Just Off Center

So last night I’m laying in bed flipping through the movie channels looking for some decent jack-off material and I come across a regular one-hour program on Showtime called The ‘L’ Word. It’s a show about a group of lesbians and all the lesbian things they do with their lesbian selves and their lesbian friends. I’ve never been much for watching lesbos go at each other, but I figured there might be some tits on the screen to say the least. Moaning works too. Well right off the bat the first minute of the show gives a montage of moments building up to this episode. Two of the moments show naked boobies and one of them had a girl sucking on them. SCORE!

So the first real scene comes around and we see two women in bed sleeping…nekkid. Well this might just go somewhere. They’re spooning and the one behind the other one wakes up first and starts kissing on the other girl’s shoulders and whatnot. The other girl starts to wake up, getting into the moment. Yeah right, like girls really put out like this pre-toothbrushins. But then, off screen, there’s a sudden beneath the sheets hand movement and the girl in front does that cool back arching thing with the shoulders tensing up. Lesbian one must have just went for a handful of coochie.

Now they’re definitely going to get it on. But then a couple of stupid ass little kids come burst in the bedroom and spoil the moment. The mom (the lesbian behind the lesbian) shoos them off and turns back with the determination to get laid of your average male. And what happens next? They start talking. They’re naked, spooning, one having already had a hand on the other’s clit and they decide that now’s the time to start having a fucking conversation. And it just keeps going and going. Then it cuts to a scene with another lesbian being all lezy at work in her lesbian suit. What a jip. I was so mad I started punching the remote control with my now-limp cock. Fucking lesbians. And not a fucking thing else on the tube. I had to resort to turning it off and relying on my actual memories of previous sexual encounters.

So I woke up the next morning, I’m getting dressed for work and thinking about what bunch of FUCKING RETARDS those lesbians were. I get in the car and I start thinking about the lame-ass double meaning of the title of the show. The ‘L’ Word. Whatever could that ‘L’ truly stand for? Is it Lesbian? Is it Love? Is it Leaving straight men with a flaccid dick in their hands watching naked women under covers talking about their stupid lesbian feelings? Whatever it means, it got me thinking about a bunch of other little words and phrases that make me want to reduce the people who say them to a smoldering pile of carbon.

BE A MAN – All I can think is “fuck you!” as an appropriate response to this one. Usually you hear this one come out of the mouth of some chick when a guy lacks the courage to do something that the chick also lacks the courage to do. Who the hell is some woman to tell me to be a man? I’m already a man, cunt! How would you feel if I told you to be a woman? And when would I say that anyway, when the gag reflex kicks in? Only a man should say this to another man. Like the other day when Mike and I were out on the trails and I was getting winded. He said, “Man up, bitch!” And so I did. I heaved and huffed the remaining few miles down Blevins Trail to the Guinness at the other end.

DON’T GO THERE – I really doubt that I have to spend too much on this one. There are shitload of cutesy little 90’s phrases that piss me off. But this one stems from me not knowing what it meant before everyone started saying it. I was sitting in the lunchroom with a bunch of guys I normally wouldn’t have hung out with and I noticed that this girl walking up to the snack bar was looking quite a bit heavier than usual. I noted that a Hostess Pudding Pie was the last thing she needed. The guys were apparently her friend and told me that I didn’t need to go there. Go where? Just don’t go there. Where the fuck is it you don’t want me to go? Don’t … say… that. Ooooooh. So that’s what that means. Hey fuck you and your tubby-tittied friend. I’m leaving.

YOU GO GIRL! – This should have died a long time ago. I don’t know many people who still say this, but they’re all women and they’re all about six years older than me and have dark roots. Why do we feel the need to congratulate a woman for every single mundane act of independence or successful pursuit in this condescending, trashy way? Whatever happened to a firm, open palm slap on the rear and a “Nice martini, doll. Keep ‘em coming.” Just don’t say this. When a woman does something great, just congratulate her. Saying this is like saying, “Hey great job… for a woman of course”. Every time a woman says this to another woman, the world’s collective skirt shortens by ¼ inch.

43 – have you ever read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? If so, GET OUT! Get the hell away from my blog if you’ve read that book and especially if you’ve ever used this line. This is the stupid diatribe you’ll hear from self-proclaimed intellectuals whenever someone says, “I have a question…” The big thing is, in the book, there’s this great computer that is built to answer any question. It spits out the number 43 as the answer. But it never specifies what the question was. So if you have a question, the answer could always be…43. Isn’t that clever? Kick people who say this.

QUESTION FOR YOU – Along the same lines, I get a call every day or so from a coworker in another building with an inquiry. Fine, I answer questions all day, what’s yours. Except that he never just comes out and asks his question. He prefaces every fucking one with “Ummm…got a question for you.” Why? Why not just ask me your stupid question? Should I be bracing myself for the sheer gravity of your inquiry as some lame spreadsheet? Hearing this makes me want to just say “that’s nice, someday let me know what it is – click!”

JUST LIKE – Women. Women women women women. Women, this is Mike, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? Does your gender have a genetic predisposition to trying to sound as ignorant as possible? How many times have I had to sit in cafeterias and lunchrooms listening to these hoards of females droning on endlessly about the fucking conversations they’ve already had? You’re having a conversation right now! Does it have to be a conversation about a previous conversation? And the entire time they spit out the phrase “just like” about fifty times per minute. “Shelly was just like ‘oh…my GOD’ and then I’m all like ‘yeah I know’ then Sandy comes over just like she’s invited and she’s all ‘I heard that from Kelly yesterday and she was just like’ it was a total scene’’ I’m like ‘ god who invited you over here and nice socks by the way LOL. I’m so bad.”

HE/SHE’S A GENIUS – Why, because he or she is smarter than you? Chances are that’s not a monumental feat. I’m always hearing people talk about other people like they were geniuses. Do you people even know what a genius is? Does a person’s skill at making spaghetti guarantee her an IQ of 140+? Does this guy’s ability to change your car battery out give him a predisposition for extraordinary cognitive processing? No, it means they learned how to boil water and throw in pasta and the miraculous process of “lefty loosy, righty tighty”. Every time this happens I bet Steven Hawking shits himself. Maybe not because of the whole calling a stupid person genius thing, but it probably happens a lot.

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