Just Off Center

Over the past three years my job has moved me to several different corporations all across the country. Most of these places are pretty similar. They all have labs. They all have admin sections. They all have onsite businesses like a bank or coffee shop. However, the one that I work at right now is different in that inside the cafeteria, they offer not just house coffee, but they also serve Starbucks coffee. For those of you haven't been on this planet since 1989, Starbucks is a company that has somehow managed to convince the entire nation that they actually like, nay can't live without, their 24 ounce, espresso strength, boiling point coffee.

I love coffee. I've been in love with coffee since about age sixteen. Just like any good aficionado, there was a time when I started turning my nose up to the major label coffees and only drank freshly ground and brewed, imported coffee. I was a bit like that annoying guy at a party who walks around choking down Stone Brewery's Arrogant Bastard Ale while accosting every person in the room who can tolerate Bud Light. But after a short while I found myself in a few situations where I needed my morning fix, but was nowhere around a privately owned coffee house. I was forced to suck back the Folgers, Sanka, and Yuban. Now, Yuban is my favorite brand. Just add some International Delight French Vanilla creamer and a few Equal and I'm good to go.

Last month I stopped by our cafeteria to buy a 20 ounce house blend. It was the first Friday of the month, and they were giving away free small coffees, including Starbucks. I had drunk from the Coffee Bean and other places, but I couldn't specifically drinking a regular coffee from Starbucks. So I gave it a try. It was too strong, almost offensively so. It was way too hot. It took almost twice as much doctoring as my usual cup o' jo. But Hannibal Lecter tells me that it's important to try new things, so I sipped it down. What a jolt this stuff packs. How the fuck do American's need this level of a caffeine rush. And I love, like psychotically love, my morning caffeine. But this shit had me ready to go ten rounds with Holyfield.

The next morning something strange happened. When I wake up normally the first thoughts in my head are:

1. Good morning, penis! How can I serve you today?
2. Shit I have to go to work. Is there anything going on that's so important that I can't call in sick?
3. Whoa, I need to piss.

But this morning I was consumed with only one, all-encompassing thought:

1. I need my Starbuck's coffee!

Something was definitely wrong. Starbuck's coffee had replaced sex, sloth, and my own bodily functions as the singular desire in my mind. It occurred to me instantly that I was addicted. Whatever is in that coffee has addictive qualities. It was the last cup of Starbucks I have had to date.

Is it the intense caffeine, or has Starbucks found some way to harvest mildly narcotic and addictive coffee beans? Is it beyond a corporation of this size to attempt something like this? You may not remember this, because we all had other thoughts on our minds, but when 9/11 happened the authorities started placing people in nearby stores to rest and recuperate. When Starbucks was filled with victims, they had the audacity to force these people to buy the bottled water. They weren't "authorized" to give anything away. What does that tell you. Of course Starbucks HQ quelled the situation by publicly apologizing and putting up a million dollars into the 9/11 fund. But doesn't this speak on what kind of company this is, that they have this kind of militant control over its employees?

All I know is that after one cup, I couldn't get it out of my head. I needed my Starbucks, and not just a cup of coffee. I needed Starbucks brand coffee. So look around wherever you are. If you see someone sipping away at their overpriced green and white recycled cup, you're looking at an addict. Give them the one week challenge. If they can go one full week without a drop of Starbucks coffee, they should be adequately detoxed. They'll thank you and you will have done your part to help your fellow man and crush the institutions that seek to control us. Viva la resistance!