Just Off Center

The crown jewel on my Freshman year in high school was my election as class Treasurer. It was a last minute decision to make my name known throughout my class of about 150 students. I had only one opponent and one week to prove my abilities. My Achilles' heel was that I had no experience whatsoever in treasuring. I was in remedial algebra. And my opponant was, as a freshman, already in advanced trigonometry. My edge: wit, evil, and a complete disregard for fair play.

The Monday before the election on Friday, all those running for office were allowed to put up posters and flyers to build up their names. It was all the usual puns and plays on words. Girls put up their cutesy little posterboards with hearts and cut-out pictures of the White House. Every last name was desperately matched with any word that rhymed to make a campaign slogan. It seemed to be your average advertising effort, similar to the roadside banners for real elections. Also like real elections was the way that the competition's posters were positioned directly next to, or sometimes on top of, the other guy's posters. Otherwise all seemed to be going al ong in good taste.

Well there was no way in hell I was allow this to continue. And so began a barrage of "minimally justifiable defamation tactics" against my smarter, better qualified, and socially awkward opponent. The posters went up with slogans like:

"Treasuring isn't Trigonometry. Overqualification hurts us all!"
"Would you trust Kevin with $5.00? How about $500.00!"
"Don't you want a Treasurer you can relate with?"
"Vote for Kevin, and there may not even BE a yearbook"

After these little seeds of doubt were planted in the mind of our classmates I awaited the immanent backlash from my competition. This retribution never came. The young fool just stuck with his affirmations that he was the best man for the job. What a schmuck! Who told him that had anything to do with it? And as the week drew on I noticed that people were starting to know who I was and calling out my name in the halls. I'd smile and give the ever-impressive finger gun/wink combo. As Kevin worked his way through the halls with books and his little 4.00 GPA, you could feel the swell of approval switch from the best man to the best guy.

But victory wasn't certain yet. I needed to across to my people that not only was I the best person to fill this position, but that if they elected Kevin they'd go broke, catch Herpes and their mothers would be raped by wolves. Well if there was a time to get that point across it was on election day, during the hour of speeches that all of the runners gave to the whole class. I was always good at giving speeches. And being a natural ham, I had learned to draw the crowd into an emotional frenzy with my choice of words. Since this speech couldn't really disclose how utterly unqualified I was, I was going to have to rely on other methods of persuasion.

Namely, disinformation, empty promises, and defamatory ranting! I referenced my older brother who was a senior and a starting running back for the football team. I promised new pads for all the athletes to draw in the popular jock vote. It was still summer so I promised more fans to get the rest of the class. I cheered on our football team for their upcoming game that night. I talked about how everyone knew me and that I was a stand-up guy. That way those people who didn't know me would vote for me rather than admit that they don't know me, thus lowering their coolness.

Then all that could be done was done. There was little more to do but go to class, vote at lunch, and wait for the results in seventh period. It was a very long day, but suddenly people were rooting for me in public. They didn't seem to care that I had neither the means nor the inclination to follow through on any of my promises. They considered my posters to be clever, not overly harsh. And by the end of the day the intercom announced that yours truly had been elected freshman class treasurer. The swell of pride in my accomplishment was unforgettable.

After school I strutted to my locker where I was met by my former competitor and now sullen and defeated opponent, Kevin, who shook my hand and congratulated me on my victory. This was definitely the low point of my day. But a fifteen year-old has a way of getting over these things quickly enough. I went home and celebrated.

Over the course of the next few weeks I attended these unbelievably boring student council meetings that took place after school of all times. Once I realized that I had gotten everything out of the position that I wanted and that the two girls elected president and vice president would probably just cover for me anyway, I stopped attending these meetings and went on with my life. Do I feel regret that I used such tactics to win the votes of my peers? A little bit perhaps, but I won nonetheless. And from the look of things, I had an almost preternatural skill for campaigning, if I hold the tactics of our nation's leaders as examples.

The role of class Treasurer has since fallen off of my resume in the wake of other accomplishments, but I still remember that week fondly when an unknown underdog took on the perfect fit for the job and came out on top. And I wouldn't worry about Kevin. He graduated high school a year early and is probably sitting in some think tank planning world events and plotting my assassination.