of 30 Years video to preview for 14 days. But since you’ve thought to give these magazines to your granddaughter, perhaps you’d like it if we sent you the Safari Adventure animated video to preview and you could let her have that too. It comes with free fun stickers and…blah blah blah.

POOR SCHLUB – Well… I suppose, I mean…maybe, I don’t know.

ME – Great and if you decide to keep the video… blah blah blah…and (totally off script now) I’m sure your granddaughter will take an even greater interest in these magazines you’ve been receiving once she sees the video. And compliments to you, Mr. Vasquez, for taking steps to pass on such an educational hobby from your and your wife’s generation to hers.

POOR SCHLUB – Huh. Well thanks. Yeah, okay, go ahead.

ME – Great, now I just need to…blah blah blah…thank you and goodbye.

How much do I rock? I have to admit that I was shaken up by the fact that I just made a sale to a widower and kind of used it to my advantage. But damn it, didn’t he just go right for it? I got all kinds of compliments from my trainer and the shift supervisor on that one. Apparently they had tuned in at the perfect time to monitor my progress. And at the end of the shift, she handed all of us trainees a sheet grading our performance on several aspects. In the notes section of mine she wrote

“Great job making a sale to that man whose wife just passed. You didn’t even make it sound like it was wrong!”

You see how this works? I take a man who probably took a sting from hearing me ask about his late wife’s magazine subscription, hear about his granddaughter, play off that, make the sale, and then totally get rewarded for it. I get a commission on every acceptance I get, so that’s money in my pocket. See how she wrote that note on my review? It almost looks like we both know that it was totally wrong to do it, but that I overcame that one little moral snag and emerged victorious. Maybe it’s a dick thing to do, but I was just doing my job. Hell, I didn’t even think about it while I was doing it. I mean would it really have made him feel less badly if I’d just said “Oh, sorry sir, well thanks anyway *click*”?

So after work I went to the Harkins Theater closest to my house where I met Nina for the midnight viewing of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. It wasn’t as much of a madhouse as I was expecting, but there were plenty of people there. We waited in line, gabbed about bullshit, got in, sat down, drank some cola, and waited for the movie. Man the movie was good. But goddamn it was so fucking tragic. I mean, I knew what had to happen, but still. Yeesh. It made The Empire Strikes Back look like the fucking Sound of Music. Anyway, Nina cried a few times and got all depressed. But there were a couple times during action sequences when she’d gasp and cover her face. It just feels good to see your girl have a cute, girly reaction to a dorky ass movie that you like. It’s hard to explain.

So we didn’t leave the theater until about 2:40 AM. By the time I got to bed it was 3:30. I overslept my alarm by half an hour. But that’s ok because nobody notices if I’m late really. I have a lot of work to do today, so I’d better get to it. Then after work, it’s off to the call center where maybe I can convince a man with terminal cancer that he can make a great contribution to his family and secure his legacy by buying my lame ninety-minute DVD. Oh the possibilities are just endless.

# posted by Mike @ 9:47 AM