Just Off Center

Kessler Consulting Services is now open for business! For a variable and modest fee I will tell you my opinion on anything ranging from music, television, movies, and anything else ya got. My credentials include experience with paid surveys and just generally being right about everything, especially when it's a matter of opinion. Want to know if your boyfriend is cute enough for you? Interested in finding out if you should admit in public that you loved Troy? Perhaps you are unsure what pop music you should be listening to. Just throw me a few Hamiltons and I'll take away all of your confusions.

A few months ago I was cold called by Arbitron Ratings, the company that provides ratings to radio stations. They asked me to keep a log of my listening habits for a week. I was originally going to do it just for the hell of it. But then when the log came in the mail it came complete with two crisp and fresh one dollar bills. I was officially a compensated participant. I filled out the log and had fun doing it. I wrote down the radio stations I listened to and during what times. I made sure to include the hours that Howard Stern is on. On the back side of the log there was a section for me to fill in some notes. I used every line commenting on the length of commercial breaks, the habit of DJs to cut off the intros and endings of songs with their meaningless banter, and how annoying one other morning show DJs laugh is. I haven't heard that repulsive, high-pitched whine of a laugh since. That's right bitch, do my bidding! At the end of the survey I sent it in and went on with my life. A week later I got a letter of appreciation from Arbitron with, you guessed, two more brand new dollar bills. SCORE!

So I felt pretty good about doing my part to improve the quality of the radio programming I listen to. Knowing that my voice represented thousands of other listeners was pretty cool too. Then last Thursday as I got in the door I got a call from some other company asking me to participate in their survey. This one was a survey of my opinion on specific songs. It was going to be two and a half hours long on Tuesday night in downtown Phoenix. I might have done it for nothing, but then they told me that I would be compensated to the tune of sixty bucks. Sixty fucking clams? I'm in. And it was a really cool survey too.

It was me and about fifty other white men in their twenties in a Hilton board room. They gave each of these little radio transmitters about the size of an Ipod with a keypad, digital LED display and a 3/4 turn know on the side. They had us enter 1 through 9 on some questions to identify ourselves. Then came the music. They played the "hooks" for a shitload of songs, three to five seconds each, fifty at a time. We had to turn the knob to make the display read 0 to 100 based on how wee liked each song. In total, we heard samples of about 650 songs, mostly hard rock to metal with some classic rock thrown in for good measure. I cranked it up to 100 whenever I heard Rage or NIN. But what felt really great was turning it down to 1 whenever I heard shit that I just can't stand anymore like 411, most ACDC, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers (sorry Nina...they suck). They had us cramped in pretty tight so we were all surreptitiously monitoring our neighbors' scores. The guy on my left loves contentless, poppy garbage. Based on my observations, the guy on my right just hates music altogether. I mean, who gives Slaughter the same score as Linkin Park? At the end they had a DJ from Sirius radio stand up and thank us for helping them out. Then they gave us our checks and home we went.

Now this morning I come in to find an email from Nielsen Media Research. Yes that's right, Nielsen...the big boys who decide what television shows stay on and which ones fall off the face of the Earth. They are asking me to keep a log for a week of what TV shows I watch, and they're going to pay me with a twenty dollar gift card to Amazon. I filled out a practice log in which I listed the only show I watched yesterday as Gilmore Girls (you're welcome, Nina). They'll email me the official log by this Friday. I wonder if they're at all interested in how much time in that week I spend playing Halo 2.

However, a small problem does exist. You see, I don't really watch too much television at all. In fact, I pretty much hate television shows. I don't watch Lost. I detest Friends. I hate the O.C. and One Tree Hill. I have never seen a single episode of Angel. I don't even know what shows are out there. The only shows I even try to watch are Gilmore Girls and Next Top Model. Don't say a word. But it seems a tremendous waste for me to just toss away this opportunity to give that shot in the arm to shows that might need it. So for one week and one week only I am offering my services to you, the general television viewing public. For a modest donation of five dollars I will add your favorite show to my list of viewed programs. Hell, I may even watch it just to see if it's any good. Email me for PayPal information. I can understand that this might be just a tad dishonest, maybe even deceptive. My counter argument? Fuck it, pay me.


Once this is over I wonder what will be next. It seems that my opinion's star is on the rise. I stand here as a representative of thousands and thousands of pop culture addicted drones. The power! The absolute power!