Just Off Center

Last night Nina and I saw some of the cutest little kids ever. We had only planned on handing out candy to the kids at the door, but Nina's love for holiday celebration got the best of her. Halloween used to be my very favorite holiday. What other holiday is celebrated mostly at night and involves the acceptance of all unhallowed thoughts and actions for one night only. The candy is pretty cool too. Nina never liked Halloween. She has a brief but sad tale about how she was told that she's too old to go trick or treating. She was actually just a very tall kid. She cried. Halloween has since been off limits for celebration, which sucks because it was my favorite. I think yesterday may have changed her mind a bit.

Nina got home from her last night of working for the psychotic on Saturday. I was at a concert and didn't see until I got home that night that she had brought home a pumpkin. Apparently Nina is starting to take on the habits of her hubby and helped herself to a little souvenir from the farm. She wanted us to carve it together and put it outside for the kids to see. I agreed, drew up some faces, decided what to carve, and went to work. It was actually quite a lot of fun. It looked scary and cool. I convinced Nina to use a candle with a fragrance that is the girliest in the house.

Only about 75 percent of the candy purchase (not including the total annihilation of the 1st batch) made to the candy bowl. Nina and I kept a few delectables for ourselves of course. Later, Nina decided that when the kids start to show up that she'd like some scary music to be playing in the background. So we spent a couple hours downloading and burning scary sounds and horror movie themes. And then there was nothing to do but wait for the kids. I put on a wig and played the cd. The kids didn't start showing up until dusk. Some were cute, some were stupid looking. There were about five or six boys that didn't bother to dress up at all. And what the fuck kind of parent lets their kid go trick or treating with a goddamned plastic grocery bag? That's just ghetto.

While we were in bed last night, right before smoking that ass, Nina commented on how all of this trick or treat kid stuff would probably just make a friend of our want to have kids more. We have a few friends who want kids, or at least just go along with the fact that they're supposed to want kids, and don't yet have one. I personally don't see the draw about reproduction. I know I've heard a mob of parents tell me that they wouldn't trade their children for anything and that it is the most fulfilling thing they've ever done. Whatever. Good for you. Now quit trying to convince me to join your club. So for those of you who are on the fence, here are some reasons to stick to childlessness.

1. CHILDREN ARE EXPENSIVE - It will cost you about $500,000.00 dollars to raise a child born in 2005. That's if both parents are around, the child grows up lower-middle class to middle class and attends a public college. If your honors student meets his potential and attends a real university you'll be spending about $700,000.00 per rugrat. And this is just for one. Do the math and take the pill.
   
   
2. CHILDREN CHANGE RELATIONSHIPS - I know several couples who have seen their once tender, respectful, loving relationships go straight to shit once the focus was shifted away from being happy to making baby happy. But for the nonbelievers, I'll ignore them and go straight to the ones who are still happily married after raising kids. Good for you! But can you agree that having children did put significant strain on your romance and definitely altered the nature of your relationship. Raising kids is a business. You and your spouse are partners in that business. Is that relationship the one you want more than unadulterated, one-for-the-other, passionate love?

3. YOU'LL BECOME AN ASSHOLE - Parents are annoying, even parents know this. You will take pictures and videos of every mundane facet of your kid's life. You will associate yourself with the groups and teams your kid joins. You will place an unnatural amount of importance and basis of self-worth on your kid's accomplishments. You will bore and annoy all those non-parents around you. You will become a boring, child-fetished shell of your former self. Your child's success will be the only justification for your behavior, which brings me to...

4. YOUR KID WON'T ADD UP TO DRY SHIT - Do you know how many presidents of the United States there are? With a 35 year window between eligibility and senility your kid has only nine chances, and that's supposing there are no second terms. Your kid will not cure cancer, fly the space shuttle, win the Superbowl, or achieve any number of things that you think he or she is capable. You know what kids are? They're you...little versions of you and the emotionally fucked person who donated their egg or sperm. Look at your life. That's going to be theirs.

5. YOUR CHILD WILL DESPISE YOU - If you've ever thought "I'll raise my kids different than I was raised" you are probably going to do as much damage as was done to you. Chances are that your parents didn't routinely beat you or extinguish cigars on your forehead. Whatever angst you have about your rearing is because you are a selfish, unevolved prick. Your kid will be a selfish, unevolved prick too. No matter what you do, your kid will resent it and demand more. And when they grow up and have kids of their own, they'll get to go through the same misery you inflicted on your parents. Fun!

6. THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR FAMILY NAME - Are you a Ford? A Kennedy? How about a Vanderbilt? Not even a Hilton? No, well then I guess your family hasn't accomplished anything other than the purchasing of a prefab house in the 'burbs where they retreat after a week of dronelike and meaningless servitude. If you want to have a kid to carry on your family name, just realize that neither you nor any of your ancestors have ever amounted to anything. Even if they did, they'd probably be really disappointed in you. Let it go. Just let it go.

I could go on and on about this stuff. Look, we all feel that biological clock ticking. And we all feel like our kids would somehow be different. But they aren't. You're going to hurt your kids and they're going to hurt you right back. The love you share may be beautiful, but is that what you're missing in life? If so, just look at the person you woke up with and try a little harder. If you've always wanted kids, this is not meant for you. It applies to you too, but it isn't meant for you. It's you folks who aren't yet sure, or who have a partner or spouse who's thoughts differ from your own who I am talking to. Just wait a while. Freeze an egg is you must. Better yet, just start selling them. You women can make good coin for your eggs. If you sell about 125 of them you might just be able to afford raising one. But they'll still be selfish, bratty, insignificant, bullied, ungrateful, spoiled little versions of you, complete with everything you hate about yourself and your partner. Happy Monday!