Just Off Center

Hey fatty! Yeah you, the big giant rotund motherfucker looking at me in the mirror. Wake up, portly! It’s time for another day of walking around and being not slim. God why the fuck do you do this to yourself every day? Each and every morning you get your wide load ass out of bed and stand right here checking out your disgusting 235-pound naked body in this mirror. What are you looking for, bubba? You think maybe if you stare long enough a chicken leg will pop out? Well it won’t. If that’s what you want you’re gonna have to make another unnecessary trip to the cafeteria and drop another finsky on the counter.

Look at you, you jelly roll fuck. What are you looking at, your abs? What abs? You’ve got a fucking skin pillow blocking any view you might have of them. Oh, you’ve been doing sit ups? Wow, how about that. You’ve actually managed to knock out forty in a single try? Damn, that’s impressive. Maybe in a few hundred years you might be able to drop a few inches of that Michelin hanging around your waist. And nice love handles, Jabba. Yeah, chicks must be oozing at the very thought of those things rippling on top of them. You nasty fucking tub!

Oh, for the love of God, are you actually checking out your arms? You think those are muscles? They’re swollen from all those worthless curls you’ve been doing, hippo! And way to go, by the way. I really love the way you avoid working on the trouble areas and concentrating on the biceps. Do that curl move again. Damn, that’s sexy. I especially love the way your bicep seems to tense up and bulge right around that breast. Wait, what was that? Holy dogshit, is that fucking tit you have there? I mean, sure it’s just the beginnings of one at best, but I thought you were a boy! What the fuck are you doing with those? How the fuck do you live with yourself, lard ass? You might want to check to make sure you still have a dick. Enjoy the view while you can, Crisco, because it’s only a matter of time before that gut starts sagging.

Don’t look at me like that. You know I speak the truth. It’s hopeless for you, just accept it. I mean what possible good can all this bicycling, crunching, lifting, and diet really do for you? You’re just gonna blow it like you always have in the past. Why put yourself through that pain again? Sure you’ll keep it up for a while. You might even stick with it long enough to drop a few hundred dollars on weights, bike accessories, workout clothes, and exercise books. Yeah, good consumerism is a great sign of a dedicated mind, dipshit. And then in the end, you’ll drop about ten pounds, grab a beer, have a seat, and watch it all come back with interest.

Hey, I’m over here. What are you looking back at the bed for, Bluto? Oh your wife? Yeah she’s great isn’t she? I mean where else in the world are you gonna find a chick who’d tell you she’d love you at any weight and keep a straight face? You think she’s actually attracted to you? You think she lays in bed every morning after you leave and thinks, “damn I sure wish I had my big, fat, sloppy, saggy husband laying on top of me right now and not the toned and tanned water guy who’s nice enough to bring my water jugs into the house for me.” Face it, spare tire, she’s settling out of love and love alone. I don’t care what kind of kind words and good dick you’ve given her in the past. Eventually she’s gonna turn the light on. Oh, she said she’d love you at 400 pounds? Well keep it up, balloon boy, only 170 pounds to go before we test that theory.

Speaking of theories, can I just ask you what the fuck was going through your head when you bought those running shoes? What fucking running are you going to be doing? Don’t take the risk, paunch; your feet might break off at the ankles. Why are you leaving the mirror, walrus, have you had enough? Oh I forgot it’s shower time. Yeah, you’d better get a jump on that. I love watching this shit. Well, I’ll say it’s as much fun as watching you do anything can be. I especially like that look on your face when you’re scrubbing your ass and gut. Is that a pained expression on your face? Are you upset at the way it feels or are you just straining to reach everything?

You know, for the life of me I can’t figure out why you shave yourself so often. I mean look at your chin. You very clearly have some sagging going on under there. It’ll be a double chin in no time. Have you no idea that you’re supposed to grow a goatee to hide that? Haven’t you seen all the other fat fucks walking around looking tough with their facial hair hiding the fact that they’re enormous rhino-asses just like you?

Oh this is a fun part too. Time to get dressed. What’s it gonna be today; the blue pleatless size 40’s with an XL shirt or the tan pleatless size 40’s with an XL shirt? That’s it, squeeze that belt another notch. You’re really fooling everybody. C’mon man, just let it go. Loosen it up a little bit and go have some breakfast. I bet you’ve got a buck in your wallet. That Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McMuffin sure does sound tasty doesn’t it. It’s a hell of a lot more interesting than those three scrambled eggs and grapefruit you’ve been tearing through each morning. Look, I know you’ve been all serious about this diet and exercise thing this past week or two, but isn’t it a lot of hard work? I mean when will you just accept that you weren’t meant to look like other guys?

And why do you get so upset when you walk with friends by girls and they all look at your friend? What do you want their attention for? You’ve already got the only woman in the world who could somehow tolerate fucking you without puking. Oh, it’s the whole self-esteem and “still having it” thing is it? Listen, chunk, you’ve got no business whatsoever having any self-esteem. Remember grade school? You think everyone on the playground mocked you because you were slightly chubby? Hell no, it’s because you were weaker then they were. You got picked on because you deserved it, Buddha. Don’t you think that carries over to today? Or are you still unable to get polish sausages off the brain.

Fine, be that way! You want to be all high and mighty with your dieting and exercise, go ahead. Just remember that I'm gonna be here in this mirror and every other every day of your fat fucking life. I'm never leaving you. And unlike most people I'll never lie to you. I'm gonna give you the straight truth, no matter how much it hurts you. And when you fail again I'm gonna be standing right here gloating and saying "I told you so". So bye now! Have a nice two hours of driving and nine hours at your desk. Enjoy your lunch. Don't forget dessert!

# posted by Mike @ 11:40 AM