Just Off Center

So I have this friend who is in his late twenties and is still a virgin. I’m talking about a guy friend who has never had sex, not one of those chicks who fucked the varsity squads of three separate sports in high school and is now a “born again” virgin. We’re talking about a red blooded, straight man who simply has never had sexual intercourse with a girl. As far as I know he’s never even been blown before. Actually, he’s also a friend of Nina’s (as all my friends inevitably are). Nina has a tendency to get guys to admit things to her that they don’t admit to me. So he actually told Nina and she told me. But I’m not entirely sure I’m supposed to know.

Now I’m left with a tough choice to make. You see, things are different now that I’m 28. When I was 23 I knew a few guys who still hadn’t done it yet. I just figured they were waiting or more likely, they just had no game. But it was ok, because there were still plenty of girls out there who were also minimally experienced at banging. Eventually they would find some girl of equal or greater inexperience to fumble around with and try to figure out what goes where. We all have to learn somehow.

But now I’m coming up on thirty. It’s just not endearing anymore. I decided a long time ago that I would never again take a girl’s virginity. There was simply too much baggage to carry along with it. And I remember the girl who took mine too. I fell deeper in love with her for no apparent reason. Aside from the fact that she would occasionally let me feel the inside of her vagina, we really didn’t have a whole hell of a lot keeping us together. And I was only fifteen. Now this guy is almost twice that age and still hasn’t boned yet. It’s like a bomb with a lit fuse.

My first inclination was to take him to a whorehouse. I could easily just drive up certain streets and pick up some rent-a-snatch for the market value of a crack rock, but that wouldn’t teach him anything. Nina said that he wanted to lose it with a girl he was in a relationship with. My point is that such a relationship at this age simply cannot stand the crack of a horrible lover. Every guy needs to learn the basics of sexual motor skills. Otherwise when he finally beds a woman legitimately she’ll kick his ass to the curb and go jaunting off to some real dick. Women aren’t the “only the heart matters” sort of creatures he, and most other male virgins, think they are. Most women have had a few lovers. Some they kept around for a while, teaching them how to use their bodies in bed. But undoubtedly, most girls have come across guys who have made several fundamental mistakes. At this point I’m betting my friend would make at least four.

HEY I’VE NEVER HAD A GIRL’S HAND ON MUH OH UNNNNGH!!! – Control does not come naturally. You think that seventeen-year-old boys are capable of getting 200 erections a day because they’re skilled? It’s the law of averages. That thing’s got a hair trigger on it, and will go off at the slightest of vibrations. If a guy can’t keep himself from coming before he’s even seen her clit, how the fuck can he expect to please her enough to stay with him?

WITH WATER? NO WAY, IT’LL GET WET! – You know how you women just intuitively feel that need to make sure that you’re clean and fresh down there? You know how dirty you feel when you’re on your period and how you feel better after it’s over and you’ve used all your soaps and sprays and whatever? Well we’re not like that. We wash it as much as our shoulder blades. We may not be using soap. We grow shrubs around our dick before we even think about trimming. We may not even be realizing the potential hazards of wiping back to front. So when you go down on us, it’s always going to be a leap of faith. Now, having had a few blowjobs in my life, and having given enough head to develop vibro skills in the back of my neck, I can appreciate how nice it is to go down on a fresh, clean, soft scented groin. Virgins don’t. Fromunda cheese anyone?

PAINTING THE FENCE – The theory behind sucking a man’s dick is a fairly simple one. You just need to take this stick looking part of him in your mouth and start sucking on it while moving your head up and down on it. Sure there’s a lot more to it than that, but the basic theory is easily grasped. Now look a vagina in the face and tell me what to do. On first attempt most guys will start darting their tongue in and out like some small, soft penile substitute. Others will just start taking these long, broad strokes like they were weatherproofing your vulva. Bad head can be a non-negotiable aspect of sex. And we boys don’t practice on fruit.

SQUARE PEG, ROUND HOLE – So you’ve finally managed to get on top of her. Good for you. But it’s not all in the bag yet. The first time you mount a girl, you have to do a little bit of digital recon work before making that first thrust. Everything is usually in relatively the same place. But depending on the package you’re bringing to the table, that margin of error can drop to millimeters fast. You girls have been there when you’ve got a big guy, his full weight on top of you, just poking the shit out of that delicate area. You really have to use some concentration and desire to learn to master this skill. Right off the bat things aren’t going right. And what a confidence booster it is when she has to reach down and slide it into position for you. Plus if he’s not careful he could make a beeline straight for the asshole. That rarely goes over well.

JACK THE HAMMER – I doubt that there’s a girl I know who hasn’t had at least one guy who they thought would be good in the sack, and ended up fucking like he was being paid by the thrust. Fast and furious, hard and unloving, merciless and selfish. These are ways to describe that move where an inexperienced lay will get on top of you, enter you in the traditional sense, and then proceed to slam his cock into you twelve times per second. The only good part about this is that this kind of sex rarely lasts more than thirty seconds. I mean, there are times when I’ll just decide to start pounding Nina with absolutely no regard for her comfort or pleasure, but that’s only before or after I’ve given her all she wants or needs. It’s different than the guy who just says, “here’s some cock! RAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” Speaking of saying things…

BABY, YOU’RE PUSSY’S JUST LIKE WARM ROAST BEEF – Dirty talk is a subtle art. You have to take the sensations you’re feeling, translate them into some kind of erotic poetry, gauge your partner’s probable response to it, and then let it loose without ever losing your rhythm. You have to be careful what to say. The aforementioned dirty talk may sound technically true on one point or another, but that girl’s going to start comparing her own vagina to sliced roast beef. That’s never good. A virgin simply doesn’t have any idea how to talk to a girl he’s nailing. The only thing that builds that is time and experience. Otherwise he’s just going to have to remain deathly silent. That’s not exactly the sexiest move either.

YOU’LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT – Ok, so we’ve finally made it all the way to the guy coming, marking the end of sex. Because we all know sex is over as soon as the man comes. But what are you gonna do with that stuff? This is your first time ever not needing a rag or toilet paper handy. You’ve got a real live girl here. If you’re wearing a condom, then the choice is easy. But what if you’re not. We’ve already established you can’t speak to her. You’re not going to ask if she wants it in her or on her. No, you have to decide that for yourself. Assuming you aren’t trying to reproduce, you’ll probably pull out. But wait a sec. You’ve got no idea what kind of pressure and arc you’re about to produce. This may be the first time you’ve done this vertically. I’ve never met a girl who told me that semen made the best eye drops ever. Plus what if they just hate that stuff anyway. Without proper experience you may just take a horrible sexual experience and turn it into a deal breaker.

I’m actually shocked at just how fucked virgin men truly are. I’m more convinced than ever that my pal needs the services of trained professional. But he won’t. No he’ll just stand around in social situations and “make friends” with every girl he tries to court. Eventually he’ll find a girl who’s been thrown away so many times that she’ll lower the bar to a point where you could walk over it. They’ll hook up and she’ll say “Wow, that was really your first time? I can’t believe it. It was soooooo good!” It’ll be love at first awkward, fumbling, uncomfortable sight.