Just Off Center

The other morning Nina had a bad dream. Like most of her nightmares it included all the cussing, crying, and yelling that you may have seen in some Hollywood dream sequence. It always ends with me shaking the fuck out of her to wake her up and tell her that she was having a bad dream.

“It was just a dream, honey. Just a dream. No bad things happened, everything’s just fine. I love you. It was just a dream.”

Last night’s was no big surprise. Nina and I had gone on vacation, I don’t know where. While we were there, I just laid it on her that I was having an affair with Becky, a girl that I had been seeing (see also: using) just before Nina. Not only had I been having an affair, but I was leaving Nina for her…right then. Of course, despite Nina’s cries and screams, I just stood there stone face. I offered no explanation, no remorse, no reason, and no openness to discussion. This is how I always am in her dreams; cold, mean and heartless.

And as with all nightmares of hers I got to spend the next 24 hours or so assuring her that I wasn’t going to leave her for my fallback lay in college.

This is no new for us. You see ever since I met Nina I’ve become an integral part fo her dreams. Usually I’m the part that’s doing something terrible to her. Since we’ve met, I’ve beaten her, stabbed her, thrown her from rooftops, cheated on her with every woman who’s ever laid eyes on me, murdered her pets, run her over, cut her, and just generally been a complete dick. I am the amalgam and mergence of everything rotten and evil in her dreams.

I’ve learned to deal with this and the way she wakes up mad at me for the rest of the day when she has these dreams. I know it’s not intentional. However, lately she’s been very mindful of my interactions with the opposite sex. It could be the weight loss. It could be that I am away from home so much. It could be anything. But Nina has taken quite an interest in knowing who’s looking at me and why. Though I’ve only just begun to notice that women are looking at me more, she swears that they always did.

The other day, Nina and a friend of ours and I went to a makeup store called Ulta for some shampoo and stuff. I was really just tagging along. I don’t much like stores like that. Usually there are two reactions I get. First there’s “Oh, there’s a guy here…isn’t that cute. Look how he doesn’t know anything about any of this. That’s so cute.” Then there’s “God, I wish these men would just stay the fuck out. Why do they come in here trying to be all cute with their…man-ness!?!”

Anyway, inside the store was a young, pretty employee who was getting a makeover in the makeup section. Nina pointed out how beautiful she was and then just pouted and walked off. I didn’t pretend to understand. After the makeover was done, she was strutting around and I couldn’t help but notice that I was the only man in the store. And every direction I looked there would be eyes suddenly averted. I don’t think I was being checked out so much as the girls were all gauging my reaction to the makeover recipient. It was uncomfortable. When I left I told Nina and Vanessa about it. They hadn’t noticed a thing.

Yesterday, Nina was telling me that she doesn’t like that I’m noticing that women are looking at me more. Well, that’s not exactly the most confident or sexy reaction. But it doesn’t matter anyway. I tried to explain to her that, at most, I was just being looked at. Girls weren’t interested in me, just looking at me. Nina didn’t believe me. But I told her “Honey, if a girl is interested in you she doesn’t look away. She makes eye contact. That’s the sign to make a move”

Still I can’t deny it feels good to be looked at. Then again, I wonder if the Elephant Man shared my opinion.

# posted by Mike @ 8:26 AM