Just Off Center

Do you know why arteries clog and people have heart attacks? Forget all that medical explanation bullshit you've been spoon-fed all your life. I'm almost certain that I've discovered the true cause behind the biggest killer in the world. And not surprising, the cause is rooted in the people around you.

The real reason why people need heart bypass surgeries is simple: As our blood is swimming around through our veins it can vaguely make out the things that people are saying to us, much like listening underwater. As the years progress the blood cells adapt and are able to make out with perfect clarity the conversations we have. As happens with stupendous regularity some dumbass schmuck will say something of unearthly stupidity and the blood hears this too. The smarter of our little red and white swimmers come to a complete stop in a collective "what the fuck" and look at each other in confusion and frustration.

As they get older, they just can't take the inane babbling of others anymore and seek to add a barrier between their cute little blood ears and the rest of the world. The best way to do this: surrounding themselves with a bunch of natural fat from elsewhere in the body, coating them like gelatinous ear muffs. And as more and more workweeks pass the coated cells multiply until they start jamming up in the canals. Then either they are given a new route through bypass surgery, or they make the heart just fucking explode. The latter, while extreme, does give the poor little blood cells a permanent reprieve from ever again having to hear the imbeciles of the world. So it's not all bad.

Now whenever a guy goes in for a medical examination that reveals a blockage, one of the first things that is done is the factors that helped create the blockage are identified and a plan is set to eliminate or minimalize these factors. The doctors will tell you to change your diet or get more exercise or other things. Even though I've discovered that the doctors are all full of shit I still believe that this is a good step toward a cure. You must identify those things that get your blood cells' attentions and eliminate them so they don't put on a fatty idiot-proof vest. Make your own lists. Here's mine:

1. "Nother" - I'll say this one time. Nother is not a word. You know this non-word, right? It's used by damn near everyone. It is preceded almost every time by the word "whole". That's a whole nother story. I hear it and I develop a 5% blockage to my right atrium.
   
   
2. Improper use of "I" - I would like to commend people who take steps to incorporate good grammar into their everyday speech. But for those of you out there who once heard that they were supposed to say I instead of me and have implemented this policy language-wide, I hope you choke on a spatula. It's simple. You take out the other pronoun and see which one fits, "I" or "me". Then you put the other pronoun back. See how simple? You people are just killing I.
   
   
3. "Have a good one" - Have a good what? A good day? A good week? A good pap? A good ass rape? If you don't give enough of a shit to think of some specific part of my life that is good, then don't bother saying anything to me at all. You get this a lot at cash registers.
   
   
4. Noises as emotions - There was this really blah guy once who was totally like eww, and he was all heeyyy like to my friend July, who by the way is just totally nguh! So she gets all awwww and I was like pfft and just left. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
   
   
5. Morning radio show laughter - So Nutty Bob, do you know why J-Lo crossed the road? No, Jagger, why? To get to the other side of her own ass! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh my GOD that was funny! HAHA I'm pissing my pants! I'm actually pissing in my pants! Look at all the pant piss! HAHAHAHA!!!
   
   
6. Hang-ups on my answering machine - I used to have a simple and quick message to save time on my callers' ears. It was about five seconds. But I was plagued with hang-ups. It was so annoying I changed my greeting. Now it's about thirty seconds long. You've got time to put the phone down, go take a piss, come back, and hang up before the beep. But sure as shit 50% of all my messages are just a click, ten seconds of silence, and then a dial tone. This one causes an instant murmur.
   

There are many more I'm sure, but I wouldn't want to give away the entire recipe for my own personal Kryptonite. But I'll just say that if all of these things were to happen simultaneously, it's completely possible that my entire circulatory system could rip itself out of my body and start running away screaming. As it stands right now, especially where I work, I've got maybe another twelve years before I need a full transplant. I know I'm not alone here. Sound off. What did I miss?