Just Off Center

This past weekend an ex-friend of mine went to see the new Michael Moore film, Fahrenheit 9/11. He was always one of those really lame liberal bastards who would probably want to set Saddam free so that he can continue to plunder and murder. Anyway, afterward he comes over to my house to have a shot of Jack Daniels and some PBR, a true American drink and he starts getting all on his soapbox about how President Bush is a liar and a thief and how the 9/11 attacks had nothing to do with Iraq.

Now if this weren't a friend of mine and if he didn't still owe me ten bucks I would have shoved his corpse into a 2 cubic food crate and shipped him off to Lybya to be with his terrorist friends right then. But instead I cracked open another can of pure American red, white, and blue-blooded Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and asked him to explain his side of things. And then, being a complete communist fucktard, he actually started talking to me about foreign policy and other shit. What an idiot, he actually thought I gave a shit to hear his commie, bleeding heart side of the story. It was all, "blah blah blah stolen election, blah blah Iraq, blah blah dead civilians."

At this point my head started to hurt from all the thinking his mouth was forcing me to do. So I crushed my beer on my forehead and screamed, "listen bitch! If you hate America so much why don't you take the next flight out! Maybe you can get killed trying to hijack the plane on your way, pussy! In your face!" That flamer just dropped his jaw and stared at me, no doubt in shock of how close my ass-ripping just hit home. Then he got all quiet and told me that I was entitled to have my own opinion. In my own house he told me this, that insolent fuck. So I told him that's why the leftist pussies will always lose, because they allow other people to have opinions. Then I knocked his beer over and let my cats slurp up the patriotic goodness.

Now he was getting the idea that he and his people would always and forever get their shit stomped in by me and my clan. So he got up all slow like he was afraid that I was going to give him a career ending colon blow, which of course I was. While still looking warily at me, I gave Nina the cue and, without hesitation, she climbed up the entertainment center and gave him a flying elbow to the back of the neck. Normally Nina's not the violent type, but the bitch knew she was under orders. Once he came to and started crying about the pain in his neck I asked him if he thought I was being too hard on him. This fucking guy falls for everything. Before he had the chance to whimper out an answer I picked Nina up by the hair, twirled her over my head and smashed her hip into his spine. The force instantly caused his back to snap and his body to fold in half in a hilariously unnatural way.

Later that night, when his shrieks of misery started to lose their appeal, I had the cats drag him outside so the coyotes could have the rest of his broken body for dinner. Another commie, terrorist bitch handled by the glorious right. Nina and I shared a cup of Jim Beam and laughed like all-American jackals as the beasts tore his flesh off. Damn I love this country!