Just Off Center

Most people can remember exactly where they were if you ask them about their first kiss. Some people probably can tell you about, not just the place, but also the time, the feelings, and the smells and sounds. It’s a powerful thing. One of the most powerful relationship stimuli, in my experience, is the hearing of a particular song that was “our song” or one that I made out to. Over the course of my life I have associated several memorable intimate moments with music that was playing. I imagine most people do. Most of us have that one song that we listened to in the car with our boyfriend or girlfriend in high school. That song is difficult to listen to today. And we probably have that song that was playing in the background during our first heavy make out session, that brings us back to those innocent, happy times. These are some of mine:

Don’t Go Breaking My Heart – Elton John & Kiki Dee – When I was a young boy, oh about age nine, I was watching a Valentine’s Day Disney special on TV. It was playing this song and showing clips of romantic moments with some of Disney’s beloveds like Mickey, Donald, Chip & Dale, and others. For the first time in my life I felt this sudden pang of emptiness inside me. It was instantly obvious that this chasm could only be filled with the love and companionship of a female. My heart had just opened up to romantic love for the first time in my life. And it fucking hurt. I went into the basement and wept at my loneliness, though I couldn’t figure out why I was so lonely or why I wanted so badly to be with a yucky old girl. After a while I pulled myself together and went back upstairs. I couldn’t watch the remainder of the show, but I was able to hide the physical evidence of this strange occurrence. I would never be the same again. The desire for a girl’s heart had settled in, and was there to stay.

More Than Words – Extreme – I am positive that I share this “monster ballad” with thousands. Unfortunately, mine is a memory of hurt and rejection. I was at a seventh grade party being held in an apartment complex’s clubhouse. I was…well let’s just say I was less than popular. However, social status doesn’t hinder a boy’s ability to crush. And that crush belonged to a girl named December. And all I wanted, to keep the peace of my life intact was one dance with her. I asked her if I could have the next slow dance with her, just as friends of course (she was waaaay out of my league). She agreed and I pranced off happy, waiting for the next ballad. This song was it. And when it came on I knew it was the perfect song for our dance. I turned my head to the other side of the crowded room where she was. Our eyes met. And in a flash, hers became a face of horror and she ducked down out of sight. I went to her, but she was nowhere to be found. I found a dark, empty room to wail in silence as the song’s strumming subsided. Every heart must learn to break. And most break a dozen times or more. But you never forget the excruciating pain of your first. And while this song is still beautiful and remains a staple in my ballad inventory, it will always bear the mar of my first, heart-wrenching rejection.

When I’m With You – Sheriff – At age fourteen I was a freshman in high school. I had spent the past several years being shot down by all the girls in my class, and was looking for love. As a potential star of the stage, I was pursued by the high school drama and music teachers, which gave me some measure of popularity among other performers. I was invited over to a small basement party around Christmas time. It was held at the residence of a sophomore named Donna. At that party we drank screwdrivers and sat around talking. I was in a recliner. In time, Donna was in the recliner with me. We nuzzled and cuddled, but never kissed or even looked at one another. This was my first time feeling a girl’s body. When my dad came to pick me up Donna walked me to the door, said Merry Christmas, and gave me my first kiss. It was a short one, but on the lips. This slow song was playing on the stereo downstairs when it happened. Once again, I was a different person. I strutted out to the car and drifted off into a bliss I’d never known. She dumped me a month later, but that’s alright. She was kind of cat-faced anyway. And my first real love was right around the corner.

Love of a Lifetime – Firehouse – My first official “our song”. My first love, Shannon, and I had fallen too deep, too quick. But in high school, do they fall any other way? This song had become the most popular ballad in America right around this time. It was almost always on when she’d drive me back home from her house. It became our song, a melodic embodiment of all the passion our little selves could hardly contain or understand. We danced to it at the Christmas Dance and Homecoming. We each bought the tape. We played it to each other when we moved away from each other. To this day, this song reminds me of her. And while things didn’t go so well with us, this song only played during moments of affection. This song is still pure.

Anna Begins – Counting Crows – This is one of the worst songs a couple can choose as their song. It starts out with the overstepping of the bounds of platonic friendship, under the unwise tutelage of the man’s best friend. It quickly explodes beyond either’s comprehension and quickly fades away and hurts them both beyond measure, before finally dissolving into oblivion. But it had strong lyrics and a unique accompaniment. This girl I had been seeing my sophomore year in college, a freshman named Nina, was as much into the Counting Crows as I was, and a friend of mine got me hooked on this song. It somehow became our song. And one day when I was in trouble, she locked herself in her dorm room and listened to this song over and over again for over six hours. By rights, it shouldn’t be a couple’s song. But then it is the meaning shared between the couple that far exceeds those intended by the singer. To this day, it stops us in our tracks and opens the most wonderful wounds like nothing else can.

Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore – REO Speedwagon – In Evansville Indiana, my second love, Nina, and I were living together in our first apartment, a cheap ass one-bedroom on the east side. One day, when Nina was beginning to get antsy about the fact that I wasn’t proposing marriage, we were driving down the west side’s main drag, Green River Road. This song came on the radio. Nina and I were accustomed to going silent when one or both of us were listening to a song that moved us. I’d heard this song a thousand times, and so had she. But the lyrics took on a new meaning this day. It was a call to me to get serious about my commitment to my woman. I was being called out right in front of her and I couldn’t deny its logic. I proposed within two weeks.

Yellow – Coldplay – Simply put, it’s our song. To this day I have no idea what the “yellow” is actually supposed to be. At first, Nina didn’t like this track. It was all sentimental and mushy. I loved the melody and the lyrics. At first, I thought it was the Dave Matthews Band. And just like our relationship blossomed while we weren’t looking, so did this song just become our song without our knowing about it. Eventually we both just realized that this song was meant for us and somehow it encapsulated our love and absolute commitment. “For you I bleed myself dry”.

There was also “Get Down, Make Love” by Nine Inch Nails. But that’s a story for another time.