Just Off Center

So in my efforts to find some part time employment I’ve run across several limiting factors. The most prevalent of these is the availability issue. Everywhere I apply I get asked when I can work. And when I tell them I get that old “oh...ummm...this might not be a great fit for you” routine. Since when does 5:00 PM to 11:00 PM Monday through Friday and anytime on the weekends seem like a giant restriction? I’m offering up basically every free hour I have just so that I can work for low wages in some menial task and all I hear is “can’t you start work any earlier?” No, as a matter of fact I can’t. I’m indisposed before that hour.

What am I doing before 5:00 PM? Well let’s just see. I’m standing here at a fucking Fry’s grocery wearing business attire. My clothes and hair are disheveled in such a way as to suggest I’ve been in them all day and moving about. Oh, and I’m wearing my name badge from the place I’ve been at. Any clues yet, retard? I’m already employed! And this is where the problem comes up. “Oh, you’re not a student?” What the fuck does that matter? No, I’m not a goddamned student. I’m in the work force. I produce. I’m already putting my college education to practical function you condescending, late-thirties, egomaniacal twit. Doesn’t that count for anything? Don’t you think that with this experience and skill set I might be capable of restocking your Fukuoku clit stimulators?

And then I don’t get the job because I already have a job. I don’t get it. I’m reliable, professional, courteous (to people’s faces), knowledgeable, and basically fucked as proven by me filling out a fucking gas station attendant’s application. Why would it be so much better if I were a perpetually stoned college kid with no real understanding of the workings of the world?

Fuck it. I don’t have a shitload of time to devote to working your bullshit job anyway. So instead I think I’ve stumbled upon another way to make some cash. About four months ago, Nina spent a month working in a hollowed out barn in the local farm where local artists were displaying their works for sale. Nobody sold shit really. In fact, I think Nina made more money than anyone there and she didn’t contribute a drop of ink. She later used this money to help buy your truly his new best friend, a shiny new 20GB Ipod. Life has been better since.

During that time, she was affronted by many of the older artists who were looking for a way to break into the fabulous new world of e-commerce. You see, Nina is young, and therefore must be an expert in computers. However, she managed to successfully dodge that bullet. She called me from the barn to ask me some rudimentary computer or Internet related question. Once I answered it, my stature as a computer expert was solidified in the minds of the artists. And one artist in particular has dropped her website’s maintenance and future development into my lap. It’s like asking a high school Sophomore in Spanish class act as diplomatic translator for Spain.

It started when she wasn’t getting any email from the email link on her website. So after I invested about seventeen hours trying to figure it out I finally found the solution. Now she’s getting her email and I am the answer to all her prayers. I should say right now that I only know how to use a computer. I understand the very fundamental basics of html. I certainly have no experience doing any of the things she wants done. But she’s offering to pay me to do them so I accepted.

So now all I need to do is learn how to take an already published and functional website, add pictures, renew the domain name, change hosts, add links, change text, move text, create additional pages, insert popular phrases for additional search engine hits, and generate more traffic for the site. Simple right? If your answer is yes, then let me know who you are and I’ll blow you for answers to my questions. The website is controlled by some software called Cpanel. Is that supposed to help me? I tried to tell these people that I’ve never done anything like this. I told them that I’m not even sure where to begin. I basically told them to go elsewhere. But it was no use. They want me, and that’s that. Fine, I suppose I’m learning how to build and add onto a website. Hopefully it’s not as hopeless as it feels right now and I can actually get some of this done. Maybe I can get a sale or two for them. Or maybe I can accidentally delete the entire website. We’ll just see.

Dear Mom,

Nina is injured and can’t work. Sam is making shitty pay doing shitty electrical work. I’m barely making ends meet and that won’t last. Send money.

Mike

P.S.: Forget sending money. Send IT support.