Just Off Center

My trusty Mozilla Bookmarks is filled with blogs of all kinds. The ones on top are my favorites and most regular reads. Somewhere in the middle are the blogs that are of intermittently entertaining content or infrequent postings. Toward the bottom are the blogs that I'm not entirely sure why I read, yet continue to click on anyway.

I won't list her blog here, because she has made me laugh on occasion, but I was cycling through the blogs this morning and came to one that had a new post entitled "Things I Hate:". It was a list of, get this, things that the blogger hates. It included things like spiders and snakes, rude people, and runny eggs. OK, fair enough. Boring as all hell but fair just the same. I can see having a list of things that you hate being a post in your blog. But shouldn't it be a list of things that you actually hate instead of a list of things that are just annoying or kind of gross?

I would have just clicked on my next favorite blog when I saw the number one thing she hates:

1. rainy depressing days unless I can stay in bed all day & watch lifetime

So this is it, huh folks? This is the worst thing that can happen? A rainy depressing day? And even that has a qualifier. Look, I don't particularly care for rainy days either. In fact I've grown quite accustomed the weather in Arizona, sunny and hot. But to say that this is the number one thing on a list of things to hate just tells me that this person has one blissful fucking life. I can just picture her during that rainy day sitting on the bench by her window, and you know she has one. As the rain comes down in sheets pounding against her aluminum siding she looks out with a morose expression as the bleak climate reminds her of those nights she sat by the phone listening to Richard Marx while waiting for "him" to call. And you know he never did.

But what really gets my goat about this is that the day can be made better by watching Lifetime Television for Women. Maybe it's just the testosterone talking, but I can't see why anyone would watch this shit. Every show is the same. And not one of them has even one foot in the doorstep of reality. I watch action movies. I like superhero stories. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to sit around wishing I was Commando or The Green Lantern. That would take away from my awareness of my life as it truly is.

Plus, Lifetime shows aren't even happy. The same character is played by a different actress on the downslope of her career. I bet I can write a storyline for a Lifetime movie without even trying. And just for kicks we'll do it Mad Libs style. Here's how it goes:

In the city of (warm metropolitan suburb) there lives a beautiful woman with a beautiful husband and the perfect life. Her name is (white girl name) and her husband's name is (one-syllable power-tie sounding name). She enjoys her life as a (independent "you go girl" career or housewife), her friends with whom she only sees while out for brunch or power walking, and her perfect relationship with her (power tie job) husband who brings her flowers, talks about his feelings and cuddles and nuzzles her without sexual expectation.

One day while (domestic task accomplished during lunch hour) she hears her husband's voice on the other side of the (partition within store). Out of curiosity she sneaks a peek through, and to her shock and emotional destruction she sees him (something that would be a sin for non-married couples) with a younger and prettier woman. Instead of facing him right then she drops her (potential purchase + self esteem) and runs out of the store. She finds the nearest ladies room where she bawls uncontrollably over the sink for a while and then slowly lifts her head up to face the mirror. There she is, her face dripping with makeup symbolic of her mask of her life being removed. She finds her womanly strength and walks out to execute her already completed, intricate plan to (means of getting back at her husband).

Cut to the next day. She kisses her husband goodbye and goes out in her new suit. She starts kicking ass at work and exercising. She is reborn unto herself. After being mistreated by her older and abusive male boss she (something completely inappropriate) and storms out swelling with pride. On her way out to her (domesticated, but trendy car) she bumps into (guy from about ten years ago). He can't believe how beautiful and strong she is. Her options are expanding. Cut to eight minute string of commercials on tampons, makeup, shoe sales, and douche.

An hour of meaningless plot building ensues. She is now the owner of (company that allows her to express her art and skills) and has left her husband at some indeterminate point. She enjoys spending time with her new guyfriend at (dinner, movies, walking, etc.). When the husband tries to bankrupt her new company and destroy her all over again she (pulls off completely unrealistic twist to destroy him). As he leaves the (boardroom or other conference location) he gives her a beaming look of newfound respect, puts on the slightest of smiles and exits.

The final scene puts her in (airport, dock, or other place she can begin her European vacation) where she shares one true love's kiss with her new guy who is constantly pumping her full of compliments like she's his last chance of ever getting laid. She calls her best friend whom we haven't heard from since all the boy troubles and gives her complete control over the company until her return. As she starts walking to her (airplane or whatever) the movie goes slow-mo and (newest girl power pop song) starts to play. The camera remains stationary as she walks in victory right past it. Cut to credits at the moment the chorus begins.

The End