Just Off Center

I know it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve had a completely frustrating case of writer’s block. I just couldn’t think of anything that I wanted to write about. Sure there were issues going on and topics I had in mind. But they all seemed so forced and contrived. I just had to wait and hope that by the time I finally felt inspired I hadn’t lost all my readers. Then I realized that never really wanted readers in the first place, so fuck off and die.

I’ve been in a lot of conversations lately with Christians, Jews, and other followers of the world’s various (ahem) major religions concerning the impending death of our Pope. As most of you know I was raised Roman Catholic, and damn near went to monastery at the ripe age of seventeen. But even though I have stepped away from the faith, I still had plenty of indoctrination and teaching of its inner workings and processes. You see, the Catholic Church is run much like a government is. It’s so large and has such an enormous responsibility to each and every follower that it has to be orderly and controlled with diplomacy and democracy. So now that we’re coming into a crucial point in Catholic history, the death of the old Pope and selection of the new one, I thought I’d take a few moments to acquaint you heathens to the process involved.

At this very moment Pope John Paul II is dying. The whole world knows this. Don’t worry about him. He’s had a damned good run and a fantastic and productive life. Plus he’s almost guaranteed a seat in the third tier of Heaven. As he is fading away he is no doubt undergoing his final duty to his Church, the spiritual blessing of the candidates who are up for his succession. At this point Cardinal John Joseph VII, second in command of the Catholic Church, may be escorting all of the potential popes into the Pope’s chambers where they will gather around in a circle, clasp hands and pray. It is the expectation that the Pope will bless each of the potentials in spirit, arming them with an extra shot of faith for the daunting task ahead.

Once the Pope has passed on, the Vatican administers a decree called “Rex Decrus Di’papal”. Then it becomes very much a matter of business. Every Cardinal (the ones in red cloaks with the beanies) distributes commands to the bishops under them to carry out the Holy Vote. This is the very essence of the Pope’s selection. In all Catholic parishes the priests, deacons, nuns and select parishioners are given the task of overseeing the vote that will decide the next pope. The Sunday after the Pope’s death every baptized and confirmed Roman Catholic is called upon to cast their vote for the next pope. Before I get into that, a bit about the “nominees”, or Chrisundi as they are called.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has a greater task than overseeing the simple day-to-day tasks of his flock. For over 300 years, it has been the duty of this servant to seek out and adopt in their infancy the potential successors to Earth’s Throne of God. One of the teachings that he must undergo is a sensitizing of his spirit to the Blessed, those humans granted a closer bond with the Kingdom even in the flesh. The children will most likely eventually become high-ranking member of the Catholic Church anyway. But it is Canterbury’s task to have these “blessed” children brought to him to see if they are meant for greater service beyond the role of shepherd to our souls. Bi-annually, the Archbishop makes a pilgrimage to Jerusalem, where he is met by the caretakers of those children sent by churches all over the world to be tested.

The test consists of the Archbishop placing his hands on the chest and forehead of the little boy (only boys have ever displayed this divine gift) and says a prayer to the Lord. During the prayer, the Archbishop recites in his mind another prayer for healing and wisdom. By the time he has finished the actions of the infant or toddler will have revealed his spiritual closeness to the Hereafter. Most of the time the Archbishop returns having recognized not one single candidate for Pope.

But those who are chosen are immediately adopted by the Archbishop and transported back to his monastery where they are raised in a manner consistent with the teachings of the apostles to hone their minds and spirits so that they may give hope and life to the Church of Rome. At this moment there are only fifteen of these monks. The range in age from 35 to 57 and have spent their lives in isolated prayer and study and on missionaries throughout the world. For those who believe that these children should be given a choice, be comforted by the fact that they are. Every sacrament is voluntary, and at the age of 33 years and 77 days, each is given the chance to leave the Church permanently, with no ill will or further obligation. By this time they will have served faithfully and done a great number of people a great deal of good. In over 200 years, not one monk has left, and those who are not chosen have never once disclosed any anger over their lives.

And now back to the vote. The Sunday after the current Pope’s death, every parishioner who has experienced the sacraments of Baptism and Confirmation has the right to place their vote for the next Pope. The votes are weighted. The least valuable vote, assigned the tally of one (1) is the unwed mother. Since divorce is not recognized by the Church, divorced women are considered “unwed”. Annulled marriages leave the woman single. The Single woman without child is given a voters weight of 2 votes. The weight of the votes breaks down like this:

2,500 – Vatican Cardinals
500 - Cardinals
100 - Bishops
50 – Priests
25 - Missionaries
15 - Deacons
12 – Monks in practice
9 – Monks in training
8 – Wedded father
7 – Wedded males over 33
5 – Wedded males up to age 33
4 – Wedded females of any age past Confirmation
3 – Unwed males of any age past Confirmation
3 – Wedded mother
2 – Unwed woman of any age past Confirmation
1 – Unwed mother

Once the votes are cast, and they are usually cast by placing a mark on a simple ballot using a Church writing instrument called a Pluomb which is very similar to a plume but writes with an ink from the juice of the holly plant. Once completed, the votes are counted in the rectory and the numbers hand carried to the Bishop who in turn passes his totals to the Cardinals and so on. Once all the votes are collected they are reviewed in the Vatican by the Holy Council of Papal Reveal, an assembly of Cardinals chosen by the former Pope. Once in agreement, the new Pope is announced and the selected monk is transported to his new home in Vatican City where he will spend his time becoming acquainted with the issues of the hour and take on his new name. All Popes are given new names to represent the life they leave behind for the gargantuan responsibilities they now owe to the global flock of Roman Catholics.

And that’s how it’s done. I hope that this helps to shed some light on the mysteries of the Church of Rome. Again, I don’t follow the faith anymore, so I will not be voting. But if I chose to I could do just that. If I were more of a hypocrite I’d go to Holy Cross and place my vote for Brother Select Francis Gianni Collici. He's only 42 and has already served on three missionaries and is believed to have the healing gift. We could use a Pope who can sanctify the body beyond illness.