Just Off Center

A few weeks ago Nina and I were taking a hike around a mountain and just chatting. It was the kind of talking that didn’t have much to do with anything. The kind of simple banter that is mostly lost as a couple’s lives intertwine and the business at hand takes precedence. One of the things she brought up was an interest in knowing what would be on my life list. You know the life list. It’s that list of things that you’d like to do before you die. I honestly hadn’t put much thought into developing a list of things I’d wished I had accomplished prior to departing this flesh. I started wondering if doing this would give me some kind of subconscious motivation to work toward these goals. So after spending a bit of time thinking about it, I’ve come up with this list of things I’d like to do before I die.

• Write a novel and have it published nationally - I need only study and practice my English Lit skills so that I can write a story worth publishing.
• Gain financial independence - Money will always be difficult to come by. But with proper fiscal planning and budgeting, Nina and I can earn and save enough to live on without a need for additional income.
• Feel the rush that comes with a flood of applause - The next one can be achieved by some great accomplishment, be it earning an award or putting on a great performance.
• Learn to hang glide – I’ve always wanted to try this. I just can’t imagine a better way to feel free than to slip the surly bonds of gravity powered solely by my legs and a pair of wings, or in this case more of a sail.
• Save a person’s life - Saving a person’s life is more a matter of chance I guess. However, if I can turn a person around who is currently on a course of eminent destruction, I’m satisfied to check that one off.
• Visit a land no road can reach - There are still plenty of places in this world I can go where no vehicle can reach me. I just need to take the time to plan it out. Maybe I could establish my own little Fortress of Solitude.
• Grow a long beard - And as far as this is concerned, well…that’s more up to Nina than me.

That’s not too terrible is it? I’m sure I could add more if I thought about it, but I wouldn’t want to just throw in the stock filler for a list so personal. Here are some typical things that won’t be on my list.

• Fly an airplane
• Visit Europe/Asia/Africa/etc.
• Grow a crop
• Volunteer my time to the starving and sickly people of …
• Run for office
• Involve my wife in a threesome with Lindsay Lohan.

So now that I’ve looked over this first list, it’s occurring to me that it seems a little bit contrived. I mean, sure I’d like to accomplish all of these things, but is this the whole of what I’d want to do with my life? Aren’t there other things that are a bit more risqué or morally objectionable that might have been cut from the list? I think that any good list of life accomplishments should include those things that are not only difficult or even unlikely, but also that reflect our deeper, more secret desires. Perhaps I can think of a few more.

• Create an enormous explosion
• Host an orgy (I don’t even have to participate)
• Engage in mortal combat
• Steal a vast amount of wealth
• Be able to break concrete blocks with my fists
• Do ecstasy with Nina (not part of the orgy)
• Blackmail a boss of mine or government official
• Talk a person into committing suicide

There. That’s more like it. The explosion wouldn’t have to hurt anyone. I’m not a terrorist people. I just want to blow some shit up…big time. I have to amend my second one to provide that it’s more like the kinds of orgy you see on sexy pornos with attractive people and a swimming pool. The mortal combat can be with either man or beast, but it has to be a fight to the death. No sparing him or me at the moment of victory. The theft would pretty much satisfy the financial independence goal, so that’s two checkmarks in the same day. I’ll need some spare time and practice to get my arms and fists to possess that kind of power. Plus if I can do that, I’d be far more likely to get volunteers for the orgy I bet. Doing X with the wifey can happen anytime, so long as we’re both still virile. The blackmail could just be something simple, and I’d agree to hand over the evidence once my demands were met. Now as far as the last one goes, I’ve just always thought that that scene from Silence of the Lambs where Lecter talks Miggs into swallowing his own tongue was just the coolest. I’m not sure if I’d ever really go through with it. But I just feel like there would be some part of me that would be more whole if I knew I could talk a man to death, literally.

I can’t believe how horrible some of these are. I must serve the dark side I guess. So be it. Still, I believe that most people have these lists in their heads of those things they’d like to do, if only they wouldn’t be punished or maybe sent to Hell. And why not admit these things? I may never actually get to blackmail my boss. But by acknowledging how desperately I’d love to do that, perhaps I’m subconsciously guiding myself through some of the professional pitfalls that might trip me up. I may not engage in mortal combat ever in my life. But by preparing for it as something I’d love to try, I must be keeping myself sharp and prepared for whatever arrives. I guess, in some ways, having these goals allows me to have more of an effect on my life’s path than the others. I mean, what real planning can I do to gaining financial independence that would be as exciting and fulfilling as learning advanced electronics so that I can intercept the video feed from the security system of the local Fifth Third bank?

# posted by Mike @ 10:56 AM