Just Off Center

When it comes to my sex life, I'd have to say that my level of satisfaction is like a sinewave, up and down. Of course there's more to that wave than just the peaks. There's the trip up and the trip down as well. But at the moment I have to say that my libido is being well cared for. Nina is a very generous lover, despite her backpains. In fact I have to say that I am probably getting more sex than most any man I know, married or otherwise. And the sex is almost always fantastic. She's there for the long, four-shot nights and the "shut up and be my bitch" quickies that boost the ego so well. What is it about that bit of degredation of my lover that makes me feel so damn awesome. Is it power, or control, or just some vindictive part of myself that needs an outlet? I can't say, but this is certain: Nina gets it. She gets what I'm about and what I like.

Case in point. During a weekend of love Nina and I had about two years ago, she came up with the absolutely brilliant idea of sitting me down in the computer chair and encouraging me to look up internet porn while giving me a blowjob. How sinful and incriminating. This was the meshing of two things that I would have never considered possible. In the end I found myself somewhat distracted by the mouse clicking and searching and just settled for one hot missionary pic I found and focused on that. Afterward I felt ruined for internet porn. She had effectively faced the eenmy and beat the living shit out of it. It was like bringing a second woman into bed with us, but ending up throwing her out before the first money shot.

The event was only one of many times that Nina has surprised me with her imagination and will to be unique and exciting in (or out of) bed. Every one of these events is a memory. And that's the great thing about memories, they can always be revisited.

Like most men I know, I jerk off on a fairly regular basis. I do this because I love it. I help myself to a loving tug even when I'm getting laid regularly. It just so happens that it is a helpful practice for getting through those times when I'm not. Now unlike women, who tend to imagine scents, colors, music, and the feels of different cloths, I require little more than my memory and imagination. But it never hurts to have some porno handy to move things along. Well that's deceptive. I don't use porn because it helps me cum faster. I use it because I love to watch women having sex and that gets me off.

Unfortunately, Nina doesn't quite get that wanting to watch other women engaged in sex has absolutely no bearing on me wanting to have sex with other women. As far as I'm concerned, porn and cheating couldn't be further apart. And most men I know feel the same way. Perhaps many women fail to make that connection, or rather that disassociation. And it isn't hard to see their point. Most women don't ever get themselves off looking at a picture of a dick, just a dick with nothing else to imagine. But a man can stare a vagina or a pair of tits, hell even a woman's ass and just start yanking away.

Nina has caught me jacking off several times. I say caught because I tend to keep that act to myself. I don't particularly like doing it in front of her for several reasons. First, I think a masturbating man looks like a totally pathetic jackass. A woman masturbating is sexy as hell. I think most women would even agree to that. But men just look like dinks. Second, it's a practice that I engage in alone, and therefore I should be alone when I'm doing it. It just feels wrong to have her there unless she's participating by letting me touch her or talking dirty to me or allowing me to cum on her body.

Third, jerking off is based in fantasy and memory for me. And it seems quite unnatural to be doing that when there's a real live woman right there. While jerking off my mind is ablaze with thoughts of all kinds, naked pictures I'd seen when I was 13, that first time I came, or when I lost my virginity. But mostly it's a montage of scenes that Nina gave me for the memory banks. I remember great times like when Nina got on top of me and rode me until I came inside her for the first time or when she covered her whole body up with the bedsheets except for her pussy and let me just have at her as though there was nothing more to her. But I also think of more romantic times, and I too can remember smells and colors. The hardest part about jerking off is focusing in on one memory long enough to get the job done. It's like a slot machine with every wheel covered with all of this sex that I've had and I have to pick out the best one.

By the way, isn't it odd how women have just accepted blindly that sex is over when the man comes, with little or no regard for her? I would think that if women made a few more rigorous demands of men to perform after cumming, we'd learn to be much better lovers fast.

But I've strayed off course. A few times, Nina has caught me jerking off while looking at porn, and the result wasn't pretty. I'm not just talking about the absolute humiliation of being caught head-handed. Nina was livid. She considered my use of porn to get me off tantamount to cheating, or some lesser but still serious form of betrayal. This had me terribly perplexed. How could she not know? She knows men jerk off. She knows that men like porn. She knows that other men jerk off to porn. Why am I so different? Why should this external stimuli be seen as some kind of competition? To this day, it has gone not entirely resolved. Nina feels that the online porn is the most terrible, and I understand that. Though I feel I should say I've never participated in cybersex in any way nor been to a live sex site or webcam. But most men I think have downloaded some clips of random chicks getting logged and felt the need to tame the beast. But Nina hates it, end of story. And so I've settled into abstaining from viewing porn of any kind when I jerk off. I love my wife and that's not too much of a sacrifice to make for her trust. Besides, I still have a ton of great memories.

Still, it seems strange that she should enjoy watching pornos with me. Though I'd hate to bring that up for fear that she'd see that that is contradictory and resolve the matter by never watching porn with me again.