Just Off Center

Last night Nina and I had a disagreement. I don’t think it was all that serious, but it was enough to make her cry and make me leave the room and sleep on the couch. I’m tired. I’m cranky. I’m not mad at Nina for anything. I’m frustrated that I don’t see how we can see eye to eye on a few things. I’m tired of feeling guilty of infractions I can’t recall. I’m tired of feeling angry and sad. I’m tired of feeling. I didn’t used to feel. I had no friends and I made many enemies, but I bore no pain. A general malaise toward my fellow man drove me through each day. He’s gone now, and this regular Joe of a man is all that remains, full of feelings and vulnerabilities. I’m told that makes me more attractive. Ugly is power.

I want to go around the building and let loose on every woman here who has ever done anything to irritate me. I want to smack the pastries out of the hands of the fat bitches who ride my freight elevator one floor. I want to show the back of my hand to the Mexican girl who tries to intimidate everyone around her while she changes our toner. I want the secretaries to feel ineffectual and stop seeking praise as the backbone of industry. I want to glare down every bitch in the halls who avoids eye contact with me because she’s afraid I might hit on her. I want to make them know that their skirts don’t hide the cellulite and I can see the bags and wrinkles anyway…and it’s all repulsive. Today you are weak and disgusting. Tomorrow will be different. But today you are my enemy. I want them intimidated and feeling guilty for their inadequacies. I want them to burn.

I’m so tired and I loathe self-pity. I’ll make up with Nina today. I’ll hug her and tell her I love her because I want her to feel better. I may or may not feel better. But her misery gives me no comfort. It’s not even a bad fight, just something we simply can’t agree on. I’ll be quelled by peace between us. But for now I want to roar and have every female in the world know they’re one passive aggressive comment or averted eye away from having their hideous selves made public.

Today will not be pleasant.

# posted by Mike @ 7:22 AM