Just Off Center

The other night I was sitting at the bar of our favorite Italian restaurant having a couple beers and waiting for Nina et al to arrive. As I sat on the tall stool I noticed that there was a couple at the end of the bar speaking with a friend of theirs. It was obvious that the couple was married and the man was single and dating. As I stared at their paltry selection of vodka (Absolut is NOT top shelf) I was able to tune my right ear into their conversation. It was nothing out of the ordinary. The married woman was grilling the single man on his latest conquests while the married man and woman kept making cute little jibes at each other. I was prompted to write. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my super-fucking-cool combination key chain/LED flashlight/eight-second voice recorder and recorded the following phrase: “My God, we’re annoying.”

Throughout my blog I’ve taken great pains to point out the ridiculous behavior of…well pretty much everyone. But it wasn’t until this exact moment that I realized what a burden it must be for a single person to have to sit there and spend a full meal with a married couple. I’m talking about the happily married, or at least happy enough. The ones that are on the rocks can provide a great deal of entertainment. Just watch for the “looks”. But after carefully considering what it would be like to be a single man hanging out with me and Nina I can see how it must be damned near intolerable. God, I love using bullets.

• Is this dinner or dinner theater? – One thing about most married couples, the wives in particular; they love to give their single guests a performance. When you sit there with a married couple, it is inevitable that at some point in the evening you’re going to be subjected to one of their bits. This may come in the form of a vacation story or a holiday anecdote. It will become painfully evident within seconds that this is one of their trademark endearments by the way they switch seamlessly back and forth between storytellers. They will each comment on how the other person did something really silly and probably stereotypical to the gender. The other will butt in and justify their actions. This will repeat for ten minutes. In the end you are supposed to laugh and coo over their adorableness and perfect matchedness. Based on your reaction, you may be blessed with several more of these throughout the evening. You should hear our story about the time we met. You’ll be exhausted by the time we get through the first semester.


• Oh gross, are they gonna use this material later? – I’m coming up on seven years of actual marriage with Nina. We’re good. We have our spats and issues, but we get through them. The problem is that they’re all the same old spats and issues. And while a single person’s issues are usually very boring to a married couple there’s one aspect of the single life that is always interesting…the SEX LIFE! Married couple want to hear all about who you’re nailing, how, where, when, how often, and how big the batteries were. If you’re out with a married couple, just start spouting off the most ridiculous erotica that pops into your head. They’ll be riveted to the table. It’s not that I’m going to take this mental image and replace my wife’s head or body in some masturbatory fantasy. But to a couple who have been sharing the exact same naughty bits for several years, just hearing about the existence of other naughty bits is better than 4th of July fireworks.


• Is it alright with you if I just make my own mistakes? – There is one universal truth to all married couple when it comes to the relations they have with single people. We fucking love us some advice giving! I mean you just go ahead and name any part of your life that isn’t perfect and we’ve got your solution. We’ve been there you know. We were once single and lived in a one bedroom apartment, so we know just what you need to do to take care of that eviction notice. Got boyfriend or girlfriend troubles? Don’t worry. We’re married, so we have figured it all out. And we’d be happy to tell you all about how. In fact, we goddamned insist on it. And if you should happen to be perfectly content with your life such as it is, never fear. Married couples will always be there to make you feel like you’re just settling or that you’re masking the real pain. After all, we’re married. We’ve fought so many times that we know a true look of peace and contentment. And you are not happy at all. Trust us.


• Hi Mikenina! Good to see you again – I have this (ahem) friend who is somewhat of a commitment-phobe. He never has less than two dates scheduled for any given week, regardless of how beautiful and sweet the girl he’s dating is. I can’t imagine anything that would exacerbate his fear than to spend a lot of time around married people. You know that old argument that once you get married you lose your identity? Well to an extent, it’s absolutely true. To what extent is the issue. Nina and I try to maintain our own identities. But to a single person I have no doubts that we must seem like two sides of the same coin. Two sides of the same perfect, sexy, smart, funny, and successful coin sure. But the same coin nonetheless. All of her issues become your issues. All of her fears become your concerns, and so on. And if not, they fucking well should be. But for a person still playing the field, that must look like one hell of a sellout.



Holy hell. We are fucking annoying! Nobody told me this shit was going to happen before April 17, 1998. Maybe I just wasn’t looking in the right places. Then again, if I had truly known how I would annoy the single people around me would I have gotten married at all? Oh who am I kidding? Annoying people is the very air I breathe. Now let me tell you what you need to do to deal with this situation with…