Just Off Center

There simply must be an explanation for why I only think to call my mother or other family back in Indiana when I have a 40 in my hands. It's just a trigger. I'll be sitting there enjoying my domestic pilsner and it will occur to me that I hadn't received my weekly dose of guilt yet. So about every weekend I call and listen to my mother give me the same speech she wrote about five years ago and has been replaying every time I call. It goes a little like this:

"Hi Mike, how are you? How's Nina's back? Is she working yet? I just finished talking to your brother. When are you going to move back to the midwest (this used to be Evansville, but I think she's broadened it to midwest to improve her chances)? Don't you love me? You know, we don't have anything in this world except our families. Can't you have your company transfer you? Are you still in school? I just want one of my kids to get a bachelor's degree. You'll be so proud of yourself when it's finally yours. You could ask for a transfer and move to Atlanta. Then you could at least fly up for a long weekend once in a while. How's Nina's back? Is she working yet? It was nice talking to you. Bye."

This has been what I've been subjected to every single time I call for years. She nags constantly, begs me to move back to farmland fuckhole Indiana and repeats over and over the questions I'd just answered five minutes prior. Well, I guess it's becoming a bit more clear why I only think to call when I drink. But to spice things up, among the usual complaints, last night's run-through included a new element:

"You know the midwest is a great place to raise your kids. I know you say you don't want kids, but I'm telling you, you're going to regret it. Well there's still some time. I think you should be thinking about it, and I'm your mother, so I'm right. Your brother only has daughters. It's up to you to carry on the family name by give me grandsons. OK, but you'll regret it."

Holy fuck. The first time she brought this up was right in front of my grandma, like I was going to somehow be cornered into agreeing to impregnate my wife. And is it me or is it a little creepy discussing reproduction with your mother? Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I don't want to say "ejaculate" to my mother. But anyway, this was the first time she had introduced the pressure to reproduce in a weekly call. And knowing her, in about a year it'll be part of the regular routine. And what the fuck is she wanting the family named carried on for? It's not even her name. Dad left when I was 14. We jsut never changed our last names. And no one in that bloodline has ever accomplished anything worthy of holding onto anyway. Just let it die, already.

So let's just get the record straight one more time so there's no confusion:

"Hi mom. I miss you too. Nina's back hurts. Yes, she's working anyway. Mom, I may never move back to the midwest, and I'm definitely never moving back to Evansville. Yes I do love you. Yes I think family is very important. Yes I do. Yes I do. Mom, I said I do, so I do. No, I can't have them transfer me yet. Atlanta is our HQ, so I don't really get to "tell them" anything. Yes I'm still in college. Yes. Yes. Yes. Nina's back hurts. Yes, she's working anyway. Nina and I aren't having kids. No, mom, not ever. No I don't think we will regret it. Mom, I'm only 28. Nice talking to you too. Bye"

I should just record each of these phrases on my computer and press a button to suit each question she asks. She did tell me that she is very proud of me and that despite having no role models to look up to I've turned into a very good man. That was nice of her. But I'm still not moving back and I'm still not having kids. Mothers. What more can be said except just...mothers?